'American Idol' Personality Disorder
Talked with Fox reality guru Mike Darnell this afternoon about "Idol's" opening night numbers (show's best ever, more than 37 million viewers) and he promised Seattle would be the best worst-auditions town ever.
He did not disappoint. Auditioners weren't just bad, they were Star Trek convention weird. They all appeared to suffer from "American Idol" Personalty Disorder -- you know, talentless, self-assured and oblivious to the filleting they received at the hands of judges. They looked like subjects in a HonorÃ© Daumier caricature gallery.
Kenneth Briggs, who, Simon noted, looked exactly like a Bush Baby, became new BFF of gelatinous Jonathan Jayne. Alas, neither got through to Hollywood.
Hairdresser Eric Chapman actually knew what he was doing with scissors and a blow dryer, but was otherwise clueless. After judges gave him the hook he announced "I have to do something for you. I'm going to fix your hair," pulled a jar of gel from his pocket, and headed toward Simon's scalp, at which point beefy security guards took over.
Jennifer "The Hotness" tried to sing with gum in her mouth. She too got the hook, after which she announced she'd been too hot for Simon, who, she said, "listens to that back country Englishman's sheep stuff, so I really don't care."
Another woman, who called herself something like Darwin Mischa, came with her mom; they looked like a Far Side family and had a Zoloft calm about them.
The weirdness eventually rubbed off on the judges. Simon at one point decided to call Randy and Paula "Squidly and Diddly" and began obsessively saying, "I'm not being rude but..."; he later gave the camera the finger which Fox covered over with a little Union Jack. Later Randy and Paula growled in unison at Simon for no particular reason.
"Welcome to the talent vacuum that is Seattle," show host Ryan Seacrest said, summing things up nicely.
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