Bikini Girl, We Barely Knew You
It's Group Round Night in Hollywood -- in which the Idolettes are told at bedtime to form into cliques, rehearse until the wee hours of the morning a tune that was popular when their parents were their age, and then perform it that afternoon in the most famous theater ever built in a shopping mall -- because, of course, that's how it happens all the time in the music industry. I'm told that's how Bruce Springsteen got together with the E Street Band.
Show host Ryan Seacrest has had a whole year to prepare an especially strong Hollywood Week Group Round Cavalcade of Cliches for tonight's broadcast: "The stage is set for the tears, triumphs and tragedies," "This annual event always brought on the drama but never like this," and, our personal fave: "Some rise to the forefront but others will simply be stabbed in the back."
Tuesday night we were told 43 of the 147 Idolettes who made it to Hollywood had not survived the first round of Hollywood Week. But Wednesday night we're told there are 107 contestants and 40 had gotten the hook. There's a story there. Maybe they discovered three of the ejected are male strippers and they brought them back to feed to TMZ and the Associated Press.
But, however you do your math, there are a mess of Idolettes still performing for their lives. But what we want to see, "Idol" producers are quite certain, are not good singers but Drama Queens, starting with Bikini Girl, and Tatiana the Terrible, and also including Rose the Lovely Orphan Child, and Nathaniel the Hysterical.
Bikini Girl, aka Katrina Darrell, decides to go to bed in the middle of rehearsal because she wants to sleep, leaving the rest of her Team Diva -- oh yes, they did pick that name -- in the lurch. We see a lot of Rose the Lovely Orphan Child, aka Rose Flack, standing around dissing Bikini Girl when she might be better off rehearsing.
"If you guys keep going off key you are a bad singer!...I hate excuses!" Tatiana Del Toro lectures the group of chicks who took her in when no one else would.
Briefly, Danny "I Lost My Wife" Gokey & His BFF Jamar Rogers have found two chicks with whom to sing in perfect harmony. They're seen for the briefest of moments, rehearsing in the kitchen of the Hotel That's Next to the Most Famous Theater Ever Built in a Shopping Mall. That's all the good singing we'll see for a good long while.
"Please! We have to be tight!" Tatiana continues to screech at her group. "This is not a game to me! This mean everything to me!"
("Have you ever met Satan?" one of Tatiana's teammates asks another)
"I've been to hell and back to be here!" Tatiana wails, confirming her teammate's suspicions. She announces her teammates are going to throw her under the bus. Really? I thought a stake through the heart was the standard operating procedure. Anyway, she hops on her broom and flies over to Team Compromise, whose members include Nathaniel the Hysterical, aka Nathaniel Marshall. Team Compromise takes Tatiana in because one of its more naïve members, Blond on Top Chick, aka Kristen McNamara, says they need her. Like Hansel and Gretel need gingerbread.
But after casting an evil spell over Team Compromise, Tatiana the Terrible hops back on her broom and flies back to her first team to wreak havoc over there.
Meanwhile, the evil spell Tatiana had cast on Team Compromise is kicking in. Blond on Top Chick is trying to rest, Nancy Wilson is going postal, and Nathaniel snaps: "I tried my hardest to put my heart in it and I tried to make these girls get along!"
Later, Rose and the rest of Team Diva go looking for Bikini Girl and find her under her duvet in her bed. She won't come out because it's not yet time for her closeup. They head out without her.
But Bikini Girl finally rises and puts in her little dress and her high, high heels and her perfect makeup and trudges down to wherever it is they all are and plunks herself at the Team Diva table and tells her teammates: "You've got to teach me what I missed."
Some team called White Chocolate gives a great performance; too bad we didn't get to see them rehearse. Likewise Nick Mitchell, who miraculously seems to have made it through and without his Norman Gentle get-up. That might have been interesting to see. Danny Gokey and his team are great but we already knew that.
Team Diva performs and is predictably terrible except for Jasmine Murray, from whom we heard nothing during all the Diva drama. Bikini Girl tries to play the "I have scoliosis" card, but judge Simon Cowell, who's been her enabler all along, throws her over, noting that maybe she shouldn't be wearing those high, high heels. New "Idol" judge Kara DioGuardi takes one last whack at Bikini Girl but, sadly, the American Idol Decency Police censor it.
And Tatiana? Tatiana's spell casts a pall over Team Compromise, causing Nancy Wilson to forget her lyrics. Simon even suggests the chicks tried to nuke each other during their performance. Kristen and Nathaniel survive; Nancy gets the hook and hisses something at Kristen, which is censored, on her way out.
Miraculously, all of Tatiana's team, including the she-devil herself, gets sent through to the next round. Which causes Tatiana's eyes to begin spinning around in her head while she screams:
"Thank you Jesus! Thank you so much! Thank you everyone who is a part of this show! I love you so much! You all make this a part of me! You are all a part of me! I will take each and every one of you in my heart for the rest of my life!"
Tatiana's just crazy, right?
Join Lisa for a live discussion every Friday at 1 p.m. ET.
Lisa de Moraes
February 5, 2009; 8:34 AM ET
Categories: "American Idol"
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