'American Idol': First Finalist to Go
The first "Results Show Product Pimp-athon" of a new "American Idol" edition is always one of the TV season's most eagerly awaited events.
Can the producers possibly top last season, fans wonder. Is it possible to jam any more product placement into a one-hour program?
This year's debut "Product Pimp-athon" begins auspiciously.
The animated characters of the new flick "Horton Hears a Who!," all rabid fans of "American Idol," gather to watch.
"Horton Hears a Who!" is Hollywood's latest defiling of a children's classic. This time by -- well, will you look at this -- Fox! The same company that airs "Idol." Happy, happy coincidence.
More than 29 million votes were cast Tuesday night for the 12 Idolette finalists. If only "Horton Hears a Who!" could sell that many tickets. But how? Maybe a very special appearance by thespian Jim Carrey, in the "Idol Product Pimp-a-thon" audience. Carrey is dressed as an elephant, which is the character he voices in "Horton Hears a Who!"
"How are you tonight?" show host Ryan Seacrest asks.
"Good to see you man, good to be here," Carrey says, looking like he'd prefer to be pretty much anywhere else.
Seacrest wonders what's with the costume. Carrey says that when he's in character, it sometimes sticks with him for a while.
"That wouldn't be a Fox film?" Seacrest wonders.
"Ho -- busted," Carrey admits, adding, "You like to point out the elephant in the room."
"I love the show, I love the contestants," Carrey says, but his face says he'd like to clonk them all over the head with a large blunt object.
Seacrest points out Carrey's gimongous elephant feet look like show judge Randy Jackson's shoes.
"I might need a shovel over here, by the way," Carrey responds.
Carrey's ahead 5-3.
Seacrest changes the subject. Next week's theme -- more John Lennon-Paul McCartney songbook! Lennon rolls over in his grave.
That's the Idolettes' cue to take to the stage for their John Lennon-Paul McCartney Songbook Muzak Medley.
Michael Johns accidentally starts harmonizing during Carly Smithson's bit, then realizes his mistake and abruptly stops, waits, and begins harmonizing with Horse Pawner Kristy Lee Cook.
Carrey is on his feet in the audience, looking uncomfortable as an elephant.
David Cook is wearing a hat over his new demi-combover and, with the pointy locks they've given him over his ears and his resuscitated soul patch, he looks even more like the coroner munchkin in "The Wizard of Oz" than he did the night before.
Seacrest says we're looking down the barrel of another dramatic elimination. But first, a recap of the previous night's performances. Especially David Archuleta, seen once again forgetting the lyrics to his tune -- which had the press all atwitter the next day, because David A.'s supposed to be the seasoned pro, having previously won a nationally televised talent show. According to the twittering press, the 17-year-old had come unglued because his scary stage dad recently gave him a tongue-lashing.
"Who will get the ticket to ride?" Seacrest asks viewers rhetorically. Lennon rolls around in his grave some more.
Seacrest goes through this elaborate game to let Carly and Michael know they are safe.
Syesha Mercado is in this week's Bottom Three. She re-sings The Song That Got Her There. It's still utterly forgettable. But judge Paula Abdul is nonetheless up dancing, and the Mosh Pit Chicks are clapping.
Cut to this season's first Ford Commercial Posing as Music Video. The Idolettes pretend to be presidential candidates. It's definitely better than in seasons past, and the Idolettes, watching from the stage, are moved to applause by their own performances and slave labor.
"'Idol' has touched these contestants in a lot of different ways," Seacrest confides.
Like David A., who one day is going to school, the next is allegedly being verbally abused by his scary stage dad, the next day gets to attend -- the "Horton Hears a Who!" premiere! To the tune of the Beatles' "I Had a Dream Today"! Lennon rolls around in his grave some more.
"I can't believe I just met Jim Carrey -- he's one of my favorite actors!" David A. gushes.
Look! There's Steve Carell -- he's also in "Horton Hears a Who!"
Back to the voting results. Seacrest tells Horse Pawner, Chikezie Eze, Biker Nurse and Coroner Munchkin to stand up. Extra points if you can figure out which of these Idolettes will be the second named to the Bottom Three. That's right: Chikezie, Biker Nurse and Coroner Munchkin are safe.
Horse Pawner asks for the microphone. Not so fast, says Seacrest, because nobody cuts his lines, and he knows this is where he gets to first give her the "You sang 'Eight Days a Week,' which pretty much everyone hated" talk. Then he hands her the mike.
"Sorry I've got to do it again," she tells the judges. Then she gives an encore performance of "Eight Days a Week" as "Hee Haw" number. It's nearly as bad as the night before -- not quite, because this time we were braced for it.
Will Horse Pawner be the one to go?
First, it's time to unveil the brand-spanking-new American Idol Phone Sponsor Lets Nobodies Talk on the Phone segment. Because there's nothing 30 million TV viewers want more than to listen to people they have never met and don't care about talking on the phone.
It's as riveting as can be. One phoner wonders which "Idol" judge Idolette Jason Castro would most like to be. He goes with Paula, because, he says, he's most unlike her, because she's a girl. Another phoner wonders why he's auditioned for "Idol" six times and never made it to the competition.
A third wants judge Simon Cowell and Seacrest to duke it out on stage. And yet another asks Simon whether America or England has better singers.
Just when you think television can't get any better than this, former Idolette Kat McPhee shows up to inspire all of this season's Idolettes who had record contracts that came and went before they become contestants, like Michael Johns, Horse Pawner and Carly Smithson. McPhee, you see, has gone on to have a record contract come and go after being a contestant on "Idol."
And now, it's time to find out who is the third member of the Bottom Three. But wait, who's this in the Idolette bleacher? It's Jim Carrey! Pretending to be an Idolette!
"I know it's me. I should never have done the REO Speedwagon thing, man," he mugs. Which, no doubt would have gotten a big laugh, had not Fox sitcom star Brad Garrett used the same material last season when he just happened to stop by the "Results Show Pimp-a-thon" because he was such a huge fan of the show, when his show followed it.
Seacrest tells David A., Nanny Brooke, David Hernandez and Ramiele Malubay to come down on stage. No surprises here: David A. and Nanny Brooke are safe. Then Ramiele is given a reprieve. David H. is in the Bottom Three. He sings The Song That Got Him There.
The Bottom Three -- Syesha, Horse Pawner and David H. -- are collected on stage. Seacrest queries the judges. Randy says they are probably the right Bottom Three. Seacrest asks Paula where her head is at. "On my shoulders," she quips. "Always good to have it back," Seacrest cracks. Jim Carrey takes notes. Simon thinks America got this Bottom Three list "absolutely spot on."
And finally, with just seconds left in the hour and no more product to plug, Seacrest announces David Hernandez is going home. The twittering press immediately begins to twitter some more about how his stripper past did him in.
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