"American Idol": Eight Guys' Most Embarrassing Moments
It's the last chance for the eight Idolette guys to try to secure a spot in the "American Idol" Season 7 finals.
Show host Ryan Seacrest walks down the curving staircase from the Balcony of Broken Dreams like a Ziegfeld girl, patting the occasional Guy Idolette lining the stairway.
It's '80s night and because we wore our most embarrassing outfits that decade, Seacrest says, the Idolettes will be required to reveal their Most. Embarrassing. Moment. Ever.
First, Luke Menard: When he was 8, he was forced to dress in a tutu and leotard by his older sister, who wished he was a girl. With that taped intro, he's pretty much got to sing a Wham! song, right? He does: "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go." Imagine George Michael if he'd been part of an a cappella group, or barbershop quartet.
Judge Randy Jackson says Luke kind of got it together at the end, but the air he's sucking through his teeth says, "Bad, dude -- just trying to keep it real." Judge Paula Abdul mentions something about George Michael on tour and dolphin shorts, and concludes Luke has a "great instrument" and that she "loves loves loves" his "interpretation" of the song. Interpretation? Of a Wham! song? Simon calls it "weak and a bit girly" and predicts Luke won't make it to the top 12, which is telling us nothing we didn't already know.
Seacrest and David Archuleta, this year's "American Idol" winner, are back on the balcony of Broken Dreams. "You said you were thirsty and you have to pee," Seacrest says -- which, I'm willing to bet, is the clip Seacrest's people will submit to the TV academy when they enter him in the running for the very first Primetime Emmy Award for Best Performance by a Reality Series Host this September.
"I didn't want everyone to know that, actually," David A. says. Well then, pookie, you shouldn't have told it to newshound Seacrest.
The most embarrassing moment in David A.'s entire life was when he went somewhere or other to sing at some charity fundraiser where the organizers had made a big effort to fly him down there and he sang some song in Spanish only as he was trying to finish the song, his voice was gone so his mother ran up on stage and finished the song for him and she was great. Okay!
He starts to sing This Week's Earnest David Archuleta Song Choice: Phil Collins's "Another Day in Paradise." This time he mixes it up by playing the piano. At least he starts to. But he seems nervous. He leaves the piano after about five notes.
"It was like watching one of your concerts," Randy says. Paula loves that he missed a couple notes because it proves he's not a hologram, but, she adds, he's still perfect and his wonderful sensibility picks songs that he can really shine on. Paula's really riding the ganja train tonight. Simon says it wasn't as good as last week and David A.'s songs are getting "a little bit gloomy." Simon boldly predicts he will make it to the final night of "Idol" competition -- again, not telling us anything we didn't already know.
David A. says he picked this tune because he thought, "What a great song, because it brings attention to those around the world that have nothing" -- finally crossing into Tiny Tim "God bless them every one!" territory. Seacrest tells him "Idol Gives Back" isn't for another month -- okay, I made that part up.
Danny Noriega says the very most embarrassing moment for him in his entire life was when he went to a movie theater and tripped, which, he said, "was TMTH!" (too much to handle). Funny, we assumed the most embarrassing moment for Noriega in his entire life was earlier in the day when TMZ got ahold of a Christmas video the Web site said Danny posted on MySpace -- no doubt during his angry punker phase (we know this because he's wearing about a pound of eyeshadow and a faux fur vest) -- in which he, or his evil twin, says he hopes Santa Claus rapes our mothers and that we all get coal for Christmas because we're all pieces of [doodoo]."
Then he does a very pouty, "High School Musical"-esque interpretation of "Tainted Love." Randy says he was too shy vocally at first. Paula explains Danny's a brilliant light with a sensitive side and a spicy side, like chicken wings. But she's worried about the purple he's streaked into his hair. "It should come out," she advises. Simon declares it "horrible," adding, "I hated the arrangement, hated the performance, hated the vocals -- didn't like anything about it."
"Of course," Danny snaps. Then he does Simon's trademark Half Moose move. Then he pretends to brush Simon's comments off his shoulder while looking like he's cooking up more dark deeds for Santa. Actually, he says "Whatever" but he means the same thing by it.
David Hernandez's most embarrassing moment in his entire life, he says, was when he had some professional photos taken of him and noticed later that he had snot hanging from his nose in all of them. And here we thought he was going to talk about the unprofessional photos of him taken at the male strip joint where he allegedly gave lap dances, which surfaced earlier in the day all over the Internet, along with a story -- and video report -- from the Associated Press's new Tabloid Bureau. Just goes to show you, doesn't it?
Then, Hernandez sings Meatloaf's "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" which we think may be neo-ironic, but we're not sure.
Randy, too, likes the song choice. Paula says David H. is really getting into his groove. Simon says it wasn't as good as last week, but he's "100 percent secure" to be in the competition next week, "based on that song," which we think is "Idol" producers' code for "if it's good enough for Diablo Cody, it's good enough for 'American Idol.'"
Michael Johns's most embarrassing moment in his entire life was when fans at a rugby match beat him bloody in front of 20,000 people while he was dressed as a kangaroo. Which is strangely compelling. But then he ruins the moment, singing "Don't You Forget About Me" with very karaoke flourishes -- you know, arm flinging, head tossing, etc.
Randy again likes the song choice. Paula says she loves hearing the strength of his low range, the unique way he holds his microphone and his "hopping thing." The Fox Decency Police go on red alert. Simon says Michael has yet to connect with the right song for his "Moment."
The most embarrassing moment ever in rocker David Cook's life was when he was a kid singing at a talent show and forgot the second verse. He starts to sing Lionel Richie's "Hello," which we think is going to be the new Most Embarrassing Moment in his entire life. Only it isn't; it's not even bad.
Randy calls it a slightly emo version of an entirely pop Lionel Richie song. Paula says David C. is going to be a great shining star. Simon declares it a very brave thing to do, says he loved it and thinks Richie would like it, too, which, he explains, he's in a unique position to know, having run into Richie just the other day at the Whole Foods grocery store where he, Simon, was buying carrots, while Richie was buying cereal. Simon has been drinking from Paula's Coke cup.
Jason Castro has a lot to overcome after announcing to the 28 million-ish "Idol" viewers that his most embarrassing moment ever was when he accidentally pulled one of his dreadlocks out of his head while tying his hair back so it wouldn't fall into his plate while on a dinner date. We stifle the gag reflex while he sings "Hallelujah" surprisingly well.
Randy voices approval, Paula calls it "effortless with ease" and says it showed his beautiful vulnerability. Simon deems it "absolutely brilliant."
And finally, Chikezie Eze sings "All the Man/Woman That I Need" but only after telling America that the most embarrassing moment in his life was when he started attending high school and every day he went back to the same bathroom because it was so clean and there was nobody there, but one day he noticed a sign on the door that said Ladies, which, Chikezie says, helped explain why there were no urinals.
Randaula likes it -- the song, that is, not the story. Simon wants to know if Whitney Houston had ever covered the song and when someone says "yes," he says, well then, it didn't work at all.
Seacrest asks Paula to sum up the night.
"Two words: phenom enal."
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