The fact that it's Columbus Day has reminded me how much I hated living with Christopher Columbus in college.
Me: Columbus, can you give me a ride to the airport?
Me: Why are you turning left? It's a few blocks away on the right.
Columbus: The Italians are going that way already. This is my secret route. We'll arrive in thirty to sixty days.
Me: Columbus, I really don't think this is the airport. This is a field.
Columbus: Then it must be India.
Me: You think everything is India.
Columbus: Look, I have found a parrot. If this were not India, would there be parrots?
Me: You brought that parrot with you.
Columbus: No, I didn't.
Me: Yes, you did.
Columbus: Fine. Is it a crime that I love parrots?
Me: Now we're stranded, and I've missed my flight. Again.
Columbus: That's okay. Where were you going? Let's drive the opposite way.
Columbus: I have a GPS, but it always underestimates the distance involved because it is based on the Ptolemaic model.
Columbus: Get in the Pinto.
Me: Columbus, can you pass me the sugar?
Columbus: Sure. By reaching to this side of the table, I can eventually reach the sugar, which is on that side of the table.
Me: The table is flat. Why don't you reach across the normal way, Columbus?
Columbus: You just think the table is flat. Here. Here is the sugar.
Me: This isn't sugar. This is the cat.
Columbus: I have relabeled the cat Sugar. I believe it to be sugar. Like sugar, it is something that I found on the table, and you can put it on your food. I think this is perfectly adequate.
Columbus: Not convinced? Here is gold.
Columbus: This gold was in the sugar when I found it. Surely this must be the sugar.
Me: Columbus, that's my sweater!
Columbus: No, I claimed that sweater for Spain.
Me: You can't just waltz in here and take my stuff.
Columbus: I'm not taking it. I'm discovering it.
Me: Whatever. I'll go sit on the couch.
Columbus: You can't use that couch any more. I named it Queen Couch The Second Of Spain. It belongs to Spain.
Me: That couch has been in my family for centuries!
Columbus: Sorry, I discovered it! Also, I have a gun.
Columbus: It is like a spear, but it spits fire.
Me: I know what a gun is! Columbus, this is my stuff! This is armed robbery!
Columbus: I also have a horse!
Me: How did you get a horse here? We're on the third floor!
Columbus: I brought the horse that you might fear me.
Me: I'm actually terrified.
Columbus: Also, here are some plague germs I found lying around. You can keep them.
| October 11, 2010; 10:30 AM ET
Tags: Alexandra Petri
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