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'American Idol': Sayonara, Syesha

While Lisa de Moraes is watching the television networks unveil their new season schedules in New York, Designated "American Idol" Pinch-Blogger Teresa Wiltz gives a play-by-play of this week's results show.

Another season of "American Idol" rapidly approaches its denouement.

Scratch the rapidly.

Watching the penultimate results show is the mental equivalent of wading through a pond of marshmallow fluff with patches of peanut butter.

Those would be the "gooey" (thanks, Simon, we couldn't have said it better) montages of the Idolettes returning to their roots, with hometown stadiums filled with weepy, screamy fans (though Syesha Mercado's seemed a little less fan-filled), helicopter rides, limo rides, private jet rides, and each of our heroes/heroine getting all verklempt from the awesomeness of it all.

Or, to quote the Cherubic One, "Gosh. Gosh. Gosh."

Gag. Gag. Gag.

We watch an hour of this loop of stories that We. Already. Know.

We know David Cook is a bartender. That Syesha's Cuban dad is now living the clean and sober life, and just watching his daughter on "American Idol" is a "natural high." (Do they coach this stuff?) That everybody back home in Murray City, Utah, just luurvs David Archuleta.

And we so could do without that lukewarm opening number with our Final Three listlessly raking over the embers of McFadden & Whitehead's "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now," a number that was Limburger even back in '79.

Judge Paula Abdul, perhaps sensing the high boredom quotient potential, turns up in a dress that plunges way past the TV-G rating. Host Ryan Seacrest alerts anyone who isn't watching the show with their eyes open that Paula is falling out of her dress.

Seacrest likes to play the provocateur. Or maybe he's just an old meanie.

He drags David C.'s brother Andrew up on stage, reminding everyone that David never intended to audition for "Idol" -- he just showed up to give Andrew moral support. "Next thing I know I'm taking the golden ticket and going to Hollywood," David says, looking all aw-shucks. Way to rub it in, bro.

Fantasia Barrino, Idol '04, performs, singing her heart out in a funky jumpsuit. She's got fuchsia hair. She gets the Ikettes -- or at least, they look like the Ikettes -- singing and grinding and flinging their hair around. She's whooping and hollering, gritty and greasy, stomping out in the audience and scaring all the white girls. She's got a James Brown take-it-to-the-bridge guitar thing going on.

But in the force field of inertia and calculated wholesomeness that is "Idol," it's as if she's been put on mute. Even so, Fantasia's performance is way grittier, far more spontaneous, than anything else on the show.

Judge Simon Cowell looks terrified. And that alone, folks, is worth the price of admission.

At the end of one of the longest hours in recorded history, we finally get down to the business of finding out What. We. Already. Know. Namely, Syesha, a hanger-out in the benthic zone all season long, gets the (graceful) boot.

Syesha never managed to consistently hit it out of the park -- though she was certainly capable of some showstoppers -- and that, not to mention 56 million votes, sealed her fate.

Which means next week, we watch Boy Band Cute and Rocker Lite Cute battle to the finish.

Told you so.

By Rose Jacobius  |  May 15, 2008; 6:11 AM ET
Categories:  "American Idol"  | Tags: transfer  
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Next: "American Idol": The Two Davids

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