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Top 10 reasons Christine O'Donnell might be a real witch

Christine O'Donnell says "I dabbled into witchcraft." Now she's trying to jokingly play it off -- "How many of you did not hang out with questionable folks in high school?" she asks. A: Most of us, actually. I hung out with a pro-chastity vampire for a while, but then I got irritated with him for glittering all the time and having a pre-women's-lib stance on everything, so I took up with this werewolf, and -- I'm sorry, that's not my youth, that's the plot of Twilight.

But in spite of O'Donnell's attempts to joke away her admission that she dabbled in the Dark Arts, I think we should take her seriously. And you know what that means:

She's a witch!

I know this because O'Donnell once turned me into a newt. And if you don't believe me, look at my photo.

She says she never joined a coven. "I never joined a coven" is the witchcraft equivalent of "I didn't inhale."

"We all conjured up bats out of the fog, and then we made a potion to give ourselves eternal youth, and sacrificed this one guy, but, man, I never joined a coven!"

I like that witchcraft has replaced controlled substances as the thing you shouldn't dabble in in case you want to have a political career. That makes a lot more sense. Then again, witchcraft is all about doing the impossible -- or convincing people you can -- so it's kind of like politics.
I think there should be a new don't ask, don't tell that applies to whether or not you're a witch. We won't ask, but if you ever tell us, we're entitled to eject you immediately.

Anyway, here are the top 10 reasons Christine O'Donnell might be a real witch.

  1. If you put her in water, she floats! So does everyone, but that's the same criteria they used at the Salem witch trials, and they seemed to know what they were talking about.
  2. She gets better-looking as time passes. Everyone else who was prominent in the '90s came straggling out, broken and crinkled, muttering something about Vanilla Ice. Not O'Donnell. She's like the Dorian Gray of political candidates. Witch.
  3. Christine is a member of the Tea Party. One thing I know about tea is that, if you expose it to water, it dissolves. This is what the witch did in The Wizard of Oz. Witch.
  4. Christine O'Donnell says gays suffer from identity disorder. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia believes that gays are not protected against discrimination under the 14th amendment, and he spends all his time wandering around in a black robe and cackling, so maybe that's witch code. Maybe they're in the same not-coven.
  5. Witches use lots of made-up words, such as "hocus pocus" and "wingardium leviosa." Christine O'Donnell coins her own words and phrases, too, such as "unfactual" and "republican cannibalism." Witch.
  6. Christine O'Donnell once went on a date to a "satanic altar." Hasn't everyone? You know your date's going badly when he draws a pentagram on the table with sushi and insists "The Sacrifice Occurs Now." That's usually when I go to the bathroom and stay there. If my date comes and knocks on the door, I shout, "I've fallen in! Don't come after me! I'm in a better place!" That's not a witch thing. That's a dating thing. Unless "satanic altar" is a metaphor for something. In that case, witch.
  7. In "Wicked," a musical about witches, the witch Elphaba sings a song about defying gravity, a natural impulse that it is impossible to resist without magic. Christine O'Donnell opposes masturbation.
  8. She said she had a college degree, and then it disappeared, and then it reappeared! Magic! Witch!
  9. Joe Scarborough once asked her if she was going to stop the whole country from having sex. She responded: "Yes." Clearly, anyone with that much confidence in her powers must possess abilities beyond the ken of traditional humans. Witch.
  10. She says she's a common-sense conservative who is part of the real America. She promises to make government smaller, not raise taxes and bring values back to Washington. That would require magic. If she says she can deliver on that promise, then -- witch!

By Alexandra Petri  | September 20, 2010; 12:45 PM ET
Tags:  Alexandra Petri  
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Comments

Ms. Petri:

Great article, but you forgot one thing; Ms. O'Donnell is a "crooked witch" (as in "crook").

Posted by: rogied25 | September 20, 2010 3:38 PM | Report abuse

If she's a witch, how do you explain the seemingly magical hold Pres. Clinton still has on so many? And his wife was recorded cackling once ...

And for the record: it's leviOHsa, not levioSAHH.

Posted by: srpinpgh | September 20, 2010 3:48 PM | Report abuse

wow, is ms petri in high school herself. that was one of the most immature article i have ever read, and the left wonders why independents are running fast from them. great job ms petri, i am sure you will do well after you get your high school diploma

Posted by: wpace81196 | September 20, 2010 3:50 PM | Report abuse

Which witch are you referring to?

We also have witch Pelosi
We also have witch Napolitano

We also have some other serious witchcraft on the Dem side trying to destroy America.

Lisa P. Jackson
Margaret A. Hamburg

Posted by: alance | September 20, 2010 3:54 PM | Report abuse

Which witch are you referring to?

We also have witch Pelosi
We also have witch Napolitano

We also have some other serious witchcraft on the Dem side trying to destroy America.

Lisa P. Jackson
Margaret A. Hamburg
=========================
DUDE you have had a TP potion attack..
Too much Koolaide or Tea?

Pelosi, Napolitano, Jackson and Hamburg are the GOOD Witches..

ISA

Posted by: vettesport | September 20, 2010 4:04 PM | Report abuse

We need to weigh her against a duck.

And then dunk her in a pond - if she floats, she's a witch.

If she drowns, she isn't a witch.

Logic!

Posted by: WillSeattle | September 20, 2010 4:05 PM | Report abuse

SHE TURNED MIKE CASTLE INTO A TOAD

Posted by: MtWest9 | September 20, 2010 4:10 PM | Report abuse

Honestly, are you trying to insult Witches?

Posted by: cfow1 | September 20, 2010 4:11 PM | Report abuse

Better than 'dabbling' in Marxism and Cocaine...like some other politician we all know.

Posted by: MtWest9 | September 20, 2010 4:11 PM | Report abuse

I don't know if she's a witch or not, but she's a dimwitted whackjob like most of the women the GOP elevates to leadership positions.

Posted by: TwoTermObama | September 20, 2010 4:18 PM | Report abuse

Ridiculous--I am ashamed I wasted 5 minutes of my day reading this junk---can't believe the Post is desperate enough to print it!

Posted by: rupp515 | September 20, 2010 4:29 PM | Report abuse

Better to be turned into a newt than a gingrich. There's no recovering from that!

Posted by: tomguy1 | September 20, 2010 4:31 PM | Report abuse

So. You really went there in writing this piece.

I did not think it was possible, but somehow you succeeded in writing something guaranteed to offend everyone of every group that is not composed of male atheists. In its own way that is brilliant I suppose.

That or you are hanging around the wrong sarcastic cocktail crowd to pick up your material.

Posted by: Elisa2 | September 20, 2010 4:32 PM | Report abuse

Proctor & Gamble had to change their moon and stars logo because they could not kill the rumors that it represented Satanism. Word in the industry is that the company could track the rumor from regional sales data. Unexplained disruptions of sales always meant that someone new was spreading the rumor or that it resurfaced in some form.

Liberals are all laughing today, but there are numerous incumbent Democrats in the Bible Belt who know what can happen when that stuff gets stirred up.

They know it's all just talk and supersticion, but people still won't do things out of the ordinary on Friday the 13th... and they won't cast a ballot for a jinxed candidate.

Posted by: blasmaic | September 20, 2010 4:32 PM | Report abuse

O' Donnell is hoisted on her own petard.

Posted by: exbrown | September 20, 2010 4:44 PM | Report abuse

I'm getting sick and tired of the unacknowledged conspiracy by liberal media to destroy O'Donnell politically by a drumbeat of put downs.

The REAl witch, with power, is Pelosi.

I hope she gets boiled in Republican oil come November.

Posted by: dave19 | September 20, 2010 4:53 PM | Report abuse

no wonder the wapo loses money! hard to believe they pay people for this nonsense

Posted by: mct1 | September 20, 2010 5:23 PM | Report abuse

can you imagine the uproar from conservatives if nancy pelosi admitted to having a date on a satanic anything much less an alter or pres. obama on utube being blessed by an african witch doctor like sara palin.

Posted by: blinwilly | September 20, 2010 5:25 PM | Report abuse

We may all be laughing now but in my worst nightmare I see a Sara Palin, O Donnell ticket sometime in the future. I don't know what is happening in this country but I find it incomprehensible that people of this calibar reach national prominence. This century may be one of the most challenging in US history and we are saddled by political figures of extraordinary ordiniary intellectual qualifications. There are so many problems out there to be dealt with and solved. America is not doing well. If the political system is not capable of producing politicians who can work together for the common good this country is not destined for good times.
The short attention span and fickle nature of the American public is counterproductive to problem solving. If Glenn Beck, Limbaugh, O Reilly and Hannerty are setting the agenda with Fox news as primary cheerleader and catalyst, maybe witchcraft isn;t really so bad and is the least of our problems.

Posted by: maa11 | September 20, 2010 5:33 PM | Report abuse

Fun article, a bit sophomoric but certainly no more than the person she is writing about. I actually think Ms. O'Donnell is a good witch – she just handed the Senate to the Democrats for another two years; a definitive act of magic.

Posted by: timo2zu | September 20, 2010 5:52 PM | Report abuse

Are Tea Party candidates subjected to some sort of psychological evaluation and, then, if they score somewhere between 'crackpot' and 'bizarro', they're considered viable for public office?

Posted by: MidwaySailor76 | September 20, 2010 5:56 PM | Report abuse

This entire article must be a coded message to someone. Each sentence seems to make sense, but when taken together it appears to be a random collection of words.

Posted by: Ombudsman1 | September 20, 2010 6:07 PM | Report abuse

One more thing:

"One thing I know about tea is that, if you expose it to water, it dissolves."

Has Petri never seen tea? Could someone else from the Post show her how tea is a dried leaf that doesn't dissolve?

And as long as Petri is doing research, let her know coffee is a bean doesn't dissolve either.

Some things that do dissolve, tea, laundry detergent & Ovaltine.

Posted by: Ombudsman1 | September 20, 2010 6:10 PM | Report abuse

Boy, I'm sure the author must be real proud of herself for the heaping dish of snark she produced. However, I would think the WaPo would be cringing at the juvenality of the piece.

And Petri, you're not a newt, you're just a cold stone witch with a B.

Posted by: bandmom22 | September 20, 2010 6:12 PM | Report abuse

"can you imagine the uproar from conservatives if nancy pelosi admitted to having a date on a satanic anything"

Do you think that's any worse that Barney Frank admitting that a gay prostitution ring was run out of his place in DC?

And if you think I'm making that up, please Google for it, my friend.

Posted by: Ombudsman1 | September 20, 2010 6:22 PM | Report abuse

admission that she dabbled in the Dark Arts, I think we should take her seriously. And you know what that means:
------------------------------
Sorry, wicca or witchcraft has nothing to do with 'black arts'. That is the province of ritual magic and satanism (a Cristian heresy or sect from a Manichean perspective). The core principle is 'an it harm none, do what thou wilt'. This is amplifed by the 'rule of three' that anything you do for good or ill comes back to you, a flavor of Karma. 'piss not into the wind' ;-)

Posted by: pcgeorge | September 20, 2010 6:30 PM | Report abuse

And you are called Petri because your family comes from a line of germ breeders? What's your point here? I can't believe the WaPo would pay somebody as ditzy as you to write crap like this...oh wait, yes I can.

Posted by: PanhandleWilly | September 20, 2010 6:37 PM | Report abuse

The witchcraft thing doesn't bother me nearly as much as the fact that she's an unmedicated schizophrenic.

O'Donnell Hears Audible Voices

Now info has been dug up that Christine O'Donnell is hearing voices. Yes, audible voices. In 2006 she heard a voice identifying itself as "God" giving her advice on her primary run. Seriously, this is John Hinckley and George W Bush territory. The last time we had an unmedicated schizophrenic like this in office, we invaded a country that wasn't a threat "because God told me to liberate the people of Iraq".

Seriously people. We can disagree on tax policy and how to lower the skyrocketing cost of health care, and how to get the economy moving. But can we at LEAST agree not to put unmedicated schizophrenics in office? Is that really too much to ask?

Here it is:

http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2010/09/christine_odonnells_sexual_evolution.php

Posted by: B2O2 | September 20, 2010 6:53 PM | Report abuse

Now that was funnnneeeee!!!!!!:) Thanks for making me laugh out loud! We can all use a little humor now and then. U did good!

Posted by: alfalfabill | September 20, 2010 7:09 PM | Report abuse

And if you think I'm making that up, please Google for it, my friend.

Posted by: Ombudsman1
----------------------

Yes, verify the truth of your statement on the google. That's almost as funny as the article. Thanks for the laugh, my friend.

The earth is flat! If you think I'm making that up, please Google for it.

Posted by: leftcoaster | September 20, 2010 7:10 PM | Report abuse

apparently the right has no problem with a candidate being a witch, a religious fanatic, anti-sex... but a guy with a Harvard law degree? no way!
I guess skin color has no bearing .. naw.. couldn't be that.

Posted by: bozhogg | September 20, 2010 7:22 PM | Report abuse

Three weeks ago if you wrote a Palin-bashing article for the WaPo, you were guaranteed to be published. Now, it's O'Donnell's turn. This article is on par with the case of the students who tormented another student until she took her own life. Sophomoric would be a polite description of this writing.

Posted by: bethg1841 | September 20, 2010 7:23 PM | Report abuse

You cant just dabble in witchcraft. Once a witch--always a witch.

Posted by: seekerofthegood | September 20, 2010 7:29 PM | Report abuse

The WashPost website, and the internet in general, is awash in serious articles examining Christine O'Donnell from every possible angle. I wholeheartedly recommend that those of you who find the levity of this piece so painful seek them out. You'll enjoy them so much more. Your lives will be more fulfilling and your golf games will improve.

Trust me on this.

Posted by: Bob-S | September 20, 2010 7:37 PM | Report abuse

O'Donnell was a Witch, before she was Christian, so she says.

But, after she was a Christian, she charged up a lot of debt, student loans, mortgage, etc., and refused to pay for any of it and she also exploited innocent people for her supposedly political campaigns. She also used those political contributions to pay for her personal expenses, nor did she pay her workers.

Hum, now that I think about it, McDonnell sounds more like a Witch too me, than a Christian.

Posted by: lcarter0311 | September 20, 2010 8:37 PM | Report abuse

Personally, this is a dumb article. The only reason I'm writing is because you all forget -- Wiccans vote.

Posted by: 45upnorth | September 20, 2010 9:04 PM | Report abuse

When then Palin's a witch too, I mean, magical words like "refudiate" with no correction? I'm waiting to see who the third witch is, probably Bachmann. They will appear together on Halloween night to suck the youth out of this country. Hocus Pocus...

Then again, didn't Palin pray to protect Alaska from witches with some dude from Africa? Man, politics do make strange bedfellows! That or she just hates Delaware, which has the same population as Alaska (e.g., just short of zero). Maybe that puts them in the same political division, Triple Z!


Boo...

Posted by: Fate1 | September 20, 2010 9:28 PM | Report abuse

"Hum, now that I think about it, McDonnell sounds more like a Witch too me, than a Christian."
Posted by: lcarter0311

As do most "christians" who seek political power to foist their religion on everyone. Who else but a witch would think such evil?

Posted by: Fate1 | September 20, 2010 9:32 PM | Report abuse

I'm sure if she were a Democratic candidate the Washington Post wouldn't be trying to laugh this off. She's a fruitcake running for a very serious position.

Posted by: SarahBB | September 20, 2010 9:36 PM | Report abuse

I heard the author is a man. She sure as heck looks like one.

Posted by: grunk | September 20, 2010 9:42 PM | Report abuse

Petri Dish is so ugly I needed to get off this website. It upset my dog too much.

Petri Dish is one hate-filled hag.

Posted by: grunk | September 20, 2010 9:47 PM | Report abuse

This lady is so freakin' ugly she drove the fleas off my cat.

There should be laws on this ugly.

Posted by: grunk | September 20, 2010 9:55 PM | Report abuse

Alexandra Petri - God asking us to tolerate idiots.

Posted by: grunk | September 20, 2010 10:03 PM | Report abuse

If ugly were a crime, Petri Dish would be on death row.

Posted by: grunk | September 20, 2010 10:13 PM | Report abuse

Fate1 ~ when you use the term "foist" the clear implication is that the object you are concerned with being "foisted" is FALSE or COUNTERFEIT.

When you refer to "foisting Christianity" that means you believe it to be a false religion, or a counterfeit religion.

That means you are a bigot who should be dragged through the streets and garroted and tossed in the Grand Canal.

We just do no tolerate that sort of CR*P in this town do we?

Posted by: muawiyah | September 20, 2010 10:16 PM | Report abuse

And you are a paid journalist of the Washington Post? What a waste of money by the Post. No wonder the Post is loosing circulation and money.

Posted by: kdk1960 | September 20, 2010 10:44 PM | Report abuse

She did not turn you into a newt, which is obvious from looking at your photo. She simply turned your brain into a newt's brain.

Posted by: CA57 | September 20, 2010 10:46 PM | Report abuse

I think Christine O'Donnell is creative and intelligent.

I knew a lot of people like her in high school -- I guess Petri hung out with the brain-dead jocks. That's what she sounds like, anyway.

Posted by: EowynR | September 20, 2010 10:48 PM | Report abuse

I am sorry but if she thinks or ever thought anyone, let alone she, can stop the whole country from having sex, she is not part of the real America. The real America is very pro-sex. In fact, we'd be pro-sex every minute, given the chance. I know I sure am trying.

Posted by: bucinka8 | September 20, 2010 11:07 PM | Report abuse

Somebody here has read my mind: "better than dabbling in Marxism and cocaine..."
Somehow nobody remembers PAST sins of this much more prominent figure. Well somehow it is not in a good tone to criticize that prominent figure at all /in liberal and shamefully biased media like WP/.

Poor article. Shame.

Posted by: js1976 | September 20, 2010 11:11 PM | Report abuse

I was gonna go 'n git my friends down at the Megachurch by the Walmart and start up a 501(c) group called "Concerned Sitizens Agin' The Evil Witch Runnin' fer Senate". We wuz gonna git big fundin' from every Wall Street fatcat there is who's afraid of gubmint oversight of his various rackets. Then we wuz gonna scare ever' last soccer momma in Amurica that O'Donnell wuz plannin' on recruitin' their kids into SATANISM.

But then I realized she was one of ours. No problem with the witchcraft thingie. And don't forget where your bread's buttered when you get in - tax cuts for the wealthy, like a good Republican.

Tea Party 2010!
"Grass Roots Citizens for Wall Street"

Posted by: TriCorneredHead | September 20, 2010 11:27 PM | Report abuse

Real witches value life, celebrate sexuality, and believe in harming none, and are ethical. Christine O'Donnell is no witch.

Posted by: greeenmtns | September 20, 2010 11:38 PM | Report abuse

I hope some investigative reporter tries to find and interview O'Donnell's witch friends from high school, including the witch guy that she dated. The high school yearbook could be a first lead in finding her friends from that period.

Posted by: Martin98765 | September 21, 2010 1:02 AM | Report abuse

Real witches don't bother wasting their time commenting on subjects beyond their ken.

Posted by: Bob-S | September 21, 2010 1:07 AM | Report abuse

I'm going to provide a

*** TRANSLATION FOR THE HUMOR-IMPAIRED ***

Alexandra Petri isn't (exactly) making fun of Christine O'Donnell. She is (quite justifiably) making fun of the uproar over some silly remarks from Christine O'Donnell.

If you're a supporter of Christine O'Donnell, you really should be quite supportive of Ms. Petri's efforts in this regard. Perhaps you should bow down and worship at Petri's altar, or dish.

But you won't, because you don't know which side of your bread is buttered. I refer you back to my previous suggestion that you seek out one of the many tens of thousands of recent articles that actually discuss the very earnest Ms. O'Donnell, and leave the meta-discussions of the weirdness to those better-equipped to enjoy the spectacle.

Posted by: Bob-S | September 21, 2010 1:29 AM | Report abuse

This creates quite a situation. Sarah Palin's pastor hunts down and erradicates witches (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/max-blumenthal/the-witch-hunter-anoints_b_128805.html) and the Sarah goes and endorses a witch. What is going on? Has Sarah gone over to teh dark side? Did the pastor's anti-witch spells fail? Is this witchcraft what is causing all the problems between Bristol and Levi? When will this end?

Posted by: Prosperity2008 | September 21, 2010 8:07 AM | Report abuse

Wow. It makes me sad for Milbank that he spend so much time writing this painfully unfunny and pointless partisan dreck.

Of course, "painfully unfunny, pointless and partisan" would be the best way to sum up Milbank's career.

Posted by: bobmoses | September 21, 2010 8:52 AM | Report abuse

Well, this wasn't written by Milbank. But I'm sure your opinion of Ms. Petri is probably similar.

Posted by: bobsewell | September 21, 2010 10:11 AM | Report abuse

This is brilliant. Petri wins the Internet for today.

And I love all the bottom-hurt from the teabagger crowd. Poor darlings.

Posted by: bigbrother1 | September 21, 2010 10:27 AM | Report abuse

I find this attack on O'Donnell to be the Leftist equivalent to the accusation from the Right that Obama is a Muslim. Both are unfounded, ruthless, and insensitive to the people who hold these supposedly "bad" beliefs. Neither should matter. Now should O'Donnell be given any sort of political power? I, as a moderate conservative, say, "No freaking way." But whatever O'Donnell's (or any politician's for that matter) religious views are, have no bearing on whether or not they are fit for office.

Additionally in agreement with others who have posted, I found this article to be sophomoric, and a poor attempt at satire. If Petri wishes to write such satire, perhaps she should apply to write at The Onion, not a (supposedly) reputable paper such as The Post.

Posted by: tketner | September 21, 2010 3:11 PM | Report abuse

Alexandra, great job. It's funny. It's persuasive. It's an effective opinion piece.
Best of all, it pushes the buttons of all the loud-mouthed teabaggers who manage to domninate spaces like this one. You know you're on target when the responses include personal attacks against you.

To your critics: I no longer care what's the matter with you people.

Posted by: duachawana | September 21, 2010 4:09 PM | Report abuse

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