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Elena Kagan belongs on Team Jacob, not Team Edward

By Alexandra Petri

This is the one question that divides Americans of all races, creeds, ages, and genders. And it is an issue on which -- once again -- Elena Kagan has refused to comment.

Team Edward or Team Jacob?

This question is becoming -- for women, anyway -- the new “boxers or briefs?” We know Elena Kagan prefers briefs -- the legal kind -- but her failure to give any inkling on how she might rule on Edward vs. Jacob -- or the case of "the vampire versus the werewolf" -- gives me pause.

In case you aren’t aware of the phenomenon that is sweeping across the country -- as Elena Kagan pretends not to be -- Twilight is a book and movie series about vampires and werewolves that came to author Stephenie Meyer in a dream. It revolves around Bella Swan, a seventeen-year-old girl with absolutely no distinguishing characteristics other than oddly aromatic blood that makes her irresistible to vampires. For reasons still obscure to me, a werewolf and a vampire are fighting for her affection, maybe because they mysteriously can’t hear her thoughts and assume that she is full of exciting ideas with broad implications for public policy.

You can see why Elena Kagan wouldn’t be into this sort of thing. She’s an empowered single woman who is about as far from Bella Swan as you can get. She doesn’t waste time swooning after vampires—or werewolves, no matter how good they look without shirts. While Bella quits school after high school to pursue romance, become a vampire and have a baby, Elena Kagan is excruciatingly well-educated, lives alone, and has followed her dreams to the doorstep of the Supreme Court. Sure, joining the nation's highest court is kind of like becoming a vampire-- you wear strange robes, have power over life and death, and if you bite anyone on the neck, it attracts a lot of publicity-- but the two professions seem to attract a different demographic. So her lack of comment in this case might be understandable.

Still, the preponderance of the evidence suggests what team she should endorse.

Kagan disagreed with President Obama's analogy that judging is like a marathon, in which 25 miles are the law and the last mile is the justice's heart, saying "it's law all the way down." Vampires lack beating hearts.

She believes in a woman’s right to choose. So do both Edward and Jacob, actually.

She supports the right to own guns. Guns have no impact on vampires, but they can fire silver bullets, which are dangerous to werewolves.

She opposed don’t ask, don’t tell, calling it “unwise and unjust.” Neither vampires nor werewolves can openly serve in the military.

She did not say that the new health-care law was unconstitutional. Werewolves require health care, while vampires are immortal.

Kagan was at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas. Vampires survive not on Chinese food, but on human blood.

More important than any of these, though, is that she believes the constitution is a living document. Jacob is alive. Vampires are strange, half-dead beings that like to sleep in tombs and avoid direct sunlight.

Team Jacob all the way.

By Alexandra Petri  | June 30, 2010; 3:38 PM ET
Categories:  Petri  | Tags:  Alexandra Petri  
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Next: Sen. Byrd, the Senate and the 'national interest'


It's obvious you haven't read the books, either. Edward's type of vampire doesn't sleep in tombs; they don't sleep at all. They go out in the sunlight, just not in public. They have hearts, and Edward's family even has a cross. Back to the drawing board! :)

Posted by: christinecovelli | July 1, 2010 8:06 AM | Report abuse

I'll never have the two minutes it took to read this piece back, again.

Posted by: lafemmejenn | July 1, 2010 10:18 AM | Report abuse

The most important thing of all this "jibberish" that you wrote is that she believes that the constitution is a living document. By that I take it to mean that she wants to kill it, or at least interpret it in a way that makes it irrelevant. UH, NO THANK YOU!

Posted by: barrysal | July 1, 2010 11:11 AM | Report abuse

I am a Team Jacob member, cause after having lived through the Bush/Cheney Administration I can't stand the thought of even one more bloodsucker.

Still, this has to be the dumbest column I ever read, next to Kathleen Parker's "Bill Clinton is black and Obama is a girl" stinking garbage."

I think you and Kathleen have earned yourselves the opportunity to write in "Sanitation Daily," a newspaper used solely for packing GARBAGE.

Posted by: lindalovejones | July 1, 2010 12:07 PM | Report abuse

I can't believe this is the kind of trash the WaPo publishes these days.

Posted by: jakeyrotten | July 1, 2010 2:41 PM | Report abuse

Welcome to Tiger Beat Online!

Posted by: hellslittlestangel1 | July 1, 2010 3:49 PM | Report abuse

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