'American Idol': Hail, the Virgin Queen
Just when you thought there was nothing new under the sun at "American Idol," along comes the Virgin Dance Captain of Knoxville Catholic High.
The Virgin Dance Captain, or, as she likes to call herself, "Amy Catherine, AC, whatev" Flynn, is the 16-year-old captain of the "dance team." Which appears to be the new name for "cheerleader."
"I'm the captain of my dance team and I'm a STARS [Students Teaching and Respecting Sexuality] panelist, so I preach about abstinence," Amy Catherine tells judges Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul during auditions in Charleston, S.C. -- but only after a clip in which we see Amy Catherine flinging her pompoms and waggling her virgin heinie with her team. She tells last night's viewers, "I really enjoy doing that because I know that I lead and, like, everyone respects me."
Randy, Paula and Simon are intrigued. Randy and Simon debate for a few minutes which of them needs the abstinence lecture more.
"I could give you a good speech if you'd like to hear it," Amy Catherine tells Simon helpfully.
"Okay," says Simon.
"Like, let's say that you're like, 'Oh, I really love my boyfriend' -- or girlfriend, whichever way, you know -- and you're like, 'Oh, I've been with them for so long I should have sex with them, like it's totally cool, we've been together for forever,' then you're like, 'If you're gonna marry them why can't you wait another five, six years,' and then you're like, 'Oh, then we're going to do it then,' and then you're like, 'We waited all that time and now it's, like, really special, like, we have such self-control,' " she explains.
"Amy, I think you're absolutely right. Yup, I'm going to try and live by that code," Simon replies.
"I like Simon a lot," Amy Catherine says, demonstrating why she leads and, like, everyone respects her.
Then she sings what she says is some Christina Aguilera tune; I think it's "Reflections," though it sounded more like something from a junior high production of "High School Musical 2." Amy Catherine sounds like some annoying girl singing in her bedroom in front of her mirror.
Paula pronounces one or two notes "so pure, innocent and beautiful."
"Yes!" Amy Catherine says, pointing her two thumbs up, like a Catholic school dance captain whose team just totally thumped the local public school dance team in dance team competition.
Simon says she sounded a little bit like an annoying girl singing in the bedroom.
"I think that's a bit much to say," Amy Catherine responds, severely but, and here's the point, while giving him some kind of come-hither pout in her very short skirt and very high heels.
"Thorry," Simon says, doing his best naughty-girl imitation.
"A lot of people are going to find you annoying, Amy," Simon tells Amy Catherine, demonstrating once again why he's the only judge worth listening to.
"No, they're not!" Randy barks, demonstrating once again why he's an idiot.
"No, they're not!" chimes in Paula.
But, in the end, Randy, Paula and Simon put Amy Catherine through to Hollywood. "One week in L.A. -- it will all change," Simon quips.
Sadly, "it" will not get a chance to change in Hollywood with Saving Himself Guy, who auditioned in Dallas on the first night of this "Idol" round. Remember him? He's the one whose not-too-overprotective dad had junior's heart of gold around the paternal neck to hand over to Miss Right only on Saving Himself's wedding day. Saving Himself Guy was a better singer than Virgin Dance Captain, but the judges found him creepy and did not send him through to Hollywood. Amy Catherine, on the other hand is, as Paula explained, "adorable."
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