Chelsea Clinton's wedding is a waste of celebrity
By Alexandra Petri
Chelsea Clinton is ruining my wedding.
Sure, I’m not getting married yet, but I like to plan things in advance. And Chelsea's stealing my thunder.
It's typical of her. Whenever I try to do anything, Chelsea Clinton does it, too, in a way that blocks traffic. I took ballet. She took ballet. She was in the Nutcracker as “Favorite Aunt.” I would have been “Favorite Aunt” as well, but everyone said that Chelsea’s performance had already defined the role, and I couldn’t hope for anything more than “Aunt People Tolerate During The Holidays.”
Wikipedia says that she spent her childhood enjoying cards, volleyball, ping pong, and movies. Those are my hobbies! But does my Wikipedia page say that? No. In fact, my Wikipedia page is, if anything, nonexistent.
If that weren't bad enough, every wedding idea I have, Chelsea steals. She will be wearing white and have bridesmaids? I was planning to wear white and have bridesmaids. Next, I imagine she’ll want her father to walk her down the aisle.
I’m not alone in this. There’s a Brooklyn bride whom Yahoo’s Shine blog recently got to admit that she was having the same problem. Her name is Emn Haddad-Friedman, and she commented that, thanks to Chelsea, “They'll probably close all the roads, and my guests will have to drive for an hour and a half to get from my ceremony to the reception -- if they get there at all.” Knowing Chelsea, they probably won’t. July 31 is the weekend that Steven Spielberg, Ted Turner and I were supposed to get coffee. But they’ve got some sort of wedding to attend.
Now I find that Chelsea’s wedding budget could be up to $3 million. For that amount of money, we could have a viable space program! Okay, maybe not, but it would be a start. However, those dollars could allegedly pay two masseuses to tell the National Enquirer that Al Gore had tried to initiate a close encounter of the third kind, and leave enough money to buy eight normal weddings. Based on the budget projection, I assumed that Chelsea would be doing something wild and abnormal like destroying a small ecosystem instead of smashing a wineglass. But, no. She’s just getting tents and music and port-a-johns and a wedding dress.
Who does Chelsea think she is? A real person? This whole top-secret wedding thing is turning into Wikileaks all over again -- lots of secrecy, great hullabaloo, and no particularly strange revelations. Sure, the fact that the New York Daily News thinks the tents could be made of glass is kind of weird, but it’s hardly the nuclear fireworks display I was expecting. And that’s frustrating. Ever since she was twelve, Chelsea’s been trying to act like one of us. This is like Harry Potter deciding that Hogwarts is too exciting and applying to a local charter school. Doesn’t she realize she’s a celebrity? Why is she so intent on being normal?
In an interview with People magazine, Bill Clinton described the wedding as “the biggest day in her life, probably.” This isn’t how this was supposed to go! The biggest day in Chelsea’s life was supposed to be when she was elected governor-general of Cuba, or got a reality TV show, or reclaimed the White House, or something. Look at Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin. They understand these things. You get married so you can be on the cover of US Weekly. You don’t hide from the paparazzi and keep your location secret so the press won’t descend on you. That defeats the whole point!
And until Chelsea realizes that, she’s going to keep driving us ig-notables up the wall. "I know she's not doing it on purpose," Haddad-Friedman added. "But Chelsea Clinton has taken what was supposed to be a special day for me and turned it into hell." If only she had. Throwing a hell-themed wedding for a stranger, complete with pitchforks in the endives, would have been exciting! Instead, she's just going about her life. And that's the most irksome thing of all.
| July 27, 2010; 12:38 PM ET
Categories: Petri | Tags: Alexandra Petri
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