'American Idol': Eight Chicks on Embarrassment
On "American Idol" it's the chicks' turn to tackle songs from the '80s -- a decade judge Paula Abdul is reminded was big for her. The age reference would make most women working in TV very insecure, but Paula's still sucking on whatever crazy juice she got into the previous night and prattles on merrily about all the great songs, the weird clothes and the pompom hairdos she takes credit for making popular.
Host Ryan Seacrest asks judge Simon Cowell who needs to step up tonight. "Everyone. No one's safe."
What follows is the worst night in "Idol" history.
Like the night before for the guys, the chicks were compelled to tape bits about the most embarrassing moment in their entire life -- not really.
Asia'H Epperson says that would be the time she was an extra on a movie that involved skating and she ran into something . . . .
Oh god, not another Whitney Houston song. How many times must we endure Idolettes flattening the same four Whitney tunes?
Judge Randy Jackson, however, is elated with Asia'H's Whitney Lite version of "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" because it allows him to remind us -- again -- he recorded with Whitney. It's hot, Randy says. Paula's eyes already are starting to roll around in her head, a sign of things to come. Simon calls it "second-rate Whitney." Asia'H deflects the insult, saying she's perfectly happy to be a second-rate Whitney. Way to reach for the stars, Asia'H!
Kady Malloy's most embarrassing moment ever was in ninth grade when her music teacher hated a song she sang during an audition and she tripped over the microphone cord. These chicks live large, don't they?
Last week was very intense and emotional for Kady because she was sure she was getting the hook. Having cheated Idol Death, Kady celebrates by singing "Who Wants to Live Forever." It would have been okay had she sung it like Queen, or even Britney, but she sings it like a robot. Again.
Randy observes Queen is really hard to sing. Paula says the tenderness and softness in Kady's voice is where the magic is. Simon still has issues with her "massive lack of personality" and general gloominess. Kady notes the song is sad. But even sad songs can be emotional, Simon shoots back. Simon wins that round.
Kady tells Seacrest she doesn't understand what Simon means in re "massive lack of personality." Seacrest asks Simon what it means. Simon refuses to elaborate. Seacrest says it's going to be a fun hour. He's wrong. He reads the number to call to vote for Kady and Kady winks at the audience.
Amanda Overmyer the Biker Nurse has abandoned her cast-of-"Cats" look this week to perform "Hate Myself for Loving You."
But only after telling us about the time she discovered she'd left the fireplace burning on the deck of her house, and the deck burned down, the side of the house was scorched and the swimming pool melted.
She's better than last week, though she can't stop staring at the floor. Randy says it's the Amanda they fell in love with. Paula says there are so many things she wants to say, starting with Amanda's beautiful face, and she likes her hair. Simon thought it was fantastic and then dares her to smile. Biker Nurse continues to look glum, even in the face of all this praise. My Post colleague Tamara Jones thinks it's because Amanda is coming to the realization she is not going to win this competition but is about to go far enough to be compelled to spend weeks and weeks on tour with the Virgin Nanny and all the other Idolettes, which is like waking up and discovering you've been adopted out to the Partridge Family. We agree.
Carly Smithson, still the best female singer by several laps, was most embarrassed when she got her leg stuck in a railing at a bar and the patrons laughed. She sings "I Drove All Night." Is this the worst crop of songs ever or what?
Randy says she just keeps hitting targets -- boom, boom, boom. Paula says there are not enough adjectives to describe Carly's singing and is reduced to seal clapping her approval. Simon thinks she is a million times better than the song and that she could sing the phone book.
Looking back, Kristy Lee Cook, the Horse Pawner, realizes that her seventh year, which she spent drinking water out of a bowl and walking around on her hands and knees, thinking she was a dog, with her pet rats on her back, was probably her most embarrassing time. It's gonna be hard for anyone to beat that, no matter how many seasons Fox squeezes out of "Idol."
Did you know "Faithfully" should not be done with a "country lilt"? Do now. Randy, however, liked it because it gives him the opportunity to remind us -- again -- he worked with Journey. Paula has started giving Simon a lap dance. But she still has time to tell Kristy she looks great and she, Paula, has nothing but positivity to say about Kristy. Simon liked the country "influence" but the problem is Kristy is forgettable. He's now nicked both hot interchangeable blondes for their lack of personality, which never used to bother him. Heck, two seasons ago, Simon would have said they were the whole "package." Simon clearly has had a bad experience with a pretty blonde.
Ramiele Malubay will never forget the humiliation of fifth grade when she rode her pink bike to this boy's house and dropped off her picture and then crossed the street to see if he'd look at it and he did, only he and his mother laughed at it. Tonight, she flings it back in Nasty Boy's teeth, singing on national television "Take a Look at Me Now."
Randy says she wasn't confident enough vocally. Paula likes her beautiful face and her innocent pure voice and her excess of textures . . . . She becomes distracted by the people in the studio audience, telling them she loves them even if they are mutts, which she also loves. Simon notes Ramiele is little and cute but old-fashioned and he's not jumping out of his seat. Possibly because Paula is nearly on top of him now.
Paula begins to talk about melons -- still draped over Simon.
For Brooke White, the Virgin Nanny, the ultimate in embarrassment was when, as a little girl, she came out of church and flung her arms around her daddy and said she was tired of being in church, only it wasn't Daddy.
Brooke emits a very high-pitched squeak as she sings. Like a dolphin. Flipper's cover of "Love Is a Battlefield." The Navy could use her for sonar tracking of enemy torpedoes. Randy likes it. Paula mentions a music video she choreographed but this confuses herself and finally she admits she doesn't understand what's going on. Simon welcomes her to the club. Simon gives Virgin Nanny mad love for her second "great" performance in a row.
And, finally, Syesha Mercado brings us to tears with her story about a boy she had a crush on in second grade and sent a note in school, with gum enclosed, which the boy chewed while ratting her out. Which brings her around nicely to "Saving All My Love for You" -- yes, another Whitney song. Whitney Lite bookends.
Randy says it's "good." Paula says it's "sophisticated, lovely." Simon calls it "predictable but good." They've obviously been told the show is out of time.
Lisa de Moraes
March 6, 2008; 7:03 AM ET
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