'American Idol': Eight Idolettes Standing
In a suspicious show of collegiality and generosity, our real TV columnist has given the keys to "American Idol" blogdom this week to Tamara Jones, auxiliary backup Designated Idol Watcher. We are certain the very real danger of possibly hearing nine Idolette renditions of "Islands in the Stream" on Dolly Parton night had nothing to do with this decision.
Rosebud was the sled.
Oh, sorry! Wrong spoiler!
But this is Dramatic Revelation Night on "American Idol," so we are easily confused. The results show is so chockablock with them that the result itself -- finalist Ramiele Malubay is vanquished -- is instantly forgettable.
Instead, we are riveted by the videotaped reappearance of Bo Bice, the runner-up to Carrie Underwood in Season 4 and the last male Idolette to have really great hair. The waist-length tresses are still there, but the growl is now a whimper as he confesses that being on "Idol" sent him to the hospital for two months and "it took three surgeries to get my stomach right."
This year's rocker finalist, David Cook, reveals that "Idol" has sent him to the hospital, too, after his high blood pressure spiked Tuesday night following his rendition of guest mentor Dolly Parton's "Little Sparrow." He seems grateful that America has spared his place in the final eight, and possibly his life.
Not so lucky is Ramiele, first one dispatched to the Seats o' Doom. Next is pony pawner Kristy Lee Cook, who is so resigned to her fate in this auction ring by now that she has written "Kristy's Seat" on a crumpled piece of binder paper, smirking as she hands it to show host Ryan Seacrest.
Quickly joining her is Brooke White. The passive-aggressive nanny lights into judge Simon Cowell for disrespecting the violinist who accompanied her on the previous night's disastrously chirpy "Jolene."
Simon caves and says "sorry" four times, including a special one for Carly Smithson, whom he had criticized for her dowdy fashion choices. He actually thinks she's "very cute."
Judge Randy Jackson butts in with yet another Dramatic Revelation, sneering that the show "is definitely about the fashion, not the singing, right?," which would work as sarcasm a whole lot better if he weren't wearing a shirt with silk-screened skulls and chunky beaded bracelets to go with his diamond earrings and silver necklace.
We leave the bottom three contestants teary-eyed and hugging each other ("and we're even rooooomates!" protests Nanny Niceynice) to plug next week's charity drive, "Idol Gives Back." We're taken on a van ride through Addis Ababa to help an Ethiopian orphan search for her big sister on the capital's teeming streets, a quest we're told has been funded by last year's donations. The sisters are reunited, and then Dolly Parton comes out to sing a song to lift our spirits.
Dolly is wearing half a bodacious white wedding gown, with satin pedal pushers underneath, and it is quite clear she is lying when she sings the chorus that proclaims it's just Jesus lifting her up and gravity holding her down.
Finally, we return to the three Idolettes in exile. Brooke insists they are crying tears for the Ethiopian orphans and for Jesus. Brooke gets a free pass back to the blue couch of safety. Kristy Lee is saved yet again and immediately smothers the weeping Ramiele in her bosom, which seems a fitting ending to the Dolly Parton tribute after all.
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