Eight guys sing to survive on 'American Idol'
The eight Guy Idolettes begin their night inside a deep freeze. They have all turned a pretty shade of blue; host Ryan Seacrest checks them, one by one, for freezer burn. Next, Seabiscuit moves over to the children's play area to break up a fight between judges Simon Cowell and Kara DioGuardi in re which of them is leaning into the other's space. Once their tantrum is over, the Idolettes can begin to sing:
Lee Dewyze sings "Fireflies" while his talent blinks on and off. On the bright side, he is wearing better fitting pants, which judge Randy Jackson calls "making it work," judge Ellen The Generous is sure will make even more little girls develop a crush on him, and Kara calls "looking confident." Yes, it's easy to look more confident while singing if you are not distracted by having to pull your pants up repeatedly, in order to keep them from falling down around your ankles.
Alex Lambert is at his most pettable singing "Trouble." Randy wishes he'd sung it slower. Ellen the Generous says he's a banana who's ripening so fast she can barely keep up -- a banana filled with sweetness and innocence and vulnerability, and she urges him not to become a cocky banana. But Kara thinks he's still too stiff. The American Idol Decency Police get out their tranq guns and train them on Ellen and Kara. Simon suggests Alex imagine Randy in a bikini to get over his nervousness. The American Idol Decency Police put in a call for backup
Tim Urban does the 65th best version of "Hallelujah" we've ever heard. Randy calls it a pretty good job. Ellen, who, like the Idolettes, is still trying to find out what kind of artist she wants to be, decides to run up on stage and give him a hug. This is a very bad idea. It is the most uncomfortable moment in the history of "American Idol." It takes her forever to get up on stage to him, during which time we are naturally going to ask ourselves again what is she doing on this show. Do not be this kind of artist, Ellen. Kara, who knows what kind of artist she wants to be -- Paula Abdul -- calls his version of the tune honest and all about the emotion, and the beauty. Simon takes credit for giving Tim the ego boost he so badly needed last week to make possible this week's performance of "Hallelujah." Simon will regret saying that almost immediately when Tim starts swanking around, telling the judges they can each take credit for his performance because it was their constructive criticism last week that enabled him to deliver the 65th best performance of "Hallelujah" ever.
After weeks of telling us he's going to do his own thing only to get the stuffing beat out of him by the judges, who can't stop wondering why he can't be as good as when he did Paula Abdul's "Straight Up" during Hollywood Week, Alex Garcia goes out in search of the most "Straight Up"-ish tune he can find in hopes of recapturing the magic. That tune is "Genie in a Bottle." Still not "Straight Up" enough, the judges say; Simon calls it "a little bit desperate." Simon is wrong -- it is a lot desperate.
Casey James learned his lesson last week when he went electric and rocker and his cougar, Kara, mauled him badly. This week he's playing it safe with a Keith Urban tune, "You'll Think of Me." Casey has tied back his long blonde locks, sending a message to Kara: "You are dead to me." Naturally, his indifference is irresistible. "I'm kinda back on the Casey Train," Kara says flirtatiously. Chicks are so easy.
Aaron Kelly gets off to a terrible start with "I'm Already There" but by the middle of the song he's pounding away in full treacle-tune mode. Randy calls it a job well done, but Ellen wonders how old Aaron is. Do we have to ask him every week how old he is? Yeah, Ellen, he's still 16, just like he was when you asked last week. Kara says sternly that Aaron chose an irrelevant tune because it is written in the third person and is about a guy calling his kids on the telephone to talk to them while he, Aaron, is only 16. That's right - still 16. But Simon steps in and plays the Complete and Utter Rubbish card, adding, "If we keep going down this road of 'You can't do this, you can't do that,' we're going to confuse these people".
Todrick Hall should not get within 20 yards of a Queen tune the season after Adam Lambert. Period. Do not quote me any" Todrick-is-back!" nonsense from Randy, Ellen the Generous, Kara, or Simon.
We can't talk about Michael Lynche's performance of "This Woman's Work" right now because we are so deeply moved. We have to lie down for a minute.
Okay, we're back now. GAK! Michael Lynch doing falsetto is like The Hulk on helium. During the more glutinous bits in the tune, in which the singer is allegedly distraught that his woman is in danger while delivering their baby or, according to some interpretations, expiring of some dread disease -- anyway, things are not looking good for the chick in question - muscleman Mike starts doing lunges and deep knee bends. Once he's done, the judges begin to rave and Kara actually collapses, weeping, into Simon's arms, sobbing, "as a woman who doesn't have a child I can relate so much!" It's her best Paula Abdul impression to date, and totally trumps Ellen The Generous's on-stage Idolette hugging. Kara pulls well ahead of Ellen The Generous in the American Idol Empathy Derby! How will Ellen ever catch up?
Lisa de Moraes
March 11, 2010; 7:02 AM ET
Categories: "American Idol"
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