Nick Johnson: 'The Girl Can't Help It'?

'You got me trippin', stumbling, flippin', fumbling.'

I went to opening night at Nationals Park, and all you got was this lousy story about lousy ballpark music. Well, that, a Ben's Half-Smoke, a $7.50 beer and a walk-off homer.

Because I really needed more Lou Bega and KC and the Sunshine Band in my life (and, also, because I find the "sumptuous swath of green" of the field to be "as satisfying to something primal in ... [my] soul as a field of gazelles is to a lion stalking the savanna"), I've returned to Nationals Park several times since the opener.

Which means I've heard most of the new walk-up music selected by the Nats players.

Christian Cristian Guzman's song of choice, e.g., is 50 Cent's "Disco Inferno," though something like "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" would have been a much better pick - since, you know, it'd be really ironic, given that Guzman has drawn exactly one walk in 65 plate appearances this season, which is truly wretched for a leadoff guy.

Ryan Zimmerman has been using Lupe Fiasco's "Superstar," though he's hardly been playing like one.

Austin Kearns came up to "Louisiana Saturday Night" on Sunday.

Willie Harris, who has cranked all of seven home runs in his career, is going with Soulja Boy's "Crank That."

Pitcher Tim Redding used Rusted Root's "Send Me On My Way" shortly before Manny Acta sent him on his way after five-plus semi-effective innings.

The most interesting at-bat songs, though, belong to Nick Johnson, who has been using "SexyBack" (he's back! and he's, well ... he's back!) - and also, for some strange reason, Fergie's "Clumsy." Specifically, the part that samples Little Richard's "The Girl Can't Help It."

So as Johnson comes to the plate, this is what you hear: "Can't help it/The girl can't help it." Which is just ... weird.

So what should the Sacramento kid use when he comes to the plate? Having seen the above photo of Mr. "SexyBack" in his spring training muumuu, alongside the not-exactly-svelte Dimitri Young, a friend suggests Heavy D's "Mr. Big Stuff."

By J. Freedom du Lac |  April 16, 2008; 12:23 PM ET Ridiculousness
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Kearns has had "Louisiana Saturday Night" since 2006.

I love Guzman, but he single-handedly drained every ounce of enjoyment from the song "Lean Back" for me when he was using it during 2005, his annus horribilis. Now when that comes on my iTunes shuffle, memories of Cristian flailing ineffectually under the arclights spring unbidden to mind.

I call a Heavy D limit of one song per team, and I assign "The Overweight Lover's in the House" to DY. Big Nick Johnson gets to come on to the instrumental track from Wu-Tang's "Rushing Elephants." Or, more realistically, Amerie's "1 Thing" (D.C. stand up!).

Posted by: Lindemann | April 16, 2008 7:43 PM

Kearns is a good ole southern boy, so his song choice is appropriate.

Posted by: msto | April 18, 2008 1:58 PM

My guess is the operable lyric in that segment of "Clumsy" is "And I'm back!"

just a guess

Posted by: brendalynn | April 23, 2008 7:25 PM

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