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Etch-a-Sketch: Torture and Disney Edition

Congratulations to "zippypinhead1," who wrote the lead of today's Washington Sketch column: "Calling Jimmy Carter to testify about energy security is like calling Michael Vick to testify about pet care."

Today's assignment is tricky. I'm in an excellent hearing right now in which the Senate Commerce Committee is attempting to rescue Disney and Vegas. But next door there's a Judiciary Committee hearing on torture. It won't be very funny, but there's word that former interrogator Ali Soufan will be testifying from behind a screen. Help me figure out how to combine the themes of the two hearings. For example: What enhanced interrogation techniques would Disney or Vegas casinos use if they were put in charge of questioning terrorism suspects?

By Dana Milbank  | May 13, 2009; 11:40 AM ET
Categories:  Etch-a-Sketch  
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Grow up, Dana. You have GOT to be kidding me with this ridiculous statement. There are a lot of areas which reasonable people can find to criticize Jimmy Carter, but his attitude towards energy policy was absolutely prescient. His problem was that he was 20 years too soon, so his claim that reducing our energy dependence was "the moral equivalent of war" was laughed off. Well, in the light of our multi-trillion dollar invasion of Iraq in order to shore up our energy supply, President Carter's early warning now comes across as clairvoyant. Too bad we didn't listen to him when we had the chance, instead of embarking on 30 years of Republican rule which has brought our once-great nation to the brink of ruin...

Posted by: jerkhoff | May 13, 2009 12:33 PM | Report abuse

How can you make such trivial, childish jokes about the torture regime instituted by the United States government?

You know what, asking Michael Vick to testify about pet care is like putting the Washington press corps in charge of putting a check on abuses by our government.

"But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home." -- Stephen Colbert, 2006

Posted by: poGhoh3K | May 13, 2009 12:51 PM | Report abuse

Disney could run endless loops of that scene where Mickey Mouse axes the broom and it continues to multiply. That freaked me out as a kid. Vegas would simply have to lock them up in the same room as Steve Wynn and make them stare at his face.

Posted by: Mauckjw | May 13, 2009 1:00 PM | Report abuse

We could make the terrorist experience GAY DAY at Disney world or give them a few thousand dollars to spend on call girls in Vegas. In both cases the aim would be to jolt them out of their ancient sexual views and into modernity. Once we infect them with Western culture they won't want to go back to austerity and Islamic Puritanism. In the end the war will be won by making the rest of the world into MTV\VH1 reality show addicts.

Posted by: Mauckjw | May 13, 2009 1:11 PM | Report abuse

Will there be hand shadows on the screen? There could be Mickey silhouettes to illustrate the torture testimony. Mickey and the bucket-carrying brooms from "Fantasia" could be enlisted to do the waterboarding.

Vegas is adept at keeping people awake for days on end without any sunlight, fresh air or food.

Posted by: hlabadie | May 13, 2009 1:20 PM | Report abuse

A few days watching the Bachelorette or Ugly Betty should make anyone talk...
Disney might also play High School Musical for 48 hours straight.
In Vegas, contestants would spin the wheel to see what kind of torture they'll be enduring for that particular time slot.
...with your host - Dick Cheney (with hair plugs and new teeth)!!

Posted by: kbtoledo | May 13, 2009 2:43 PM | Report abuse

This is a tough one Dana. South Park made an episode this season attacking the Jonas Brothers and their pimp Mr. Mouse(aka Mickey). It might supply some inspiration or at least some laughs.

Posted by: Mauckjw | May 13, 2009 3:32 PM | Report abuse

Exposure to photos from Flash Mountain might be used to humiliate some Guantanamo inmates.

"ANAHEIM, Calif. (AP) -- Disney says it will no longer scan riders on Splash Mountain and three other rides for guests who feel the need to flash their breasts for souvenir photos."

Same might be said for most Vegas shows.

Goofy could offer legal opinions about torture. "Gawsh, that sounds dandy. Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk." (That is an actual memo written by Alberto Gonzales.)

Donald could be tasked to browbeat both the inmates and the interrogators.

Scrooge McDuck could be contractor for the new federal lockups. Old money bins would be the most secure sites on Earth.

Posted by: hlabadie | May 13, 2009 3:36 PM | Report abuse

Personally, I think being forced to ride through "It's a Small World" over and over and over and over and over and over should count as "Enhanced Interrogation Techniques"

Posted by: hkellick | May 13, 2009 4:14 PM | Report abuse

Fear and Loathing (and Waterboarding) in Orlando

Posted by: SC4RR3D | May 13, 2009 4:26 PM | Report abuse

Vegas Casino executives suggested terror suspects be given a simple choice -- tell us what you know, or we will force you to try to find 70 virgins on the Strip.

Disney Executives were more circumspect, declining to discuss rumors that the cars on "It's a Small World After All" can be reconfigured so that a rider's head is submerged under water the entire ride. CIA officials, speaking on background, explained that it is often hard to predict which configuration suspects will find more terrifying.

Posted by: Axisofstupidity1 | May 13, 2009 4:43 PM | Report abuse

And for the record, I hadn't seen the post by "hkellick" when I posted. (Though great minds clearly think alike.)

Posted by: Axisofstupidity1 | May 13, 2009 4:49 PM | Report abuse

Most adults would agree that a "Hannah Montana"marathon would constitute torture under the Geneva Conventions.

Posted by: hlabadie | May 13, 2009 5:58 PM | Report abuse

Disney would several Al-Qaida terrorists. The technique used would involve the watching every release of Snow White and trying to find the difference between each version.

Vegas casinos would torture terrorists the same way they do Americans: with cheesy buffets, bad shows, and the false hope of millions of dollars.

Posted by: terpguy2009 | May 13, 2009 6:09 PM | Report abuse

* correction- bad buffets and cheesy shows

Posted by: terpguy2009 | May 13, 2009 6:23 PM | Report abuse

Dana, finish up that bag of weed, get off your pudgy butt and write your own columns.

Posted by: KennyBoy | May 13, 2009 6:31 PM | Report abuse

Having to clean the litter boxes for Seigfried & Roy's lions?

Posted by: willdd | May 13, 2009 6:43 PM | Report abuse

This is easy: Celine Dion singing "It's A Small World" nonstop, 24/7.

Posted by: iainspapa | May 14, 2009 6:26 PM | Report abuse

Posted by: roverfind | May 16, 2009 6:47 AM | Report abuse

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