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Great Moments in Flackery: Going Commando

You don't need me to link to the Britney Spears photos; you've seen way too much already.

But if you were wondering how someone was going to make a pile of dough off that particular sordid episode, wonder no more (Hey, Weingarten's on leave--somebody has to do this):

Here is a verbatim excerpt from a pitch letter received by some journalists this week. Be thankful for media filters, folks--really, without some of the stuff we spare you, you'll live longer. Example:

Got a story idea for you: With all the recent press on celebs (Lindsay, Paris and, most notably, Britney) going sans skivvies, it's become clear that bare down there is quickly becoming a trend. We recently brought on board a product that addresses that trend: Commandos, a patch ladies can stick inside their jeans that allows them to comfortably go "commando," or without underwear. It could be used as a cheeky tie-in with the Britney-sans-panties crisis or as a think piece on why so many women are going without underwear and the products out there that address it (hair dye and mascara for the nether regions, to name a few more). Commandos' founder, Jo Bernard, is also available for interviews--very smart, articulate lady with some sharp insight on the going-commando phenomenon. Let me know what you think.

And now from the press release:

Let's face it, we live in an age where trendy denim cuts continue to plunge to lower levels and flattering, tighter fitting pants will always be in vogue. While seasonal variations on these traditional hip hugging silhouettes continue to evolve, appropriate undergarments to suit them have not kept pace. As a result, women of all ages are challenging the panty paradigm and opting to go underwear free (a.k.a. commando) to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable, exposed thongs peeking over the waistline or the ever dreaded visible panty line (VPL). Finally a solution is now available that provides essential protection without the need for inhibiting undergarments... Introducing COMMANDOSâ„¢ patches - the next step in the evolution of underwear!

COMMANDOSâ„¢ patches are a totally revolutionary product in use, design and fabrication as the authentic underwear-free garment for those who "go without". While panty liners, panties made from thin materials or low-rise thongs may seem a viable solution for those who wish to eliminate panty lines, COMMANDOSâ„¢ patches are specifically designed and shaped to offer ideal coverage, comfort and protection that will not come unstuck or go noticed by the wearer....

Offered in several discreet color options including Black, Light Nude, White, Pale Pink, and Denim, the disposable patches are intended for one time use and should be removed immediately after wearing. Although COMMANDOSâ„¢ patches are currently available in various quantities; the standard retail offering is a pack of eight patches for $16.00 plus tax.....

And finally, lest you think this is just a crass commercial, the press release gets all historical on us:

The phrase "going commando" entered the public consciousness during the Vietnam War, when American Special Forces were spending extended periods of time in hot, wet jungle environments and went without underwear to avoid discomfort. It also appeared in a source on college slang in 1974, but the phrase entered mainstream pop culture in the 90's, when both Seinfeld and Friends, two of the most popular and longest running sitcoms of all time used "going commando" as a plotline in memorable episodes.

Finally, if we're going to be serious about this, and hey, this is the Washington Post, you know, you'll want some statistics. Always good to have some stats, no matter how lame or suspect:

According to a 2005 study conducted by freshpair.com, a leading internet retailer of name-brand underwear products, approximately 6.5 million American women choose to go commando on a regular basis. That figure equates equals to roughly six percent of all women in the United States!

Ok, that's it. You're on your own from here on. Gene, when are you coming back?

By Marc Fisher |  December 14, 2006; 12:26 PM ET
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Comments

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Gene will rue the absence of VPL on women who go commando.

Posted by: Mister Methane | December 14, 2006 1:05 PM

Now when we see no VPL we can imagine them nekkid down there.

Posted by: Stick | December 14, 2006 1:52 PM

There wouldn't have been a Brittany story if she'd been wearing enough for a patch to adhere to.

Posted by: GJ | December 14, 2006 2:08 PM

I can only say OW for when the liner's adhesive curls up and sticks to a wholly uncomfortable area.

Posted by: Boutros | December 14, 2006 2:18 PM

Yes, GJ! Thank you for pointing out the obvious.

The commando patch is likely to do a lot of business in the jean-wearing demographic ... I'm sorry to say that it's actually not a bad idea.

Posted by: Kate | December 14, 2006 2:19 PM

Mascara for down there? I can't figure that one out.

Posted by: mfb | December 14, 2006 2:30 PM

I'm with mfb. Mascara??? So you can lengthen and curl it? And is there special crotch-makeup remover for that too?

Posted by: i'm just sayin' | December 14, 2006 2:43 PM

Who cares about Britney Spears? There's too many other important things going on in our lives to worry about celebraties who act dumb and stupid.

Posted by: Rodney | December 14, 2006 2:48 PM

This just plain stupid.

Posted by: Anonymous | December 14, 2006 7:30 PM

To Boutros, Hopefully there would be no hair down there for the adhesive to curl up and sticvk to!

Posted by: Brazilian | December 15, 2006 1:23 PM

Yeah, but at least now we know that there is a quote very smart, articulate lady unquote selling the pubic mascara.

Posted by: crc | December 15, 2006 1:25 PM

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