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Chelsea Clinton's wedding is a waste of celebrity

By Alexandra Petri

Chelsea Clinton is ruining my wedding.

Sure, I’m not getting married yet, but I like to plan things in advance. And Chelsea's stealing my thunder.

It's typical of her. Whenever I try to do anything, Chelsea Clinton does it, too, in a way that blocks traffic. I took ballet. She took ballet. She was in the Nutcracker as “Favorite Aunt.” I would have been “Favorite Aunt” as well, but everyone said that Chelsea’s performance had already defined the role, and I couldn’t hope for anything more than “Aunt People Tolerate During The Holidays.”

Wikipedia says that she spent her childhood enjoying cards, volleyball, ping pong, and movies. Those are my hobbies! But does my Wikipedia page say that? No. In fact, my Wikipedia page is, if anything, nonexistent.

If that weren't bad enough, every wedding idea I have, Chelsea steals. She will be wearing white and have bridesmaids? I was planning to wear white and have bridesmaids. Next, I imagine she’ll want her father to walk her down the aisle.

I’m not alone in this. There’s a Brooklyn bride whom Yahoo’s Shine blog recently got to admit that she was having the same problem. Her name is Emn Haddad-Friedman, and she commented that, thanks to Chelsea, “They'll probably close all the roads, and my guests will have to drive for an hour and a half to get from my ceremony to the reception -- if they get there at all.” Knowing Chelsea, they probably won’t. July 31 is the weekend that Steven Spielberg, Ted Turner and I were supposed to get coffee. But they’ve got some sort of wedding to attend.

Now I find that Chelsea’s wedding budget could be up to $3 million. For that amount of money, we could have a viable space program! Okay, maybe not, but it would be a start. However, those dollars could allegedly pay two masseuses to tell the National Enquirer that Al Gore had tried to initiate a close encounter of the third kind, and leave enough money to buy eight normal weddings. Based on the budget projection, I assumed that Chelsea would be doing something wild and abnormal like destroying a small ecosystem instead of smashing a wineglass. But, no. She’s just getting tents and music and port-a-johns and a wedding dress.

Who does Chelsea think she is? A real person? This whole top-secret wedding thing is turning into Wikileaks all over again -- lots of secrecy, great hullabaloo, and no particularly strange revelations. Sure, the fact that the New York Daily News thinks the tents could be made of glass is kind of weird, but it’s hardly the nuclear fireworks display I was expecting. And that’s frustrating. Ever since she was twelve, Chelsea’s been trying to act like one of us. This is like Harry Potter deciding that Hogwarts is too exciting and applying to a local charter school. Doesn’t she realize she’s a celebrity? Why is she so intent on being normal?

In an interview with People magazine, Bill Clinton described the wedding as “the biggest day in her life, probably.” This isn’t how this was supposed to go! The biggest day in Chelsea’s life was supposed to be when she was elected governor-general of Cuba, or got a reality TV show, or reclaimed the White House, or something. Look at Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin. They understand these things. You get married so you can be on the cover of US Weekly. You don’t hide from the paparazzi and keep your location secret so the press won’t descend on you. That defeats the whole point!

And until Chelsea realizes that, she’s going to keep driving us ig-notables up the wall. "I know she's not doing it on purpose," Haddad-Friedman added. "But Chelsea Clinton has taken what was supposed to be a special day for me and turned it into hell." If only she had. Throwing a hell-themed wedding for a stranger, complete with pitchforks in the endives, would have been exciting! Instead, she's just going about her life. And that's the most irksome thing of all.

By Alexandra Petri  | July 27, 2010; 12:38 PM ET
Categories:  Petri  | Tags:  Alexandra Petri  
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You bridezillas crack me up. And your dopey cohorts go along with every bit of it. You're marriages are doomed.

Posted by: adrienne_najjar | July 27, 2010 2:59 PM | Report abuse

This is probably the dumbest article in the WaPo today. This is what happens when you turn the opinion page into a game of "Who Wants to be a Columnist". One can only hope that this doesn't appear in print, or actual resources will have been wasted on this drivel.

Posted by: agalleg1 | July 27, 2010 3:14 PM | Report abuse

The 2 million dollar affair at the billionaire estate, is something all of the Clintons should know better than. including Chelsea.

Totally wrong signal for anybody in the Progressive movement, with millions of Americans down and out.

Justice Of Peace, Chelsea - get over self...

- Balkingpoints / www

Posted by: RField7 | July 27, 2010 3:22 PM | Report abuse

I agree with agalleg1 ... pure drivel. how this got onto the electronic pages of the Washington Post, beyond me.

Posted by: podonnel | July 27, 2010 3:28 PM | Report abuse

Oh come on. The other woman is just being a real person, too. Wanting her guests to actually make it to her big day? Who does she think she IS? That's certainly no cause for being bummed about the biggest day of HER life. What a jerk.

Posted by: Kate_B | July 27, 2010 3:38 PM | Report abuse

Pay no attention to these nibs, Alexandra. Some of us still recognize humor when we see it.

Posted by: disposall | July 27, 2010 3:40 PM | Report abuse

this is a humor piece you morons! DOH!!

Posted by: jeffcoud2 | July 27, 2010 3:52 PM | Report abuse

Oh my goodness, people lighten up! This is meant to be funny. Stop trying so hard to be miserable.

Posted by: catmomtx | July 27, 2010 4:34 PM | Report abuse

What a s**tload of crap! I sometimes wonder if the Editors of this once-august newspaper have gone into some kind of permanent stupor.
It is a shame that this woman is allowed to write a piece.

No wonder WikiLeaks bypassed WaPo. Post has become intellectually lazy and now is catering to stupid.

Posted by: Troglodyte | July 27, 2010 4:45 PM | Report abuse

I've got to agree that the use of extreme sarcasm in this is a bit annoying. I know its supposed to be humor but it just isn't funny.

To be blunt, it doesn't really make much sense. For 3 million, you were expecting a public spectacle. Instead its more like a normal wedding using more expensive stuff. Not a very funny or very ironic subject for a column.

But its summer and you've to post something right...not everything's got to be a Pulitzer, I'll still read your stuff :)

Posted by: LiliKang | July 27, 2010 4:46 PM | Report abuse

jeffcoud2 & catmomtx :
If you consider this Humor, do take an appointment at Sheppard Pratt. You may become normal once again.

Posted by: Troglodyte | July 27, 2010 4:48 PM | Report abuse

Oh will all you grouchy news snobs just lighten up, for goodness sakes! Take a joke already. Don't you get tired of oil spills and Afghan war document leaks and Democratic congress-people whining and Tea Parties and NAACP and who's racist and who's not, etc, etc, etc?

After all, you did READ the article now didn't ya? Huh? HUH?

Posted by: repubsux | July 27, 2010 4:51 PM | Report abuse

Daughter of adulterous impeached president to marry son of ex-convict felon.

Breathless Dims swoon.

Posted by: screwjob17 | July 27, 2010 5:08 PM | Report abuse

this is an unbelievably inane column. Only worth the time to comment in the hopes this will be the last.

Posted by: naranja | July 27, 2010 5:43 PM | Report abuse

Not miserable. Not funny. Reads like a Journalism 101 class paper.

Posted by: beverly6 | July 27, 2010 5:59 PM | Report abuse

Wow. That was wierd.

All I can say is, congratulations Chelsea on your wedding, good luck in the future, and tell your Dad I still love him!

Posted by: lindalovejones | July 27, 2010 6:00 PM | Report abuse

wait. Are you bridezillas actually reading this or just the header? Really? This is hilarious! Awesome article Ms. Petri!

Posted by: JeffRoRoRo | July 27, 2010 6:23 PM | Report abuse

The only bad thing about this article is now I know that Ms. Clinton has stolen all of my ideas, too!

Posted by: ttwiggle | July 27, 2010 6:24 PM | Report abuse

This is in the Washington Post. Not a personal blog, but the Washington...used to be great....Post.

Posted by: sarahabc | July 27, 2010 8:02 PM | Report abuse

I'd imagine a lot of the bucks are going for security.

Take a hint, gals, and elope. When you say a wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, that's pretty sad. So then the rest of your life is all downhill. Save the money for the important things.

An acquaintance told me that a friend of hers put her dad in hock for about $150k (and this is South Central PA, not NY). This was about 2 years ago. They're divorcing now, and of course the wedding isn't paid for yet.

Better yet, have only sons if you have children. Even better, pay for your wedding yourself.

Posted by: MichelleKinPA | July 27, 2010 8:35 PM | Report abuse


Posted by: wgmadden | July 27, 2010 8:39 PM | Report abuse

Does Chelsea remind anyone else of a Bassett Hound?

Posted by: twann9852 | July 27, 2010 8:59 PM | Report abuse

lol at all the teabaggers who jumped on this column and don't understand it

Posted by: Potter2 | July 27, 2010 11:41 PM | Report abuse

It's ok, Alexandra. At least you didn't fall outta the ugly tree and bounce yer face off every branch on the way down like Chelsea. You see what poor Bill gotta lay out for hair and makeup? 20-Large. That's 20 THOUSAND dollars. That's a lotta lipstick on that...never mind.

Posted by: JamesChristian | July 28, 2010 12:03 AM | Report abuse

How about the fact that the fully paranoid due to permanent sexual dissatisfaction mother of Chelsea is ruining what is left from any American prestige with her search for Russian and Slavic attractive women to accuse them in spying? The fact the Clinton family robbed this country blindly is no news. There are also no news in facts that "charming" mass murderer Hillary Clinton was behind Oklahoma bombing and, of course, 9/11. But this new paranoia with Russian spies, who are always beautiful females, looks, I think, too much, is it not?

Posted by: aepelbaum | July 28, 2010 12:04 AM | Report abuse

And how about this movie "Hillary", which US Supreme Court allowed to be shown to the public, but which was and is no not accessible for the public? Instead US Supreme Court is accused by Obama in permitting companies to subsidize elections, like they have no such opportunity before. Complete cretinism, is it not? Where is to the Hell this movie "Hillary", which, according to hints, shows "beyond any doubt" that our SOS is the heaviest criminal, for whom the gallows or lethal injection have been crying for full twenty years. Oh-ho-ho!

Posted by: aepelbaum | July 28, 2010 12:12 AM | Report abuse

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