Chilean miner Edison Pena, take me to Graceland!
Edison Pena, can I be your loved one?
I've always wanted to visit Graceland! I hear it's a lovely place, and if we hit it off, we can have a wedding there at the Chapel in the Woods! The "Love Me Tender" package is a mere $950, due to a special promotional offer they have going on -- they'll even give you complimentary gold-rimmed Chapel in the Woods champagne flutes! That's not much legal tender for a whole lot of loving tender! Ba-zing! Graceland, you are free to use this.
Seriously, I love Elvis. When I was younger, I used to impersonate him, badly, because I was female (I still am, but I was then too, to paraphrase Mitch Hedberg) and I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do about all the thrusting. If you need proof, I will get my wig out of the closet and do my rendition of "Hound Dog." The last time I did it, the audience was so moved and overcome that they got up immediately and left, after shouting some indistinct things that I assume were compliments and giving me a lot of free vegetables that I wish had been slightly fresher, mostly by tossing them in my general direction.
So what I'm saying is, I am very free to come and visit Graceland with you, Edison Pena!
Don't worry, I would be totally able to relate to your experience in the mine. Once, I got wedged under my desk for several hours while trying to retrieve a pen. While there, to keep up everyone's spirits, I sang Elvis tunes until the other people in the office begged me to stop. So I know what you've been through.
And even beyond that, we have a lot in common! For instance, we are both homo sapiens! You spent weeks trapped underground. Once, I rode the D.C. metro, and when I got off, the escalator was broken, making it a lot harder for me to reach the surface! You had to contend with all the challenges of living in cramped spaces with 32 people. In college, I shared a single! You finally climbed up towards the light after being trapped for months under a giant rock. That's a great metaphor for all my past relationships!
But I think what would really bind us together is our shared love of the King. Elvis is great. He's like a straighter Liberace. He's had the staying power of Michael Jackson, but instead of getting creepier and whiter as he aged, he just got wider.
Seriously, Edison, I've never requested anything like this before. I don't intend to freeload. I just want to come along to see the King's place! I'm asking as one Elvis fan to another. I think you'd really enjoy it. I have been described as "a barrel" "of laughs."
No matter what happens, I promise it'll be more fun than spending 68 days trapped in a mine!
| October 13, 2010; 6:44 PM ET
Tags: Alexandra Petri
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