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MC Kagan in the house: The Elena Kagan confirmation rap

By Alexandra Petri

In light of Solicitor General Elena Kagan's confirmation hearings so far, the old saying could be updated. "Behind every successful woman," it might go, "is a person trying not to fall asleep."

I think it's time to spice up this process. Kagan deserves it. After all, she once described this process as a "vapid, hollow charade." As someone who loves charades -- what has five syllables, wears a fetching blue jacket, and might wind up on the Supreme Court? -- this offends me. But I see her point. That's why I have taken the liberty of rewriting her opening statement in rap form. It conveys the same information -- it’s just a bit hipper.

The Elena Kagan confirmation rap:

Order in the court! MC Kagan in the house!
Thank you all, here’re the principles that I espouse!
The Supreme Court is where I’ve always wanted to be
I just wish I could serve with Justice Stevens -- J.P.
I've wanted to be on the court since I could toddle
And his humble independence was always my model.

Order in the court! Let me bang my gavel!
Put me on record: have blue suit, will travel!
After this I will be taking questions
So I’m ready to listen and hear suggestions!
When I put on my robe -- if I get that honor
I’ll owe it to Justices Ginsburg and O’Connor
They were pioneers, like the Party Donner
If it weren’t for their efforts I would be a goner.

Order in the court! No, I don’t own a cat!
I’m unmarried and 50 -- got a problem with that?
Now let me talk a little 'bout the rule of law
It grips our rights tightly, like a giant claw,
And the freedoms and the blessing that we hold in awe
Dating back hundreds of years before the movie “Saw.”

Order in the court! I was a Harvard dean!
Don’t bother me with questions 'bout the way I lean!
Now of justices defunct I’ll say, to one I’m partial
And he goes by the name of Justice Thurgood Marshall
I clerked for him back when! Now, let me mention
How he said that the court should give the same attention
To everyone, basing each determination
Not on your wealth or race or class or social station
But on the law that gives you -- with connections or not --
The same protections everybody else has got.

Order in the court! I’m ready to opine
Even Scalia says he's a friend of mine!
A justice has to give all cases a fair shake
And that’s what I will do, it’s the promise that I make.
I’ve been solicitor general, now, I’ve argued a few times
I’ve shown my thoughtful legal mind and busted a few rhymes
I’ve had myself some arguments and really gotten probed
So thank you for the hearing -- now it’s time to get me robed!

By Alexandra Petri  | June 29, 2010; 12:30 PM ET
Categories:  Petri  | Tags:  Alexandra Petri  
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Comments

"Behind every good looking woman there is a good looking behind."
Joe E. Lewis

This obviously does not apply to Kagan.

Posted by: Bubbette1 | June 29, 2010 1:35 PM | Report abuse

Clever.

Posted by: Jeff-for-progress | June 29, 2010 1:51 PM | Report abuse

Obviously my comment related to the rap. Not the sexist krap.

Posted by: Jeff-for-progress | June 29, 2010 5:26 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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