Disco Takes its Toll On "American Idol"
Ever since Tuesday's Disco Performance Night on "American Idol," host Ryan Seacrest has been bragging about how the show actually came in at some semblance of "on time."
"Whoopie!" Seacrest tweeted of the Tuesday show's on-time-ness, revealing the producers had accomplished this remarkable feat -- in marked contrast to a recent performance episode's 9-minute overrun -- by scrapping the pre-taped bits, as well as the traditional Mentoring of Idolettes by a former star of whatever is the week's genre. Generally, you expect the mentor to show up the next night to perform during the results show.
But, like we said, all scrapped this week. Which explains why viewers are so completely unprepared for Wednesday's Results Show Disco Infirmary.
Sexagenarians Freda Payne and Thelma Houston are on stage, singing their signature tunes and jiggling but not in a good way. Payne wears a too sheer evening gown and Houston a bright yellow nightie. Imagine your grandmother dressed as a canary, singing:
"Come on, Simon,
Satisfy a need in me."
I've had nightmares that were less disturbing.
Also coming out to sing: KC of Sunshine Band fame. The Sunshine Band apparently couldn't make it, so KC, aka Harry Wayne Casey, is joined on stage by a quartet of hotties, only two of whom sing and hardly any of whom dance.
Two Idolettes are getting whacked tonight because the judges tossed away their one and only Judges's Save Card on Matt Giraud, who we're supposed to believe is this season's Jennifer Hudson. If the train is to remain on schedule -- this show has to wrap the week of May 18 -- two competitors must go this week. If someone with talent gets whacked tonight won't the judges feel foolish about saving Matt.
There were 45 million votes cast this week, show host Ryan Seacrest tells us. "Idol" Judge Paula Abdul choreographed this week's Disco Group Lip Synch. The Idolettes are all dressed like cast members getting ready for a sock-it-to-me segment from Rowan & Martin's Laugh-in." Their number is a little disco, a little Michael Flatley, a little power walkin'. After it's over, Seacrest brings Abdul on stage so she can receive a huge bouquet of flowers, like it's opening night of the New York ballet. Paula receives one flower for every five seconds of choreography she created for the Idolettes. Having been presented with the flowers, Paula gives her best Miss America wave -- all of Paula's fantasies rolled into one.
Seacrest kills time until the last Idolette has changed out of his/her disco costume and returned to the Sofa of Safety.
Time for the Ford Music Video. This time the Idolettes break into groups: some will bake cupcakes, others will make a cinderblock wall and still others will wash a large-ish dog, after which they all go to a karoake bar -- all while singing some tune about being good and being gone. It's unclear what is the message of this week's Ford Music Video but it appears Ford is anti-cupcake, anti-wall building and anti-dog washing.
Finally, it's time to whack some Idolettes.
Seacrest asks Lil Rounds to stand Up. Seacrest asks Lil to walk over to the other side of the stage. Seacrest tells Lil she's history. Wow, that was fast. Lil got cut one night after she had donned a cat suit and discoed her way through "I'm Every Woman," and the judges told her they had no idea who she is.
Though Lil had hardly ever hit a right note since the early stages of the competition, she had been a voter fave, owing to her pluck and her three adorable little children. "It's been a heck of a fight, and we've been proud to have you on this show," Seacrest gushes after giving her the hook. The judges begin to fawn over her, because they're relieved. One down, without embarrassing them over last week's Judges Save choice.
Kris Allen is asked to stand. Seacrest wonders whether Kris understands Paula's comment the night before that of all the men who shop in women's stories, he's her favorite. Kris says he does, without elaborating. That seems to satisfy Seacrest, who tells him to sit back down on the Sofa of Safety, because he's surviving to sing another week.
Seacrest asks Adam Lambert to stand. He wonders whether Adam thought his achy breaky ballad version of "If I Can't Have You" was a big risk.
Yes, of course, Adam responds, explaining he had hoped people would recognize the original tune, but then he read the lyrics and realized it did not matter, so long as the lyrics were sung honestly.
Seacrest, who'd tuned out at "yes, of course," tells Adam to shove a sock in it and sit down because he's safe.
Danny Gokey is up next and tries to bait Simon for having called his performance this week "clumsy."
"You know, I thought about it -- I meditated a lot on it...because all you [Simon] say up here is 'you're clumsy,' " Danny says with that service employee's I'm-smiling-cause-I-have-to grin on his face.
"So, I don't know what you mean by that, but I think I figured it out, so if I stay I think I might be able to fix that," Danny adds.
Ryan wants Simon to explain what he meant by "clumsy."
"You know what being clumsy is about," Simon shoots back.
Seacrest asks the clumsy question again.
"That's a longer conversation, Ryan. You are being facetious. Go back to the contestants," Simon snaps.
So Ryan declares Danny safe.
That leaves Allison Iraheta and Matt Giraud. Matt is safe; Allison is sent to the Stemware of Shame.
But she's not there for long -- just long enough for a previous season's Idolette, David Archuleta, to sing and prattle on merrily about how losing at "Idol" is only the start of a brilliant career. Just look at him -- he's opening for Demi Lovato.
The results are in. Anoop is out, after messing with the disco genre when he sang "Dim All the Lights" in a pink sweater and baby-beard.
"It's almost like you're numb to this after all these weeks" in the bottom three, Seacrest guesses.
"On the bright side -- I'm going back to Chapel Hill ," UNC BMOC Anoop says, with a smile.
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