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"Idol" Results Show: Time Flies When You're Being Had

ANATOMY OF AN "AMERICAN IDOL" RESULTS SHOW

9 P.M.: Host Ryan Seacrest does intros and recap of previous night's performances.

9:04: This week's guest "mentor" Peter Noone sings one of his old tunes. Notice how not one of the Idolettes, sitting at the side of the stage, sings along, because they've never heard this song before.

9:07: Cut to commercials for:
Ford
Cingular
"Happy Feet" DVD
Orbit gum
JC Penney
Chilis
New Fox reality series "On the Lot"
Fox series "Wedding Bells"

9:11: Cut to Ford ad masquerading as lame music video using the Idolettes as props.

9:12: Cut to ad for Fox series "Til Death" masquerading as Brad Garrett mugging it up on stage while using Idolettes as a prop.

9:13: Garrett leaves stage. "How are we going to fit this show in?" Seacrest wonders. Seacrest has Idolettes stand up at their seats in threes. Each group is announced as safe. Notice how no one ever hugs Sanjaya Malakar when he's announced as safe each week. Only two are left: Stephanie Edwards and Chris Richardson. Seacrest says they received the least votes from viewers this week.

9:16: Cut to commercials for:
Sears
Verizon
AmericanIdol.com
Mercedes Benz
Jack in the Box fast food restaurants
T-mobile
Six Flags
Local news
Fox series "Til Death"
Fox series "Smarter Than a Fifth Grader"

9:20: Cut to ad for previous "Idol" winner Fantasia Barrino starring in Broadway production of "The Color Purple" masquerading as "challenge" contest in which viewers can win -- get this -- a backstage pass to the shooting of one of those Ford ads masquerading as a lame music video using the Idolettes as props, among other things.

9:21: Cut to ad for "Idol's" upcoming charity episodes masquerading as a "pitch" from Seacrest to "corporate America" to e-mail "Idol" if they want to be part of "this great night.."

9:22: This week's guest "mentor" Lulu sings one of her old tunes. Notice how not one of the Idolettes sings along, because they've never heard this song.

9:25: Cut to commercials for:
Coca-cola
The flick "Blades of Glory"
Dreyer's slow Churned Ice Cream
Circuit City
The flick "Pride"
New Fox series "Drive"
Fox series "Til Death"

9:28: Stephanie and Chris are standing on stage holding hands. Seacrest rushes through the "you sang" blah, blah and tells Stephanie she's out. "Stephanie Edwards, take a look at your journey." Seacrest says. Journey tape runs. Stephanie does not get to sing one last time in front of national audience.

The End.

Total time: 30 minutes.
Total commercial time: 15 minutes.
Total judges' time: 2 seconds.
Total Idolette time: 5 minutes.
Total "mentor" singing time: 6 minutes.

You tell me -- is this a "show"?

Editor's note: For more on last night's results show and "Idol's" plans for next week, read Lisa's TV column.

By Lisa de Moraes  |  March 22, 2007; 8:22 AM ET
 
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Comments

Lulu did look pretty hot though.

Posted by: stanley, DC | March 22, 2007 8:26 AM | Report abuse

And Sanjayahamaya is still around...

...so all in all a good night.

Posted by: Justin | March 22, 2007 8:44 AM | Report abuse

I was trying to explain to my kids that, despite having been born in the '60s, I myself was only vaguely aware of Peter Noone and had no idea who Lulu was. I wonder if there will soon be a "mentor" whose songs were originally sung at some point since any of the Idolettes were born???

Posted by: Meg in PA | March 22, 2007 8:45 AM | Report abuse

In this neck of the woods, Dryer's is known as Edy's! Now we know you're writing these blogs from some secret bunker, or, um, Callyfornia.

Posted by: jw | March 22, 2007 8:45 AM | Report abuse

"You tell me -- is this a "show"?"

BWAH! America...you got served.

Posted by: 23112 | March 22, 2007 8:46 AM | Report abuse

I'm suprised there's no mention of the laser-death-stare Chris Sligh shot at Sanjaya right after it was announced he was safe. Idol Drama!

Posted by: jw | March 22, 2007 8:47 AM | Report abuse

Ooooh, JW, missed the laser-death-stare. But really, people who live in glass houses should not throw laser stares. :)

This is SO not a show anymore, but I'm glad Sunjaya is still around (next week, I think I'd like to see his hair straight again.) I'm all about the hair.

Posted by: tyeinmd | March 22, 2007 8:57 AM | Report abuse

I don't remember Lulu's voice being so raspy. I'm going to guess she started smoking after the movie.

Can't believe we lost Stephanie and are stuck with Sanjaya and Hotpants Hailey.

Posted by: NoVA | March 22, 2007 9:51 AM | Report abuse

"Dryer's is known as Edy's"

I always thought Dryer's was Breyer's...

Posted by: to jw | March 22, 2007 9:51 AM | Report abuse

Why is Sunjaya so much fun to watch? He cannot sing or perform and really is an embarassment to the Idol establishment. America, this is not a joke--- we are playing with other people's lives and dreams. How would you appreciate it if you actually had talent but were kept from succeeding because a group of people think it is more fun to watch someone make a fool out of himself week after week. I guess, I shouldn't be surprised since this is the same country that "re"-elected our current president despite his inability to finish a sentence coherently and his complete disregard for the basic rights that make this country a democracy.

Wake up America and send Sunjaya packing!!! Let's watch the real talents battle it out and let's preserve American Idol as a "talent" competition.

Posted by: D | March 22, 2007 9:59 AM | Report abuse

Are you serious? NO mention of the fact that Peter Noone (No one?) was lip syncing, poorly, to his song? And even that sounded terrible!

Husssssssssssh.

Posted by: ExCap | March 22, 2007 10:03 AM | Report abuse

I heard once that back in the day, there was a low the limited the amount of commercial time a broadcast channel had per hour.

Now we have tivo to replicate the law.

Why would anyone sit through 15 minutes of commercials for what boils down to 1 min of show (the result). The result show is the reason i gave up on Idol years ago. I felt dirty, cheap and used after ever results show.

Posted by: Bob M | March 22, 2007 10:04 AM | Report abuse

Interesting time breakdown. No wonder it feels like constant commercials. I guess I will let you watch so I don't have to.

Posted by: Kirsten | March 22, 2007 10:05 AM | Report abuse

Thank you, thank you, for saving 1/2 hour of my life. I was home, and had a choice between watching the results show live, or watching my DVR recording of America's Top Model. I chose the latter, and flipped over to see if I was missing anything - every time I did, it was either ads, or horrible singing of songs I WAS familiar with. Then later I skipped to the end of the DVR recording of the results show to see who lost. So Thank You for your summary, because now I don't have to waste time fast-forwarding through 25 minutes of filler.

Posted by: Peggy | March 22, 2007 10:07 AM | Report abuse

I am not suprised that Haley and Sanjaya are still around. Haley provides "eye candy" and Sanjaya provides comic relief.

Posted by: KE | March 22, 2007 10:08 AM | Report abuse

D, chill. There are only 4 or maybe 5 people with any actual talent on the show, so there's still plenty of room for Sanjaya and Haley.

Posted by: Steve M | March 22, 2007 10:09 AM | Report abuse

No, Dryer's IS NOT Breyer's. Its like Hellmann's mayo is Best Food's mayo in the West. Edy's IS Dreyer's. And now back to your AI programming...

Posted by: MB | March 22, 2007 10:22 AM | Report abuse

I really like how they forgot to close the italic tag at the end of this article, so everything else on the rest of the page is in italics!

Where is the editor?

Posted by: hjh | March 22, 2007 10:23 AM | Report abuse

Lulu did look pretty hot though.
Posted by: stanley, DC | March 22, 2007 08:26 AM

She's 59 years old dude! If anything her appearance was just one more commercial, this one for the cosmetic surgery industry. Her raspy voice sounded like a smokers voice. Too bad, she really had a great voice 40 years ago. One more reason to never smoke ... anything.

I agree it wasn't a show, it was one greedy grab at commercial money.

Posted by: Sully | March 22, 2007 10:25 AM | Report abuse

Thank you for watching so we don't have to.

The show is not what it once was. (As is television as a whole...I miss M*A*S*H and Taxi and MTM and..and...and...)

LOVE you're "column" though. I can still chat at the water-cooler as if I know what I'm taking about..and all the kids think I'm cool....when really I've turned into a major dork. (42 y/o male)

Posted by: much thanks | March 22, 2007 10:26 AM | Report abuse

Time for Brad Garrett (thought maybe he had a CD or another new show coming out) but no time for Reactions From The Judges? I love those awkward Seacrest "Simon, Paula, Randy...are these the right bottom ___?"

Posted by: Domokun | March 22, 2007 10:28 AM | Report abuse

I am sorry Stephanie was knocked out of the competition. While I wasn't impressed by the way she sang her song on Tuesday night, she's still way better than at least two or three of those left.

Posted by: Milwaukee | March 22, 2007 10:36 AM | Report abuse

Uh...I hate to burst DeMoraes' bubble, but the numbers don't add up. You accounted for a total time of 26 minutes and two seconds in your article, not 30 minutes. This begs the question of course. Where is the missing 3 minutes and 58 seconds? Did they cut to that 12 year old sobbing frantically for 3 minutes?

Posted by: Shelley | March 22, 2007 10:41 AM | Report abuse

It was sad to see Lulu alter and kind of butcher a wonderful song she made famous decades ago.
If you want to hear the original, it is in a clip on youtube.com from the movie. Lulu is the tiny redhead.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=7aSFoY3W3NM

There doesn't seem to be any real comment here on Stephanie's ouster. I guess she wasn't different enough.

Posted by: Leila | March 22, 2007 10:41 AM | Report abuse

does anyone have any thoughts or insights as to why Stephanie didn't get to sing a final song? last week Brandon got cut off after about 3 seconds...I wonder if there just isn't time (commercials being more important, of course) or if the producers decided that it's really kinda cruel to make them sing when they're so disappointed.

Posted by: Sophie's Mom | March 22, 2007 10:49 AM | Report abuse

Stephanie Edwards should still be on that show! This is a singing show. Her voice is much better than three Idols. I counted four women who had voices that put them in the finals... Plus she was bum rushed off the show! Where was her SINGING???? Wow can't wait until I hear what she has to say. I just know just like those who voted for her... This show is becoming a joke! Maybe they should have the judges stop some talent getting voted off. This is not (Star Search.

Posted by: QuietStormX | March 22, 2007 11:02 AM | Report abuse

Friends don't let friends watch the Idol results show without a DVR.

Posted by: Ezwryder | March 22, 2007 11:04 AM | Report abuse

Of course its not a show! Get a DVR - we watch the 30 minutes elim shows in about 5 minutes...The two hour shows take far less. We just start watching it about 30 minutes late and skip all the commercials and nonsense. I CAN"T imagine watching AI as its being broadcast!

Posted by: kholl | March 22, 2007 11:05 AM | Report abuse

Face it, Sanjaya is going to win, AI is going to be forced to give him a recording contract and we will be forced to listen to him whether we want to or not. I do not watch the show, but I did see a clip of his performance on the news (I live in St. Louis so this is big news, well except for Tony LaRussa arrested for DUI, but thats another blog), he was just shouting through the song. Don't get me wrong I love singers with non-traditional voices, Billie Holiday, Nina Simone, but this guy?...I just don't get it.

Posted by: dym | March 22, 2007 11:07 AM | Report abuse

OK, first of all--who hasn't heard "There's a Kind of Hush" or "To Sir With Love"? I am only 29 and I know the words to all those songs...I guess my radio dial isn't just stuck on HOT 99.5. And Lulu actually looked and sounded better than, oh DIANA ROSS. Forty years after the songs were released you can still hear Herman's Hermits and Lulu on the radio...do you think the same will be said for whoever wins this year's AI? Cut the mentors some slack.

As for Stephanie getting booted, while I think Sanjaya clearly needs to take his hair, his creepy, disgusting, make-me-want-to-vomit-every-time-he-sticks-it-out tongue, and his no-talent self back to his "should have been me in the top 12" sister, Stephanie was not as great as everyone thought. She was constantly out of tune--and she got called on it every time. Just because she has a big voice doesn't mean it is GOOD. And her "oh my gosh, I can't believe she said that, I was so honored and surprised!" reaction to Lulu saying she sounded like Beyonce was such a load of horse puckey--Stephanie had said in several of the earlier rounds that she is always being compared to Beyonce (who, in my own humble opinion also falls into the "just because a voice is big, doesn't mean a voice is good" category). I don't get that Chris R. was in the bottom 2 though--that didn't seem right. Maybe he should try hot pants and double sided tape next week, too.

Oh, and Crying Girl was freaky. She made my roommate and I cringe.

Posted by: Reality check | March 22, 2007 11:21 AM | Report abuse

In response to Reality Check, I've never heard of either of those songs, or either of those people for that matter, and I listen to a reasonable amount of older music. They definitely could have picked more relatable people to be the mentors. I think Diana Ross, though dated, was a much better choice as an icon of music.

Posted by: Sherry | March 22, 2007 11:27 AM | Report abuse

Dreyer's and Jack in the Box. Last time I had Dreyer's was at their corporate party in California, I really wish we had a Jack in the Box here. Oooooh, I miss those tacos, sourdough Jacks, and...THE ANTENNA BALLS!!!

Posted by: Commercials | March 22, 2007 11:28 AM | Report abuse

Stephanie's exit was no shock; both my son and I predicted she'd be the one to go this time. Seemed like sort of a 5th wheel, brought nothing particularly new or original, and she really wasn't all that great. Too bad she didn't get to sing a last song though. Those are poignant, emotional, and fun to watch. Maybe the results show should be an hour long so we could still have one amidst the commercials.

The top Idolettes gotta have a unique niche to stay: the dancing Blakiser, pretty sexy Haley, Jordin the talented ingenue, and All-Around Wonderful Melinda. Sounds like a plausible Final Four to me.

Lakisha is too duplicative of Melinda. Stephanie was her shield so now she's vulnerable. I won't be surprised if she goes in 3-4 weeks.

Gina Glockson, your no Chris Dauhtry (or Bo Bice, for that matter)!

Holy Toledo! Haley Scarnato!

Posted by: Christin | March 22, 2007 11:28 AM | Report abuse

"d's" email is right on in every respect. the show stunk. and that kid is just horrible. it's meanness to keep him on and nothing else.

Posted by: frieda406 | March 22, 2007 11:28 AM | Report abuse

All you haters who bust on Sanjaya need to get over it! This is NOT a contest to be the best singer, it is a contest to get the most VOTES, and Sanjaya clearly taps into the demographic that loves to make telephone calls to vote on who should stay on silly "reality" talent contests. Sanjaya is smart enough to have figured this out, and now he is having fun. I hope he wins, and that this show finally gets moved to Nickelodeon where it belongs so that the big four can get back to having real programming on Wed. night (please God move "Lost" back to 9pm)

Posted by: Idolator | March 22, 2007 11:32 AM | Report abuse

Thank goodness for TiVo.

Posted by: Dave | March 22, 2007 11:36 AM | Report abuse

I DJ for various functions around and stopped playing Herman's Hermits about 7 years ago because it's fallen out of the mainstream. I'm 29 and can identify pretty much EVERY song on the show as it's being played, but Lulu, a mentor? What, was the rest of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame not available? Peter Noone does have a lot of good stuff out there, "I'm Into Something Good" is a good, upbeat, feel happy song, if you can find the right version and with last night's "show", that would've been a better choice.

I've heard Diana Ross recently (and stayed in the same hotel as she a while back) and she knows the limits of her voice now. John Sebastian ("Welcome Back" and member of the Lovin' Spoonful) is in the same boat. Not quite what his voice used to be, but still nails the songs to the best of his ability. That is what these "mentors" should be teaching because I'm hearing a lot of people who don't know the limits of their voice and they are just bad.

As for this season of Idol, I've written it off. Nothing like Carrie/Bo, Ruben/Clay, Kelly/Justin or Fantasia. Not even close and there isn't much talent there. I can't sing, but that doesn't mean I can't tell you when someone else can't.

Posted by: Jarrod, A DJ | March 22, 2007 11:41 AM | Report abuse

Tivo makes it all okay.

Posted by: Justin | March 22, 2007 11:59 AM | Report abuse

Don and Mike call Sanjaya "Sangina."

As a Kinks fan is it ok for me to wish this kid would lose his voice permanently?

Posted by: check it out | March 22, 2007 12:14 PM | Report abuse

Does anyone besides me think Melinda (while a great vocalist) looks like one of those little troll dolls people used to put on the eraser end of their pencils?

Posted by: Arsene | March 22, 2007 12:22 PM | Report abuse

The Dreyer family opened an ice cream parlor on College Avenue in north Oakland, California, sometime in maybe the 1920s or '30s? One of the brothers split off and opened his own ice cream parlor in Berkeley on the SE corner of Shattuck Avenue (main drag) and Allston Way, back when it Allston ran all the way up to the UC campus. Edy's closed sometime in the 1990s, though Dreyer's is still in business at its longtime location in Oakland. But they're all part of the same family. Assume there's some legal reason for using different brand names in different parts of the country, but am not privy to what it is. But it's all good ice cream :-))))

Posted by: Native Californian | March 22, 2007 12:22 PM | Report abuse

I'm 27, and am familiar with both of those songs (as well as all the ones sung last night); I used to love listening to the oldies station. However, the city I'm living in now, despite being fairly large, hasn't got an oldies station, and hasn't had one for at least seven years. So I guess I can see how teens and younger 20-somethings who live here, anyway, wouldn't be familiar with a lot of them. (Which is a shame, in my opinion.)

Posted by: Sara | March 22, 2007 12:24 PM | Report abuse

Praise the Lord for the almightly TIVO!

This show is completely unwatchable without it.

I weep for you poor souls forced to watch this rubbish.

Posted by: John Wayne Gacy | March 22, 2007 12:28 PM | Report abuse

Ms. deMoraes:

This is BRILLIANT! A timeline of what passes for TV these days. I had no idea there were THAT many ads running on TV now. How "Idol" manages to keep 33 million people hanging on is beyond me.

I'm just glad I'm not one of them.

Cheers,
Charles

Posted by: Charles | March 22, 2007 12:34 PM | Report abuse

I'm 24 and knew both the songs sang by the mentors. I'll qualify that with no I couldn't have sang along and no I couldn't have named the group or the song title. But, at least, I was familiar with both.

Posted by: Joe | March 22, 2007 1:24 PM | Report abuse

Who needs tivo? You can watch the five seconds in which the newfound loser is announced every Thursday morning on "Today," NBC's morning news show. I waste no time even considering watching the elimination shows. They're pointless. And Stephanie should definitely still be on there. Phil is the one who should be gone. Two other coworkers and myself picked him to be eliminated next. He's corny and he sucks. Sanjaya was even better than him this past Tuesday. The bottom two did not make any sense this week. Not at all.

Posted by: dcp | March 22, 2007 1:32 PM | Report abuse

Sanjaya must be stopped.

Posted by: Lisa1 | March 22, 2007 2:52 PM | Report abuse

Am I the only one who thinks Chris Richardson is a dead ringer for Kirsten Dunst?

Posted by: goldgirl | March 22, 2007 3:10 PM | Report abuse

Who needs TIVO? I wouldn't dream of watching ad-heavy Idol live either, but I just use my ultra cheap VCR and then FF through ads or through (ahem) any unbearable performances.

Have people lost the ability to pre-program a VCR so they have to pay ridiculous TIVO prices? Not to mention the fact that with a VCR you can watch something else at the same time.

Posted by: Leila | March 22, 2007 3:21 PM | Report abuse

I simply miss the rockers...where's this season's Bo Bice, Chris Daughtry, etc.? Enough of the softies like Sanjaya and Chris Richardson.

Posted by: Bring rock back | March 22, 2007 3:23 PM | Report abuse

I was stunned that Gina, Sanjaya, and Haley weren't in the bottom three. I thought they were terrible this week. I think it was Gina's week to go. Stephanie has a good voice (but she wouldn't have won) and had a bad week and her singing was boring, but Gina or Haley was worse. Sanjaya actually was decent this week, but I wish the teeny-boppers who vote would actually listen to their voices because his singing is really not that good. Haley was spared because of her "hot pants."

I will have to watch the results show (at least the last 3 minutes) again just to see the laser-death stare!

Posted by: aj | March 22, 2007 3:32 PM | Report abuse

DVR saves my sanity! I think I'd have to give up watching Idol if I had to actually sit through all that dreck. Now if only the teeny-bopper voters would put down their phones and slowly back away, there might be less dreck for me to have to fast-forward through.

Yes, I know, it was far too much to hope for that Sanjaya would get the boot. But even know I knew that Sanjaya's departure was a mere pipe dream, I was still shocked by the bottom two. Frankly, I thought Phil Stacy would be there -- okay, Tobacco Road was probably his best performance to date, but still.... surely I'm not the only one who caught myself wistfully imagining Bo Bice singing that tune instead? Bo would have owned it with a confidence Phil just couldn't muster.

Posted by: Northern Girl | March 22, 2007 4:14 PM | Report abuse

If you watch the movie "To Sir With Love" all of the students (young toughs) smoked. This was back in the day when punks used curse words on occasion; and a butter knife was a potential weapon. I seem to remember a scene where Sidney Poitier snatches a cigarette from Lulu's mouth. She actually looks and sounds great at age 59!

Posted by: Margo | March 22, 2007 5:00 PM | Report abuse

Lulu was great this week, especially when contrasted with Diana Ross, who could barely walk and absolutely butchered her song.

Would like to think the producers have finally wised up, after all these years, and recognized it's simply cruel and unusual punishment to make the departing contestants re-sing the songs that got them elminated in the first place.

Was interesting to hear on MSNBC that the crying little girl was a plant by Fox, after she was discovered crying at an earlier dress rehearsal. They got her to stick around, sit in the front row, and try to recreate the female crying for acts like the Beatles and the Stones that actually occurred during the Brit Invasion.

Having this shill cry for Sanjaya was just so absurd, yet so AI.

To all those who didn't know the Lulu or Herman's Hermit songs: Put down the Aguilera CD. There's a reason people are still listening to those songs at home and on the radio, and no one is going to remember most of the current drivel five years from now.

There's a reason the icons they use are older. That's the last time songs made were actually MEMORABLE, and stood the test of time.

Posted by: filmex | March 22, 2007 5:58 PM | Report abuse

I thought Peter Noone was from the Monkeys or something, and had no clue who Lulu was. (Actually, I'm still not real clear on that.) I don't have a DVR, but can be pretty certain if I tune in at 9:29pm, I will only have to watch a minute of the show to find out what I want to know. Lisa, I believe I will also let you watch from now on, so I don't have to. Thanks, Pookie.

Posted by: Lori | March 22, 2007 6:21 PM | Report abuse

Dreyer's and Edy's Grand Ice Cream are exactly the same products but are marketed as different brand names on the east and west coasts. The two names are used to honor Dreyer's and Edy's founders - William Dreyer (an ice cream maker) and Joseph Edy (a confectioner).

Posted by: TheBuggles | March 23, 2007 10:01 AM | Report abuse

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