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Al Gore: big lummox or crazed sex poodle?

By Alexandra Petri

“Get off me, you big lummox!”

It’s officially the worst sex scandal ever. When people accused Bill Clinton or Tiger Woods of extramarital activities, their accounts, if startling, were at least occasionally flattering. Not this time.

“You’re being a crazed sex poodle.”

These are only two of the phrases that make the recently-released testimony of a 54-year-old massage therapist so riveting. She depicts a sexual assault by Al Gore which, if fictional -- no claims have been brought -- is one of the greatest literary triumphs of the past decade. This is no steamy, sordid narrative of seduction. Gore emerges from the testimony as “rotund” and long-winded, when he isn’t trying to plant unwanted kisses or urging her to massage below the “safe, non-sexual area of the abdomen.”

Most people who make allegations about Nobel-Peace-Prize-winning former vice presidents are nice -- or naïve enough -- to imply that they were somewhat suave. Not this massage therapist -- or, as she repeatedly calls herself, "Grandma."

First, Gore greets "Grandma" at the door with a lengthy hug. The hug goes on a bit too long, but, she notes, “I try to keep an open, professional mind and a sense of ‘the benefit of the doubt’… I assumed he must be engaging in something like the ‘new ages politician in casual mode’… a kind of a beneficent patriarch thing going on it seemed.”

If someone were trying to make up this sort of claim, I can’t imagine a better start. This is the “Call me Ishmael” of starts to testimonies.

Grandma's descriptions alone are well worth the 73-page read. Of Gore: “he’s rotund, you know.” “He had a dramatic display of violent temper as well as extremely dictatorial commanding attitude besides his Mr. Smiley Global Warming concern persona.”

And she has the Gore tone down perfectly.

While he was still face down, he suddenly asked me, "What has become clear to you lately?"... I asked him what he had become clear about lately himself and he said, "Letting go of results."

This is when he demands that she massage more than the “safe, non-sexual area of the abdomen.”

At one point, she even mentions Tipper to him. Then:

I started backpedaling with something well, about well, everybody’s relationship or marriage is a private affair. No one really knows for absolute certainty what is the true arrangement that was private with Bill and Hillary for example... I really stepped in it because talk about Bill and Hillary is like a sore point with this guy. And I didn’t know so he’s just like roar…

What follows after the "roar" is one of the most mangled seduction attempts of all time. Gore lures her into his bedroom to listen to a “song about the current president that would shock me.”

The song was “Dear Mr. President” by Pink.… As soon as he had it playing, he turned to me and he immediately flipped me flat on my back and threw his whole body face down over atop me, pinning me down and outweighing me by quite a bit. Get off me, you big lummox! I loudly yelled protested to him… We lay on our sides a couple feet apart, looking at each other as he played the song, him singing along with it as if he were revealing deep feelings like some bizarre karaoke and me stuck there.... He prevailed upon me to listen to just this one other song about women’s feelings and their inner self and trust that he said his wife introduced him to, which is about a woman choosing to let a man into her deeper self or some such things.

This scene belongs in the annals of literature. If real, I understand why Grandma says she’s been having difficulty sleeping and is terrified to go on other calls. But -- wow.

You can read the whole of the testimony here. It’s riveting, with a great sense of context. Sometimes an attempt to initiate sexual contact with a licensed massage therapist in a hotel becomes a geopolitical challenge. Grandma notes:

This is what’s been really hard with this. Um, because I, I, you know, I live in "The Birkenstock Tribe," and it’s like being the ultimate traitor. And, by the by, there are people um… one who was basically asking me to just suck it up, otherwise the world’s going to be destroyed from global warming.

There are hundreds of jokes to be made here. I won’t make any of them, because I don’t want the world to be destroyed by global warming.

But Grandma says it best: “The mind trip with this thing is it’s just like instead of swallowing a pill, it’s like trying to swallow one the size of a globe. And having to carry the mantle for if the world falls apart, according to people’s belief system, it’s all on me. And I’m, like, that’s so crazy-making.”

By Alexandra Petri  | June 24, 2010; 1:33 PM ET
Categories:  Petri  | Tags:  Alexandra Petri  
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Comments

Her testimony is very similar to what you hear from girls coming out of the polygamist mormon compounds. She's been molested by the prophet of her religion, and the leadership wants her to be a silent victim for the good of the community.

Posted by: ecocampaigner | June 24, 2010 3:06 PM | Report abuse

No surprise Gore is a cheat. We already know he's a liar. This is the man who invented the internet and global warming.

Posted by: rjr1 | June 24, 2010 4:21 PM | Report abuse

I have read the woman's deposition. I am studying law, and I must say that while Al Gore isn't exactly my favorite politican, I find the woman's story simply not believable. Most revealing of all is her assertion that she isn't "looking for money," but then she has decided to not cooperate with the legal investigation in favor of resolving the matter in civil court (basically, where bottom feeders go to get money). She took her story to the papers before, and couldn't get it published. Now Mr. Gore is in the news again, due to his seperation from Tipper. So this bottom feeder has decided that now is her time to present this story once again, and make herself famous this time. Pay no attention to this story. Don't give this bottom feeder any attention which she doesn't deserve.

Posted by: Frank90210 | June 24, 2010 4:27 PM | Report abuse

I have read the woman's deposition. I am studying law, and I must say that while Al Gore isn't exactly my favorite politican, I find the woman's story simply not believable. Most revealing of all is her assertion that she isn't "looking for money," but then she has decided to not cooperate with the legal investigation in favor of resolving the matter in civil court (basically, where bottom feeders go to get money). She took her story to the papers before, and couldn't get it published. Now Mr. Gore is in the news again, due to his seperation from Tipper. So this bottom feeder has decided that now is her time to present this story once again, and make herself famous this time. Pay no attention to this story. Don't give this bottom feeder any attention which she doesn't deserve.

Posted by: Frank90210 | June 24, 2010 4:27 PM | Report abuse

@Frank90210

Someone studying law should make the obvious connection between this woman's accusations and Al Gore's divorce.

At least a divorce lawyer would. An Environmental lawyer would probably see it quite differently.

Posted by: ecocampaigner | June 24, 2010 4:35 PM | Report abuse

I dont think this woman's telling the truth. That said, Al Gore has shown himself to be a power hungry, lying, pig in so many other ways.
He took credit inventing/enabling the internet until people called him on it.
He's lied about global warming and used junk science to get rich and win a Nobel prize.
His childish theatrics during presidential election debates were very telling and I can believe that his narcissism and being used to getting his way is definitely why Tipper is leaving him.
He couldnt even gain the endorsement of President Clinton after serving under him for 2 terms, and when he was governor.
Enjoy this Al, every last bitter little bit. The worm has finally turned for you, and you so justly deserve it.

Posted by: superbombastik | June 24, 2010 4:44 PM | Report abuse

No surprise if Gore expected some sort of sexual encounter. Unless Grandma is awfully good, the $450 fee she describes is way too high for an ordinary massage. And she can't have been too surprised by an expectation of sex when she went to a strange man's hotel room at 11pm.

Of course, Gore could have pushed to go beyond her comfort level, or she could have changed her mind and gotten scared when she saw who "Mr. Stone" really was.

If they had not been together in the room, Gore would have already denied everything rather than having his aide say "no comment." Her claim of "blue dress" evidence leaves him with a choice between claiming that nothing sexual happened, and being confronted with a positive test for his DNA on her clothing, or claiming "only" a consensual sexual encounter for $$$, i.e. prostitution. You would think Gore would have learned something from Clinton-Lewinsky "mess".

Although her story reads like fiction, so does his AGW, so neither of them is really believable.

Once again the National Enquirer breaks the story where MSM fears to tread. Wonder how John Edwards feels about this?

Posted by: nds1 | June 24, 2010 5:31 PM | Report abuse

Grandma.

+1

Posted by: koolkat_1960 | June 24, 2010 6:39 PM | Report abuse

The accuser obviously needs glasses- how can you confuse a Sex Poodle with Jabba the Hutt?

Posted by: raybo917 | June 24, 2010 7:27 PM | Report abuse

poop happens...

Posted by: Geopolitics101 | June 24, 2010 7:58 PM | Report abuse

I always suspected Al was weird, kind of like when I looked at John Edwards and the words, used car salesman popped right into my head.

Posted by: AnnieP1 | June 24, 2010 8:32 PM | Report abuse

Pickup lines Gore might say to women:

"Want to see how wooden I can be?"

"Stop. Your hot body is making global warming worse."

"Yeah I have a large carbon footprint and that means I'm very big. Wanna see how large my hanging chad is?"

"My energy is renewable. Let's go to my pad to see how much electricity we can generate."

" Coming in second is what I'm best at, doll."

Posted by: sperrico | June 24, 2010 8:45 PM | Report abuse

Al can't even choose a massage girl to give him a happy ending. Think about the level of incompetence that implies.

Thank god he wasn't elected president.

Anyway, it really puts his claims of discovering love canal, having invented the internet and discovering global warming in context. He can't even pay a girl to give him satisfaction.

He probably has a teeny weenie, too.

[sperrico hit a home run with his post]

Posted by: Ombudsman1 | June 24, 2010 8:48 PM | Report abuse

OMG, see how the media covered up this story, or else he would not have gotten his Nobel? What a crock. You know it's true, because if it wasn't it would constitute prima facie defamation. And so if he doesn't sue her for defamation, you know it's true. The way she describes him is exactly how I thought he was, the big phony creep.

Posted by: cccarol | June 24, 2010 9:12 PM | Report abuse

Al Gore? Al Gore? OMG! What next! This has gotta be fiction....

Posted by: PaulaEPowell | June 24, 2010 9:42 PM | Report abuse

Al Gore? OMG! This has gotta be fiction...

Posted by: PaulaEPowell | June 24, 2010 9:44 PM | Report abuse

Frank90210 ~ it's not whether he's guilty, it's the seriousness of the charges.

The Algore must now be judged by the standards he and his running dog lackeys established for everyone else.

He will need to pull down his britches and display the offending member on TV if not in public, and the only way he can get out of this one is to have it subjected to the whirring vorpel blade ~ snicker snack!

This will absolve him of any blame for his wayward appendage.

Posted by: muawiyah | June 24, 2010 9:53 PM | Report abuse

That was a very thorough and detail deposition!!!!!

Hard to fake that!!!!!!

Posted by: theaz | June 24, 2010 11:39 PM | Report abuse

I read the report. It is so incredibly detailed which seems to me impossible to fake.

The angry outbursts do not surprise me. The childish behavior does not surprise. The expectation of sex from a very rich, public man, does not surprise me.

I can only say this from experience. When a woman fears for her life, or her safety, distraction is key to survival. Only those in that situation would know what I mean.

Posted by: jkachmar | June 24, 2010 11:53 PM | Report abuse

Gore versus bush

Posted by: jethro1 | June 25, 2010 7:11 AM | Report abuse

I would be surprised if this were not absolutely true. In fact, I would be shocked. I read her statement. Totally and completely believable.

Posted by: Antoinette1 | June 25, 2010 8:04 AM | Report abuse

I don't know how anyone can read this article and not see that this woman is clearly mentally ill. I expected something a little more rational and coherent due to the media coverage. I'm surprised this story has been treated as news. This looks like a sad case of paranoid delusions from someone who desperately needs treatment.

Posted by: avidwpreader | June 25, 2010 8:21 AM | Report abuse

to all,

$450.oo for a massage doesn't seem like "too much for too little" considering that ALBORE's "running mate" (SLIMY John Edwards) routinely paid $400.oo for his haircuts!

the more i learn about SELF-important, LYING, DIMocRATS (like those two clue-LESS boobs), the better i like poisonous spiders, venomous serpents & slugs.

otoh, perhaps they are doing "a valuable service" for the nation, as their antics (and those of the other DIMocRATS, like BHO) will PERMANENTLY sink the DIMocRATS.

yours, TN
coordinator, CCTPP

Posted by: texasnative46 | June 25, 2010 9:00 AM | Report abuse

Someone who hits the National Inquirer up for $1 does not have much credibility. I cannot believe the Post has printed a trash article like this one.

Posted by: withersb | June 25, 2010 10:13 AM | Report abuse

I read her Jan 2009 statement about 10 pages in the 73 page report my computer shut down and now POOF the docucment is gone. FRom what I reaad the facts back up her claim that SOMETHING HAPPENED...there are VALID police reports...plus her 73 page statement...you JUST DON'T MAKE UP STUFF LIKE THAT. If you view it from her situation, the way she describes it she was indecisive for ALOT of reasons in regard as how to proceed. I believe her.

Posted by: tktimoteo | June 25, 2010 12:34 PM | Report abuse

Can someone locate her Jan 2009 statement...I now can't find it anywhere and the Post link no lonnger works??? Fishy huh? what I read, I thought her testimony was pretty damning. People who think she is full of it obviously did not read much of the police report.

Posted by: tktimoteo | June 25, 2010 12:38 PM | Report abuse

Who pays $450 for a "massage" in his hotel room at 11pm?

Someone looking for prostitution services.

Posted by: ecocampaigner | June 25, 2010 12:42 PM | Report abuse

There are a number of things that are circumstantially convincing in the woman's story, including her description of her professional training and experience. I am familiar with the field and the ethics education involved. But that only makes me wonder all the more what reason she would offer for not ending the session and leaving the room as soon as she was sexually solicited. That is what bodyworkers are trained, and required by their code of ethics, to do. It's hard to imagine that bodywork gigs are so thin on the ground in Oregon that someone would stay in a room with a person who was behaving like a sexual predator because she was afraid to make waves.

I have no particular reverence for Al Gore as a person, nor do any of us know enough about him to say he would or wouldn't approach a woman this way, but the meandering statement, with its ramblings about being disliked and picked on by other therapists, sounds hinky. And when she mentions being "about the same height" as Gore -- he's six foot one; I thought I remembered that, and looked it up. Not impossible, but a bit unusual.

Posted by: Hyperlocal | June 25, 2010 9:52 PM | Report abuse

This is totally credible. I think it's all true. I can understand her wanting not to press the criminal case, what with all its publicity, which would far exceed that of a civil suit. Besides, the police and/or prosecutors probably have pressured her to drop it. They never like to take cases like this where it's just going to be competing statements, no witnesses and a lot of work to prosecute. I've seen prosecutors pressure complainants to drop prosecutions all the time.

That guy who above, the law school know-it-all, why don't you join a local prosecutor's office when you graduate and see how many of these cases you try to bury.

Besides, some of her statements are so strange and difficult to comprehend that she's not clever enough to fabricate this.

There's something going on, and now we know why the Gores' split. This surely is not an isolated incident. It's probably just the tip of the iceberg.

Now we know he and Bill were peas in a pod.

Fooled us all!

Posted by: BethesdaDog | June 25, 2010 11:38 PM | Report abuse

Make that "A Big, Fat Crazed Sex Poodle."

Isn't it time for the Smithsonian to open its new exhibit, "Stained Garments of the Clinton Administration"?

Posted by: foton7 | June 25, 2010 11:56 PM | Report abuse

What a cheap shot to get popularity. Knowing the psychotic accuser personally, I have gathered nothing more than a desperate attempt for revenge out of jealousy simply because she is a catty, lousy massage therapist. She should have payed more attention in school to technique and code of ethics before putting herself in this situation. Not only did she insult well trained, educated,professional co-workers that trusted in her and gave prestigious opportunities to work in an environment that demands respect, she also attempted to destroy the reputation of a very respectable man. I am embarrassed to have ever worked with and associated with her. I hope people like her can find the proper treatment in a contained facility! I believe in Karma..May she find some kind of remorse before Karma..

Posted by: openmind198 | June 26, 2010 7:09 AM | Report abuse

Good try attempting to make her ridiculous by calling her grandma and turning Gore's dumbed down sexuality on her. But no cigar.

Speaking of cigars, wasn't that the the implement of Clinton's desire via Miss Lewinsky? JFK was also a lousy lay. And look where poor Marilyn Monroe ended up.

So, the attempt to discredit the woman you call 'grandma' just doesn't work when the subject at hand is crazed sex poodles who wouldn't know the first thing about a even half way decent sexual encounter.

Posted by: Daisytoo | June 26, 2010 6:03 PM | Report abuse

Maybe Big Al tried to say, a la inventing the Internet, that he was a "crazy Sex Pistol" (having invented punk rock, too) and it came out "crazed sex poodle"...

But at least he's now taking credit for what he really invented: Internet porn!!

Posted by: foton7 | June 27, 2010 2:51 PM | Report abuse

We had a former law professer work for our law firm. He claimed to be a progressive. After he left employment/was fired we had to scrub the porn off his computer. I guess he was a digressive instead of a progressive. Oh, he was also fired for using the law school computer for porn surfing. I have found most regular folks (even uneducated farmers) more wise than the "intelligencia". Common sense isn't learned in school--its acquired by an open & humble willing mind.

Posted by: legalwise | June 29, 2010 5:23 PM | Report abuse

We had a self ascribed "intelligencia" progressive work for our law firm-- A former Law Professor who was very bright and well educated. After he got fired from our law firm for poor results (oh attorneys don't get fired--it's an agreement to go find work elsewhere) we had to scrub the porn off his work computer. I found out he got fired from the Law school too. Wisdom isn't learned from school--it is derived from life lessons elsewhere. Narcisism can be learned in school though because this is the disease he had. I have seen many hardworking uneducated farmers much more wise than most of the well educated intelligencia. Humble people don't think they are above the law or know what is best for everyone else. I don't know how true the sex story is but from my observation of Al's past behavior he is just a nasty sob. Climate change is his $$$$ religion of which he is an environmental hypocrite. To be rid of him Tipper is a happier women now.

Posted by: legalwise | June 29, 2010 6:01 PM | Report abuse

TO FRANK 90210-- You're studying the law and dont find her credible??--let me know your full name so I never hire you--you have a lot to learn on this subject.

I find her account-I read the entire 72 pages-quite believable. If you read it all, you see how afraid she is that she won't be believed because of his postion and his "credibility" and power, and because people have preconcieved ideas about her profession, even though she is a liscenced professianl like you find in spas, and that she worries that if it becomes public she will loose work etc. Those are incredibly believable and valid explanations. You have NO IDEA what a woman goes through mentally after this this happens, the fear that many face. TONS of women don't report these things, and if she was out for money she could have sued him 4 years ago. That she took it to the Enquirer--well her own LIBERAL friends didn't even want her to report it--they were all guilt tripping her. That she is being paid does not mean her story isn't true. It's too detailed and just strange--you'd have to be literary genius to make that up its so bizarre. Do you think the Enquiter would give away that much money to her if they didn't find it credible?--they make them take lie detector tests.

Posted by: Bahumbug777 | June 30, 2010 5:18 AM | Report abuse

TO frank 90210--On the contrary, her account if very credible. Its far too detailed and bizarre and her reasons for not reporting it at the time make perfect sense--fear of not being believed over "Mr world famous ex-VP"--fear of it getting out and her losing work etc--its hard enough to deal with this with a person that isn't world famous, let alone someone who you looked up to, and so many people admire --her liberal friends didn't even want her to report it becasue they didn't want her to sully his reputation. Being paid by the Enquirer doesnt mean her story isn't true. Teh Equirer does lie detector tests on people with there kinds of stories and they arent going to give her that much money if they dont think theres some truth to it. Seems to get these stories you you have to go to the Enquirer--the MSM doesnt want to look into the pecadillos of its liberal darlings. And now there is even physical evidence coming out. So he's just another phoney polititian with a phoney married life.

Posted by: Bahumbug777 | June 30, 2010 5:30 AM | Report abuse

oh sorry for double post ...

Posted by: Bahumbug777 | June 30, 2010 5:31 AM | Report abuse

Sorry, but the Inconvenient Truth about Al Gore is that he is still incredibly boring and the charges won't go anywhere but to the tabloids.

If you want to read a funny but accurate and reasonable summary of the current Gore situation check out the link below.

http://www.dailygoat.com/2010/06/al-gores-inconvenient-truth-remains-unchanged-amazingly-boring/

Posted by: eye95 | June 30, 2010 11:53 PM | Report abuse

This is the tail of two poodles and it occurred in 2006. This conversation was gathered by George Bush's secret surveillence program. "I'm the Alpha Male around here," barked Big Boy. "Yes but you have been a bad dog and have made me ashamed to be a fellow poodle" bellowed Oscar. "Big Boy, you have chased every dog in heat with no regard to your Pit Bull b****'s feelings. She even had your pup." "Yea," said Big Boy, "but the other dogs are jokin that my pup looks like she was sired by that Great Dane b**** thats been hangin around, ha, ha. Besides I'm a poodle and chasing females is what we do!" "Big Boy, we all know that your bi*** is a Pit Bull and some have called her a Woman to insult her," growled Oscar. "My bi*** is a Collie and I would never stray from my sweet Tipsy even with the extra weight from our pups," whimpered Oscar. "I also understand that your Pit Bull bi*** is trying to become the alpha pack leader." "Yea," said Big Boy. "She is competing with that Jackal that wasn't even born in an American kennel. All the other Jackals will help him too. They stick together like rasins in a celephane bag." "Why is he called a Jackal when he is half dog?" asked Oscar. "The One Drop Rule" replied Big Boy. "One drop of Jackal blood ans its like he is a full Jackal. The hounds down south made this law to keep em off the farm but now the Jackals are sh***in' in our food dishes with this! An alpha female has never been pack leader but the mainstream media always favors the Jackal over the dog so she will be insulted and at times even be called a Woman," snorted Big Boy. "Do you know that I was named Oscar after the award? Do you also know that I won a Medal at the Westminster Dog Show? They love me because I am saving kennels all over the world by having the dogs eat Kibbles and Bits?" "Yea," said Big Boy. "While they are eatin dry dog food you have neen scarfing down Alpo canned dog food. Oscar, you are a hippocrite!" "Yes, but I am not a bad bad dog like you Big Boy. I have saved the Planet and I have never strayed from my sweet Collie, Tipsy." "You will Oscar." "Why is that Big Boy?" "Oscar, you are a poodle, its in the breed!!!"

Posted by: JohnnyD3 | July 1, 2010 2:54 PM | Report abuse

Hasn't the statute of limitations expired on this? If not, then yes, go after him. If so, it suggests that someone is just trying to dish dirt on Gore. That then raises the question, to what end?

Posted by: Arggg | July 1, 2010 4:09 PM | Report abuse

Is it true that the evidence against Mr. Gore includes a carbon footprint?

I am no fan of Gore or any other liberal hypocrite, but I firmly believe in the presumption of innocence . Let the cops and courts figure this out .

Posted by: MARKM2 | July 1, 2010 4:10 PM | Report abuse

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