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Twelve signs your eggs have turned

With more than half a billion eggs recalled and nearly 1,300 reported cases of salmonella poisoning, everyone is talking about the eggs that have penetrated our system and are threatening the American way of life. Now, everyone's rushing to foodsafety.gov, a government website that includes helpful advice about egg safety.

I could make some sort of grotesque jibe about how it's no yolk -- these eggs are all-singing, all-dancing, all-bumen terrorists who can be cracked but never beaten. But I'll spare you that.

Instead, I want to do my part to help. So, if you're too lazy to visit foodsafety.gov, here's a lay-person's list of the top signs your eggs might have turned on you.

  1. Eggs explode in n-word-filled tirade on radio.
  2. Eggs (unfertilized) decide to participate in a rumored sex tape with Heidi Montag.
  3. Eggs keep trying to explain the plot of Inception to you whenever you open the refrigerator.
  4. Eggs more than twenty years old still live at home, claim they’re “taking time to find themselves” as part of a “new generation”
  5. Eggs crack, activate emergency slide, jump off airline.
  6. Eggs blame current state of affairs on chickens, explaining “They came first, and we are left with the painful legacy of their policies”
  7. Eggs pose nude on cover of Rolling Stone magazine, splattered in yolk
  8. One juror insists the eggs are “perfectly fresh” and that the government failed to make its case. Eggs go free.
  9. Eggs push to end birthright citizenship. "Just because someone laid you here doesn't mean you're an American."
  10. Twenty percent of eggs insist President Obama is a Muslim and demand to see his Julian date.
  11. Eggs refuse to participate in omelet process. "Unless you can find some other way to make an omelet, we're out," eggs insist.
  12. Eggs demand to be put in one basket. "We've been told this is how the economy works," eggs say. Eggs also demand to be counted before they hatch.

By Alexandra Petri  | August 23, 2010; 5:13 PM ET
Categories:  Petri  | Tags:  Alexandra Petri  
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Next: DEA: the E is for 'Ebonics'

Comments

This article was a singularly useless addition to the literature of the world.

I've seen more thoughtful work from sixth graders.

Posted by: Crmudgeon | August 23, 2010 5:46 PM | Report abuse

Ms. Petri, your local community college probably offers a course in writing satire. It's not too late to enroll for the fall semester.

Posted by: Itzajob | August 23, 2010 6:42 PM | Report abuse

ahahahhahahah. Nice.

Posted by: trsqw | August 23, 2010 9:53 PM | Report abuse

I thought this was fairly clever and amusing for a quick morning read.

Crmudgeon why don't you post some of your indispensable contributions to world literature. Oh, you don't have any?
Well then.

Posted by: rhymnoceros | August 24, 2010 8:34 AM | Report abuse


I'm happy Petri provided the dish on bacterial culture.

Posted by: edbyronadams | August 24, 2010 9:50 AM | Report abuse

I want to apologize to Ms. Petri for my comment yesterday. It was mean, and I felt bad about it all night.

But still, we all have strengths and weaknesses, and some of your other writing has been so much stronger. Why don't you focus on what you're best at, and maybe work on the other things you want to develop in private until they're ready for prime time?

Again, apologies...

Posted by: Itzajob | August 24, 2010 10:16 AM | Report abuse

If an image of Sarah Palin is on the shell.

Posted by: whocares666 | August 24, 2010 10:48 AM | Report abuse

I was expecting some boring article about food safety, so I was delighted to find humor.

Posted by: mat00 | August 24, 2010 11:04 AM | Report abuse

Maybe a little clever and cute but not very funny or worthwhile.

Useless journalism. Increasingly a problem for the Post, that and meritless, slanted right columns and opinion pieces.

Posted by: baileywick | August 24, 2010 11:49 AM | Report abuse

Eggcellent. Totally eggjoyed it.

Posted by: 808caryl | August 24, 2010 12:20 PM | Report abuse

The Senate’s yearlong failure to pass a food safety overhaul has hampered the ability of Obama administration to quickly recall the 600 million eggs connected to a salmonella outbreak that has sickened nearly 2,000 people, experts and lawmakers say.

The House approved its version of the food safety bill in July 2009 — that was more than 60 recalls of Food and Drug Administration regulated products ago, according to a report by the Make Our Food Safe Coalition. But the Senate has continued to drag its feet.

The pressure is now on Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.), who has consistently pushed the bill to the backburner. Lawmakers, aides and analysts say Reid must bring the bill to the floor when the Senate returns in September in light of the major deficiencies in a nearly century-old regulatory system —- and one of the worst food outbreaks yet.

“Without the muscle of an updated law to actually carry out these rules, we're afraid of more outbreaks like these,” said Erik Olsen, Deputy Director of the Pew Health Group’s Food Portfolio.

“This is really an object lesson in why we need the food safety legislation.”

Current law is so weak that it does not permit the Food and Drug Administration to authorize recalls.

The Senate Majority Leader does not believe in food safety. Reid, indeed, is the reason, we have put all of our eggs in one basket - the basket of death and disease.

Posted by: alance | August 24, 2010 12:35 PM | Report abuse

edbyronadams, loved your comment. You too, 808caryl.

As for the whiners complaining about the content... quit sucking on lemons and get a sense of humor! I love seeing a break from the constant seriousness of the news. This was a delightful read.

Thank you Ms. Petri! You definitely provided the dish on bacterial culture. ;-)

Posted by: ktsmom9 | August 24, 2010 12:40 PM | Report abuse

alance - So cutting-and-pasting (without attribution) a piece from Politico is your idea of a useful comment to a humor post? Something's a little quirky with your social interaction skilz.
----------
For the record, here's the link to alance's stolen comment:
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0810/41391.html

Posted by: bobsewell | August 24, 2010 3:48 PM | Report abuse

Oh Ms. Petri,
Your satire is so ungracefully unfunny and unpleasant.. it's like walking on egg shells.

Please please start reading Mark Twain.

Posted by: Silly_Willy_Bulldog | August 24, 2010 4:27 PM | Report abuse

Hilarious! Baileywick, for pete's sake, get a sense of humor.

Posted by: Alex511 | August 24, 2010 8:45 PM | Report abuse

Not funny. I'm guessing your serious writing is good. There are plenty of funny writers out there - please give them this space.

Posted by: uncommonsense | August 25, 2010 5:23 AM | Report abuse

To everyone accusing the author of writing bad satire...this is not a satire piece. It is a lampoon. Go write something funny and get a major newspaper to run it since you have the time to whine on the internet.

Posted by: purpledrank | August 25, 2010 1:13 PM | Report abuse

It's remarkably ironic that you suggest Ms. Petri enroll at a community college as she is an alumna of Harvard and most probably far more intelligent than you, Itzajob.

Posted by: chorin | August 26, 2010 10:21 AM | Report abuse

I loved it! Ms. Petri's article is witty and creative, I enjoyed reading it. Can't wait to see more articles from her!

Posted by: jharter | August 26, 2010 4:29 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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