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My 'American Idol' Coronation Tune

Tonight, on the final performance night of "Idol," the producers perpetrated upon us the latest treacly "American Idol" Coronation Tune.

This year, the producers decided to open up the song selection to competition. And the best, the very best, of the bunch, was "This is My Now." Which, so far as we could tell from watching both Blake Lewis and Jordin Sparks take a whack at the song, went something like this:

There was a time
I packed my dreams away,
Living in a shell,
hiding from myself.
There was a time
When I was so afraid,
I thought I'd reached the end,
Baby that was then.
I am made of more
than my yesterdays
This is my now.
blah, blah, blah...

People, we deserve better than this. Heck, we can DO better than this. Here's my take on A Better American Idol Coronation Tune, one that truly honors the institution that is "American Idol":

This is my moment,
This is my time,
I am your Idol
I am also mine.
This is my moment,
I feel so strange,
Almost as high
As Barry Gibb's upper range.
It's all coming together
Like some wonderful movie,
Or the end of a new song
By that guy Jon Bon Jovi.
It's like riding that new Ford
that's quiet and fast.
Or drinking Coke Zero,
without getting gas.
I really appreciate
all those votes cast for me
And all the text charges
you rang up on Cingular/ATT.
I know that from here
My career will keep improvin'
More like Jennifer Hudson
Than Fantasia or Ruben.
With you on my side
Life's one big fiesta
Let's stay up and party
And not take Lunesta.

That's as far as I got before I began to weep like Jordin Sparks and could not go on. But if you think you can do better, please feel free....

Editor's note: For complete play-by-play of last night's "American Idol," read Lisa's latest TV column.

By Lisa de Moraes  |  May 23, 2007; 1:47 AM ET
Categories:  "American Idol"  
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Comments

Thanks for starting my day with a genuine belly laugh! I've never had to watch Idol, since you do it for me - and for that I am forever grateful.

Posted by: Karen | May 23, 2007 8:10 AM | Report abuse

Brilliant!

Posted by: Phil | May 23, 2007 8:57 AM | Report abuse

Clearly, you have missed your calling!

Posted by: Andrea | May 23, 2007 9:15 AM | Report abuse

Well played, Pookie, well played.

Posted by: LS | May 23, 2007 9:42 AM | Report abuse

I actually enjoyed that. Very good song...and funny too!!

One question though...in your column in the Post this morning you said AI now had "moribund ratings" but when I checked, in the chart directly next to your column, it still had the highest share of any other programs currently on. Are you comparing its ratings to previos AI ratings or to other shows now on? Just curious. Otherwise a funny, if not cynical column.

Posted by: HappyDad | May 23, 2007 9:52 AM | Report abuse

Very good song! It should be the new theme music.

Just an aside...can someone tell the contestants to stop using hand signals to indicate their numbers to call? We can't tell what you're doing, you look silly, and it in no way makes me remember what dial-in number you're associated with.

Posted by: Jen | May 23, 2007 10:13 AM | Report abuse

OOoh, it's Idol vs. Moraes remix...haaayyy.

I'd just like to see the addition of "I am after all, me" to round out this fabulous and appropriate retooling.

Posted by: Domokun | May 23, 2007 10:40 AM | Report abuse

Um, she's on broadway doing the Color Purple which is produced by Oprah and Quincy Jones. Considering that Q is a long time, highly respected producer I dare say her career is doing just fine.

On the other hand I think I saw Justin Guarini on a milk carton the other day.

Posted by: about Fantasia | May 23, 2007 10:49 AM | Report abuse

Nice song, much better than the original. Plus I think AI could get some advertising $$ from the companies, which will probably be more than the song nets in the market.

Also, you would think with the money AI makes they would be able to hire a sound technician that could adjust background sounds for the difference in singing types. Blakes backgrounds were WAY too loud.

Posted by: VA AI Watcher | May 23, 2007 11:01 AM | Report abuse

Pookie, that's the best song ever!

Hallmark called. They want to offer you a job writing greeting cards part time. :-)

Posted by: droptopstang | May 23, 2007 12:46 PM | Report abuse

you rule.

Posted by: frieda406 | May 23, 2007 1:27 PM | Report abuse

To "about Fantasia"

That backhand about Guarini isn't really fair. He was done in by a particularly vicious clause of the Season 1 AI contract. According to the AI contract from Season 1, no finalist could release solo projects before the winner's album came out. In addition, no finalist could accept professional offers until the winner debuted her album. In later seasons, they helped out the finalists with the AI tour, but in Season 1 they didn't have the tour and so Guarini had to sit on his hands for over a year before Clarkson debuted her album. He turned down an offer for a Broadway lead (the emcee in CABARET), a guest role on TV's FRIENDS, a major role in another TV show, Tommy Hilfilger modeling, recording the soundtrack for a movie, and several concerts. Kelly Clarkson took her own sweet time getting around to her album, then her career launched quickly. By the time Guarini could accept a contract and put out his album, not only was he competing against Clarkson, but AI Season 2 had finished and he was competing with Clarkson, Studdard and Aiken (who didn't have this clause in his contract).

A pretty raw deal that AI fixed in later years with the tour, but still, Guarini was shafted by the mega-machine that is AI. He's finally starting to make up ground but he's had to work his way up a lot after what AI did to him.

More complete info can be found on the Wikipedia entry for Guarini.

Posted by: DadWannaBe | May 23, 2007 2:04 PM | Report abuse

OH GOD....HE'S BACK

Posted by: st.louis | May 23, 2007 2:20 PM | Report abuse

it seems that pookie either has a problem with Fantasia or she is completely out of touch with the urban market. Throughout this season posters have pointed out the many things that Fantasia is doing(plays, new album, lifetime movie, bestselling book, grammy nominations) but Lisa still wants to paint ms.black american idol as a failure.
is pookie a racist??

Posted by: blackdemo | May 23, 2007 2:32 PM | Report abuse

I have never voted for an AI, but just to piss off Joe Nash I voted for Jordin 50 times.

Posted by: dym | May 23, 2007 2:33 PM | Report abuse

LOL

Posted by: Milwaukee | May 23, 2007 3:28 PM | Report abuse

why is everyone getting butthurt about fantasia-bashing?

not like she's ever gonna *read* it! haHA! get it? get it?!? whooooo!!

i suck.

Posted by: pack4life | May 23, 2007 8:49 PM | Report abuse

Omigoodness. Justin Guarini has the talent of a fake. Looks real. Sounds real at first instance. But no substance. No style. No umph. The only thing Justin would have been able to do if Kelly released her album sooner is make more money quickly on the 'B' list. He, just like Sanjaya, should never have gone as far as he did. He, just like Sanjaya, skated on his looks which didn't last long because cute is a dime a dozen in the entertainment biz.

Posted by: 4taz | May 23, 2007 10:42 PM | Report abuse

Pookie, it's been well over a week. Where's the blog?

Posted by: Dac | June 6, 2007 9:14 PM | Report abuse

The comments to this entry are closed.

 
 
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