...And Then There Were 20
Four contestants are going to get the hook on "American Idol" and sadly, not all can be guys. "American Idol" has rules about these things, because if you have, say eight women and just four men compete for the top prize, guys won't watch -- or is it chicks who won't watch?
Show host Ryan Seacrest is dressed like an undertaker. The guys are seated in rows on one side of the stage and the chicks seated in rows on the other side -- just like a middle-school dance.
Judge Randy Jackson says that after watching the guys and the chicks compete on separate nights this week, the competition is the girl's to lose. Judge Simon Cowell says there are just two or three guys in the competition with potential. Paula says the guys have "only this way to go" - pointing up.
And yet, we will wind up with six of each in the final 12.
Ryan tells us Diana Ross, Jon Bon Jovi, J.Lo, Gwen Stefani, Tony Bennett, Lulu, Martina McBride, Barry Gibb and Peter Noone will appear on the show this season, only he says "Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits" like he thinks no one will know who Noone is otherwise - but they will know who Lulu is.
Wannabe idol Chris Sligh is given the opportunity to grovel before Simon for the comments he made during Tuesday's performance show, when Simon nicked his performance and Chris said he was sorry he wasn't as good as those singers Simon had produced for, boy group Il Divo and the Teletubbies.
"I have incredible respect for Simon," Slight simpered, "I love Simon."
"I like this guy," Simon responds.
We feel a little nauseous.
The feeling passes.
Ryan the Undertaker brings half the guys on stage and, one by one, tortures them and then tells them they're through and they can sit down. The last one, Paul Kim, the barefoot guy, Ryan says is going home. Kim sings and then he's gone.
Next Ryan summons half the chicks, tortures them, tells them to sit down, until they're all back in their seats. So he asks Amy Krebs to stand up and he whacks her. She sings and is gone.
Ryan announces the "American Idol" challenge in which, if you can answer some question about "Idol" you will win $10,000 and a trip to Hollywood for next week's "Idol." It's really tacky -- do you have any idea how hard it is to make something stand out as tackier than everything else going on in an episode of "American Idol"? These producers are geniuses -- we're so happy they're going to produce this year's Primetime Emmy Awards.
Out comes Fantasia Barrino, who won the competition in the third season. She's going to star on Broadway in "The Color Purple," Ryan says. Quincy Jones, who is involved in the Broadway production, or with Fantasia, or something, is sitting there; Ryan asks him if Fantasia is ready to star in "The Color Purple."
"Absolutely -- 'The Color Purple' is about...."
Ryan cuts him off, then Fantasia starts to sing. This season's contestant Lakisha Jones is better than she is.
Ryan then does the torture routine with the other half of the girls and whacks Nicole Tranquillo. She says she has a lot of fun, and then sings while Paula does her Crazy Dance.
Ryan brings out the as-yet-untortured guys, messes with them, sends them back. Except Sanjaya Malakar and Rudy Cardenas. Ryan tells Sanjaya he's in the top 4, then he tells Rudy he's out.
Simon is asked about Rudy; he notes you can't turn an okay singer into a great singer. He should know - he's worked with Teletubbies.
Rudy says in a clip that if he gets booted he'll be crushed. But life is full of disappointments -- just ask the gang from "The OC." They're up next.
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