Tatiana's Dreams Dashed on "American Idol"
It's Wednesday, the first voting results night of this season's "American Idol," only three of last night's performers will survive, and host Ryan Seacrest warns us to "take nothing for granted."
Does he mean like how we take for granted that Tatiana the Terrible is toast? And how we take for granted that Danny "Just Lost My Wife" Gokey and little pink-tipped Alexis Grace are going to get to sit in two of those stools that the people who survive this round get to sit in -- because they clearly won last night's popularity contest if not the singing portion of the competition? This year, as part of the changes to the show, the tractor seat stools are out. New, streamlined stools are in, stools that look like giant, shiny martini glasses -- the Stemware of Massive Opportunity.
Or, maybe, when Seacrest says take "take nothing for granted" he's referring to how we're assuming that Ricky Braddy hasn't a chance of achieving Stemware of Massive Opportunity status, because he got no on-air time during the first whole month of this season's "Idol" and just kinda showed up out of nowhere this week to give one of last night's two best vocal performances.
Because, as serious students of "Idol" know, on-air exposure during the Fly-Over Auditions and during Hollywood Week are critical to surviving the initial rounds of competition once viewers get to do the voting.
That's why this season's Idolettes all hate Tatiana -- the show's producers have had the camera all over her since her first audition.
"Thank you for your tremendous support!" Seacrest enthuses, revealing that Tuesday night we voted 24 million times for our favorite Idolettes -- 10 million more votes than same show last year. Yes We Can!
Some parents are sure going to be surprised when they see their little princess's text messaging charges on the next AT&T bill.
So, to recap, tonight we are going to learn: which chick Idolette got the most votes from among the initial 12, which guy got the most votes, and who got the second most votes of the first 12 Idolettes behind the week's top vote-getter which, obviously, is either the top chick or the top guy. Pop quiz tomorrow.
But first, it's time to Banter with the Judges. Randy Jackson reveals that some of last night's performances were good and some were bad. Kara DioGuardi seconds the motion. And, because Kara's new to the show and does not know any better, when Seacrest asks her to name names of the bad performers, she actually does.
Intrigued, Seacrest asks judge Simon Cowell -- the only judge worth listening to -- to critique Kara's first performance as Idol judge during a live "Idol" performance show.
"Amazing -- unprecedented," Simon smirks.
"He's lying," Kara simpers, modestly. Poor, sweet, stupid Kara.
Next, it's time for the This is Their Journey video, sort of showing us how these 12 Idolettes got here, followed by This Week in Group-Sing, in which we think we see Idolette Jackie Tohn shoving other chicks aside to position herself in the camera's face.
Then it's time for the How These 12 Did Last Night video recap, in which Voiceover Seacrest says Tatiana "turned the night around." Only some of the people shown in the clips following her actually performed before Tatiana did. One night in and they're already re-writing this season's "Idol" history?
Then it's time for -- no, not the results, we've got an hour to kill -- Seacrest to ask the Idolettes to grade their own performances. Jackie wants to know whether he means in the "school" sense or the "Olympics" sense. Anyway, she gives herself a B+. Anoop Desai insists he's relaxed until Seacrest starts grilling him to "tell the truth" and he admits he's "the most nervous I've ever been."
Tatiana is "humbled" to be here. Stevie Wright still can't figure out why the judges told her to sing a young song when she sang an old song, and then didn't like her young song. When, of course, they just didn't like her performance of that young song. We know she's confused because the three non-Simon judges couldn't bring themselves to say she stank Tuesday night, and instead focused on "song choice."
And now, at last, Seacrest goes in for the kill.
Winky Wiggly Casey Carlson is the victim, terminated for having winked and wiggled her way through a Police tune, after which Stephen Fowler gets whacked for having performed a Michael Jackson number.
Next, Seacrest calls Alexis to the center of the stage, and sends her to the Stemware of Massive Opportunity.
Seacrest gives Jackie the hook. Then Ricky gets the old heave ho.
Seacrest calls Anoop and Michael Sarver to the stage simultaneously. This can only mean one of them is going home. That would be Anoop, and Michael moves over to the Stemware of Massive Opportunity. Only 20,000 votes separated the two guys, Seacrest wants us to know. Which we think means Michael is not the top guy vote getter of this week. Our head starts to hurt.
Time to plug the new American Idol Ride or Game or whatever it is at Disney World. You can now go to Disney World, in Orlando, and buy a ticket to wait in line a really long time to pretend you're trying out for "Idol." Or, you can wait in line a really long time to actually try out for "Idol" next season without buying a ticket. Your choice.
Seacrest then calls for "the next two contestants" which means something is up, because he's picking them randomly so they'd have no way of knowing who they are. But, of course, it's not two of this season's Idolettes. It's two of last season's '"Idol" rejectees, Carly Smithson and Michael Johns, who are here to entertain us with their rendition of "The Letter." So this is what Seacrest meant when he told us not to take anything for granted.
That painful bit over, it's time for Seacrest to end the dreams of three more Idolettes: Ann Marie Boskovich, Brent Keith and Stevie are all sent packing.
That clever Seacrest has saved the best for last: Tatiana and Danny. Crazy and Shameless. Seacrest tries batting them about a bit, with stupid questions, but Tatiana is, mercifully, speechless, and Danny tells Seacrest to get on with it. Seacrest tells Danny to move over to the Stemware of Massive Opportunity.
Danny takes a victory lap, while Tatiana gently weeps. Cut to the Coke Red Room, where one of Danny's pals holds up a photo of Danny and his dead wife for the camera.
Please email us to report offensive comments.
Posted by: waterfrontproperty | February 19, 2009 6:39 AM
Posted by: MILW | February 19, 2009 8:59 AM
Posted by: MaltyCharacter | February 19, 2009 9:06 AM
Posted by: amanda3200 | February 19, 2009 9:08 AM
Posted by: mstaines | February 19, 2009 9:16 AM
Posted by: VTDuffman | February 19, 2009 9:22 AM
Posted by: molsonmich | February 19, 2009 9:28 AM
Posted by: VTDuffman | February 19, 2009 9:40 AM
Posted by: happydad3 | February 19, 2009 9:52 AM
Posted by: danilynn17 | February 19, 2009 9:53 AM
Posted by: owingsmills | February 19, 2009 9:53 AM
Posted by: majorjasoncastrofan | February 19, 2009 10:03 AM
Posted by: DreamOutLoud | February 19, 2009 10:16 AM
Posted by: sknyluv | February 19, 2009 11:01 AM
Posted by: Jsa66 | February 19, 2009 12:02 PM
Posted by: repricer | February 19, 2009 12:58 PM
Posted by: molsonmich | February 19, 2009 1:27 PM
Posted by: DadWannaBe | February 19, 2009 3:15 PM
Posted by: dovelevine | February 19, 2009 4:13 PM
Posted by: pinheadpipsqueak | February 19, 2009 5:50 PM
Posted by: waterfrontproperty | February 19, 2009 6:24 PM
Posted by: Kureno | February 19, 2009 6:47 PM
Posted by: Kureno | February 19, 2009 7:02 PM
Posted by: Justice26 | February 19, 2009 9:27 PM
Posted by: niceshoes1 | February 19, 2009 10:58 PM
Posted by: anjacarolin | February 20, 2009 1:38 AM
Posted by: VTDuffman | February 20, 2009 8:06 AM
Posted by: DreamOutLoud | February 20, 2009 10:39 AM
Posted by: DreamOutLoud | February 20, 2009 10:45 AM
Posted by: AmaliaAusten | February 20, 2009 2:12 PM
Posted by: pinkstate | February 20, 2009 3:22 PM
Posted by: MaltyCharacter | February 20, 2009 3:32 PM
Posted by: ILoveToSinga | February 20, 2009 5:38 PM
The comments to this entry are closed.