New careers for Tony Hayward
By Alexandra Petri
As expected, the BP board has just announced Tony Hayward's departure, scheduled for this October. Now he'll have his life back -- and be on the job market -- sooner than he expected! It might look daunting, but you know what they say: The darkest moment is always just before the oil slick overruns your habitat. To help, here are seven of my best suggestions, and another suggestion that is just okay.
1. Do whatever it is Piers Morgan used to do. Piers Morgan is becoming Larry King. In order to keep this from being too confusing, Tony should take over as Piers Morgan. They even look somewhat similar!
Instead of telling contestants on America’s Got Talent that they lack skills and are “pitchy,” Tony can apologize to them and then compare them unflatteringly to deceased sea-life.
2. New mascot of Frosted Flakes. Tony the Tiger is getting played out. Tony the Hayward can add gravitas. The slogan might have to be changed to, “They’re all right, I guess.” But there’s nothing like a chagrined-looking British man on a box of cereal to make you want to buy it and feed it to your children.
3. Mattress salesman. When asked if he could sleep at night after the oil spill, Tony responded: "Of course I can." He must have a great mattress! If he can sleep after that, I want one.
4. High school science teacher. "The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume."
5. Presenter at the Tony Awards. He can start his own category for "Longest-Running Disaster" or "Most Spectacular Failure that Could Have Been Prevented in Advance."
6. Aquarium volunteer. In a move oddly reminiscent of the movie, "Step Up," Tony can put in his time in the very community that was most devastated by his actions. Along the way, he and some scrappy sea turtles can form a lifelong friendship and change the way America perceives dance.
7. Tea Partyer. "To show defiance towards Britain, Colonial Americans dumped tea in Boston harbor. I took that much, much farther." Sam Adams has nothing on this man when it comes to dumping large quantities of controversial material into bodies of water! Compared to him, our Founding Fathers are amateurs who did nothing but caffeinate a few turtles. Tony can show everyone how to spread a real message, a message like "BP needs better safety controls."
8. Life coach. Want your life back? Tony knows how you feel. He can go around giving inspiring speeches. "I don’t see the cup as half empty," he’ll say. "I see the cup as half-full. Of oil. This is also, incidentally, how I see the ocean."
Bon Voyage, Tony! Have more suggestions? Feel free to post them below!
| July 26, 2010; 11:29 AM ET
Categories: Petri | Tags: Alexandra Petri
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