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Replace Christine O'Donnell with Cigar Guy

"I'm not a witch. I'm nothing you've heard. I'm you. None of us are perfect, but none of us can be happy with what we see all around us. Politicians who think spending, trading favors and back-room deals are the ways to stay in office. I'll go to Washington and do what you'd do." -- Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell

You're me?

That's terrible!

I wouldn't elect me to Congress, unless I had, say, magical powers, and you just ruled out that possibility.

True, none of us are perfect -- and this certainly applies to Congress -- but one of the things that allows me to sleep at night is the fact that most of our elected officials aren't me, either. Minority Leader John Boehner, for instance, is several shades more orange.

Christine O'Donnell wants to go to Washington and do what I'd do? Does she realize what a terrible idea this is? I know very little about bending the curve. If I went to Washington tomorrow, my first move would be to repeal the Nineteenth Amendment because I got confused and thought it was Prohibition. My next move would be to try to pass a law banning bad things from happening. I would figure it was worth a try.

This isn't what I want my elected officials doing! When I do things like that, it's fine. I always store my money in my freezer, and I always tap my foot on the floor of the men's room, just to see if someone will answer. But, somehow, I've always held my elected representatives to a different standard. Sending someone to Congress who is just going to do what I would do? Come on! They're supposed to be better than that.

If she wants to be us, she should keep in mind that most of us are idiots! One in 5 Americans think our president is a Muslim, and a third of us believe in ghosts and UFOs -- incidentally, that's more than have confidence in Sarah Palin as president. The first thing she'll have to do is pass a law banning ghosts without birth certificates from being elected to office. I think Newt Gingrich recommended something like that recently.

We don't want someone who is us. We want someone better than that.

There's only one way to fix this: replace Christine O'Donnell with Cigar Guy.

Cigar Guy is me. He's you too. But better.

An ad that began, "I'm not a witch. I'm Cigar Guy" would overwhelm me with paroxysms of joy. Cigar Guy is me. He's all of us! But not as we are. As we dream of being. He's epic. He understands his place in the universe, and he revels in it. He's not Tiger Woods. He's just there. He's got a cigar. And he's enjoying himself. He understands where we come from. He's rewriting history in the best possible way. If we elected him to Congress, he wouldn't engage in backroom deals or favor-trading, unless those favors were something he could trade for more cigars.

I respect that.

So maybe there's hope. "I'm you," Christine O'Donnell says. If that's true, then that includes Cigar Guy, too. I suggest we vote for him instead.

By Alexandra Petri  | October 6, 2010; 2:55 PM ET
Tags:  Alexandra Petri  
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Comments

Thank you - this was a fun read. Unfortunately a large group of people votes for president by who they'd like to have a beer with and not who they suspect could do the job well, so the "I'm you" campaign phrase might actually work on them. (sad, but true!)

Posted by: sarahabc | October 6, 2010 4:57 PM | Report abuse

The left-wing people always think that they are more educated and intelligent that the right-wing people, when the left people make mistake is always funny or have a justification for that, when the right people make mistake their stupid, idiot and everything else and if the left are so good why they has problem to win elections, and the right has just one network suppose Fox News the left has all (MSNBC, CNN, CBS, ABC ....) and they always are whinning for the stuff that Fox said , I'm not get it something wrong with that.

Posted by: josetuero | October 6, 2010 5:23 PM | Report abuse

Also you will replace with the Idiot Guy. First Sara Palin now O'Donnell when a woman is conservative everybody go for her and look for the more minimal aspect of her life, what are all this, look to all democrats that make a ton of mistakes and don't know how to create a single job in the first place.

Posted by: josetuero | October 6, 2010 5:27 PM | Report abuse

If you're me, then you're in favor of free sex.

Posted by: angelos_peter | October 6, 2010 6:12 PM | Report abuse

You know ... I hate to admit it ... but I have a weakness for elegant women ... and this ad makes Christine O'Donell look very attractive ... please don't hate me for having testosterone ... I imagine the media and the debates will take care of bringing out the skeletons ... witches, living off campaign contributions, etc. ... but she must have some smart people runnning her campaign ... first they are keeping her away from the media ala Paline to minimize any self-inflicted damage ... i.e., keep her mouth shut ... and now they are making her look sexy ... playing off her looks ... I still think she is going to lose ... unless Delaware is full of horny people like me ... but that would let Johnson do the voting for them ...

Posted by: goCubs | October 6, 2010 6:30 PM | Report abuse

I'd vote for Murphy, from Murphy's Law. (and a free pack of band aids for all).

Posted by: deepthroat21 | October 6, 2010 6:33 PM | Report abuse

Thanks so much for the cigar imagery. Reminds me of another cigar guy.....William Jefferson Clinton. In 1996 while a 27 year old Christine O'Donnell was embracing sexual virtue (how embarrassing!) our 50 year old dirty old man president Bill "Cigar Guy" Clinton was having his way with a 22 year Monica Lewinsky. Left wing depravity at it's best!

Posted by: joet1948 | October 6, 2010 6:34 PM | Report abuse

"The left-wing people always think that they are more educated and intelligent that the right-wing people, when the left people make mistake is always funny or have a justification for that, when the right people make mistake their stupid, idiot and everything else and if the left are so good why they has problem to win elections, and the right has just one network suppose Fox News the left has all (MSNBC, CNN, CBS, ABC ....) and they always are whinning for the stuff that Fox said , I'm not get it something wrong with that.

Posted by: josetuero "

I don't know that we're necessarily smarter, but we DO have better grammar!

Care to try it again Jose?

Posted by: thrh | October 6, 2010 9:20 PM | Report abuse

Sometimes a cigar guy is just a cigar guy.
Don't think you current elected official are paying any attention to what you want them doing in Washington.

Posted by: georgegarrett | October 6, 2010 9:33 PM | Report abuse

Befrugal.com offers $1000 Reward for Cigar Guy's identity.

http://www.befrugal.com/blog/contests/1000-reward-for-cigar-guys-identity/

Does not look like anybody is offering a similar reward for Christine O Donnell!

Posted by: jon29 | October 6, 2010 9:34 PM | Report abuse

Any conservative woman who runs for office should expect to be stoned to death by the mainstream media. We've seen it time after time.

The only thing we can do about it is what we're doing right now--abandoning them in droves.

The left's destruction to this country is what we will continue to focus on.

See you at the polls.

Posted by: robtay12003 | October 6, 2010 10:05 PM | Report abuse

It would be nice to think an elected Senator has the IQ greater than my shoe (O'Donnell does not but my shoe is concerned and is working on knowing all the letters in the alphabet and not basing all its decisions on the bible).

If Delaware elects O'Donnell then the country is doomed and overrun by morons.

The independents of this country have to stop this madness.

Posted by: dkeller1 | October 6, 2010 10:06 PM | Report abuse

She will win, incidentally.
We're onto you.
Your flame-thrower tactics against Republican women may have worked 10 years ago, but no more.
See you at the polls, my little pretties.

Posted by: robtay12003 | October 6, 2010 10:10 PM | Report abuse

If I were a lefty I'd avoid all things "Cigar."
Their vapid attempt at humor is about as effective as their attempts at governing.
I almost feel sorry for them.
They are clueless, they are toast.
God bless America.

Posted by: robtay12003 | October 6, 2010 10:17 PM | Report abuse

What a chaste woman this o'donnell is. Unmarried she has never had intercourse or played with herself. But does that make her qualified for congress. Perhaps it does if you are a rethuglican.

Posted by: letemhaveit | October 7, 2010 8:49 AM | Report abuse

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