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New careers for Tony Hayward

By Alexandra Petri

As expected, the BP board has just announced Tony Hayward's departure, scheduled for this October. Now he'll have his life back -- and be on the job market -- sooner than he expected! It might look daunting, but you know what they say: The darkest moment is always just before the oil slick overruns your habitat. To help, here are seven of my best suggestions, and another suggestion that is just okay.

1. Do whatever it is Piers Morgan used to do. Piers Morgan is becoming Larry King. In order to keep this from being too confusing, Tony should take over as Piers Morgan. They even look somewhat similar!
piers.bmptony2.bmp
Instead of telling contestants on America’s Got Talent that they lack skills and are “pitchy,” Tony can apologize to them and then compare them unflatteringly to deceased sea-life.

2. New mascot of Frosted Flakes. Tony the Tiger is getting played out. Tony the Hayward can add gravitas. The slogan might have to be changed to, “They’re all right, I guess.” But there’s nothing like a chagrined-looking British man on a box of cereal to make you want to buy it and feed it to your children.

3. Mattress salesman. When asked if he could sleep at night after the oil spill, Tony responded: "Of course I can." He must have a great mattress! If he can sleep after that, I want one.

4. High school science teacher. "The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume."

5. Presenter at the Tony Awards. He can start his own category for "Longest-Running Disaster" or "Most Spectacular Failure that Could Have Been Prevented in Advance."

6. Aquarium volunteer. In a move oddly reminiscent of the movie, "Step Up," Tony can put in his time in the very community that was most devastated by his actions. Along the way, he and some scrappy sea turtles can form a lifelong friendship and change the way America perceives dance.

7. Tea Partyer. "To show defiance towards Britain, Colonial Americans dumped tea in Boston harbor. I took that much, much farther." Sam Adams has nothing on this man when it comes to dumping large quantities of controversial material into bodies of water! Compared to him, our Founding Fathers are amateurs who did nothing but caffeinate a few turtles. Tony can show everyone how to spread a real message, a message like "BP needs better safety controls."

8. Life coach. Want your life back? Tony knows how you feel. He can go around giving inspiring speeches. "I don’t see the cup as half empty," he’ll say. "I see the cup as half-full. Of oil. This is also, incidentally, how I see the ocean."

Bon Voyage, Tony! Have more suggestions? Feel free to post them below!

By Alexandra Petri  | July 26, 2010; 11:29 AM ET
Categories:  Petri  | Tags:  Alexandra Petri  
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Comments

Hayward could host the game show "Who Wants Their Life Back."

A serious suggestion - have him spend the rest of his life helping clean the oil off the Gulf wildlife.

Posted by: Carstonio | July 26, 2010 2:07 PM | Report abuse

I for one am sick to death about BP Tony Hayward. How has this really effected his life style. With so much going on in the world, jobless rate being what it is plus people losing their homes, have already lost their savings, the homeless, the aged and thesick, must we give a damn what happens to Tony Hayward, his position, his income and all the rest. Our society continues to get worse rather than better.

Posted by: jsyedg | July 26, 2010 2:45 PM | Report abuse

I DID THEN I GET A MESSAGE BACK SAYING THAT I HAVE POSTED TOO MANY COMMENTS. THAT I SHOULD TRY AGAIN. GO TO HELL

Posted by: jsyedg | July 26, 2010 2:48 PM | Report abuse

If we floated him out in the Gulf along with other oil execs and all those who cheered; "Drill Baby Drill" and still support deepwater drilling and try to block renewable energy - How much OIL would they soak up if we turned them all into 'Booms'???

Probably an amount that is "tiny in relation to the total water volume" of the Gulf of Mexico.

But still worth a shot...

Posted by: dianeb181 | July 26, 2010 3:30 PM | Report abuse

If we floated him out in the Gulf along with other oil execs and all those who cheered; "Drill Baby Drill" and still support deepwater drilling and try to block renewable energy - How much OIL would they soak up if we turned them all into 'Booms'???

Probably an amount that is "tiny in relation to the total water volume" of the Gulf of Mexico.

But still worth a shot...

Posted by: dianeb181 | July 26, 2010 3:31 PM | Report abuse

He'll get a golden parachute, just as Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina did. Maybe he could take his tact, foresight, and planning expertise into politics? Think what he could do with a whole national budget to spend on risky projects while saving on safety equipment!

Posted by: MaineWoman | July 26, 2010 3:34 PM | Report abuse

He and our beloved ex-Vice President Cheney should start a new Oil and Gas Drilling company named "Give A Hoot? We Pollute" Inc.

Posted by: bavery1 | July 27, 2010 10:36 AM | Report abuse

How about the positions of "Inmate" and "Convicted Felon"?

Posted by: senigma | July 27, 2010 10:40 AM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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