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Columbus Day

The fact that it's Columbus Day has reminded me how much I hated living with Christopher Columbus in college.

Me: Columbus, can you give me a ride to the airport?

Columbus: Sure.

Me: Why are you turning left? It's a few blocks away on the right.

Columbus: The Italians are going that way already. This is my secret route. We'll arrive in thirty to sixty days.


Me: Columbus, I really don't think this is the airport. This is a field.

Columbus: Then it must be India.

Me: You think everything is India.

Columbus: Look, I have found a parrot. If this were not India, would there be parrots?

Me: You brought that parrot with you.

Columbus: No, I didn't.

Me: Yes, you did.

Columbus: Fine. Is it a crime that I love parrots?

Me: Now we're stranded, and I've missed my flight. Again.

Columbus: That's okay. Where were you going? Let's drive the opposite way.

Me: ...

Columbus: I have a GPS, but it always underestimates the distance involved because it is based on the Ptolemaic model.

Me: Columbus!

Columbus: Get in the Pinto.


Me: Columbus, can you pass me the sugar?

Columbus: Sure. By reaching to this side of the table, I can eventually reach the sugar, which is on that side of the table.

Me: The table is flat. Why don't you reach across the normal way, Columbus?

Columbus: You just think the table is flat. Here. Here is the sugar.

Me: This isn't sugar. This is the cat.

Columbus: I have relabeled the cat Sugar. I believe it to be sugar. Like sugar, it is something that I found on the table, and you can put it on your food. I think this is perfectly adequate.

Me: ...

Columbus: Not convinced? Here is gold.

Me: What?

Columbus: This gold was in the sugar when I found it. Surely this must be the sugar.


Me: Columbus, that's my sweater!

Columbus: No, I claimed that sweater for Spain.

Me: You can't just waltz in here and take my stuff.

Columbus: I'm not taking it. I'm discovering it.

Me: Whatever. I'll go sit on the couch.

Columbus: You can't use that couch any more. I named it Queen Couch The Second Of Spain. It belongs to Spain.

Me: That couch has been in my family for centuries!

Columbus: Sorry, I discovered it! Also, I have a gun.

Me: What?

Columbus: It is like a spear, but it spits fire.

Me: I know what a gun is! Columbus, this is my stuff! This is armed robbery!

Columbus: I also have a horse!

Me: How did you get a horse here? We're on the third floor!

Columbus: I brought the horse that you might fear me.

Me: I'm actually terrified.

Columbus: Also, here are some plague germs I found lying around. You can keep them.

By Alexandra Petri  | October 11, 2010; 10:30 AM ET
Tags:  Alexandra Petri  
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you are so brilliant. your column is always one of the best parts of my day. thank you alex!!

Posted by: imanamerican | October 11, 2010 12:02 PM | Report abuse

Columbus was lost, and never set foot on the continent. How can you "discover" something you never saw? Of course, those folks already living here may have a problem with all of this.

Posted by: jckdoors | October 11, 2010 12:33 PM | Report abuse

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