Guys fill in for the girls on 'American Idol'
Idolette Mama Sox had to go to the hospital and the doctor says she cannot perform Tuesday night. So instead of asking one of the guys to perform tonight so, hopefully, Mama Sox can perform Wednesday -- all 10 of the guys are compelled to sing after just six days rehearsal (they performed on Wednesday last week), while the chicks (who performed Tuesday last week) will sing Wednesday with eight days rehearsal, which seems grossly unfair. Is there some Old Testament prohibition against a guy singing on the same night as the chicks before the fourth episode of a competition series that I don't know about?
And besides, the prospect of having to slog through the performances of 10 guys who were so bad last week and who have had inadequate rehearsal time this week is not pleasant.
With a heavy heart, we settle in for the next two hours:
Michael Lynche put his ukulele away this week to sing a big-guy's song "This is a Man's World" after informing us he benches 505 pounds and putting on a suit. It all works for judge Randy Jackson who gives Michael a standing ovation. Randy and Ellen DeGeneres have changed places so that Randy is now sitting on the far left and will critique performances first, before Ellen, so as to make Ellen seem like an actual 'Idol' judge instead of a talk show host plugging her syndicated series. Ellen, taking her cue from Randy, calls Michael's performance "the one to beat." Judge Kara DioGuardi says Michael has transformed from a pussycat to a lion -- or maybe Simon said that. Simon has taken time off from daydreaming about his new 'Idol'-killing singing competition show "The X Factor," to get caught up in the moment and also praise Michael for his not-sounding-dated-ness. Michael tells show host Ryan Seacrest he found out the guys were going to have to perform tonight around 10 this morning while he was getting a pedicure. Seabiscuit say he was getting a manicure when he found out. The audience gasps.
John Park takes us through his over-thinking of what went wrong with his performance last week. He ditches the suit, puts on a T-shirt and jeans, which is code for I'm About to Sing a Relevant Tune. That tune being John Mayer's "Gravity." The judges slap him on the back verbally for being better than last week, though Randy is sorry he wasn't spicier and they all accuse him of over-thinking the tune. Simon says it's a so-what performance and predicts his a cappella group, Purple Haze, may get its lead singer back.
Several weeks ago Casey James took off his shirt to get into the competition. Tonight he takes off his I'm So Hot and Yet So Humble veneer and reveals his inner I Am A Hot Blonde Rocker Guy Do Not Mess With Me Kara You Verging on Middle-Aged Jingle Writer kinda guy. It all started when he picked "I Don't Wanna Be" -- a tune that's nearly bald it has so little tread left on it from having been performed by Bo Bice, Elliot Yamin and countless other Idolettes over the years. His version, he assures Seabiscuit, will be a lot different than theirs. "Different" means he will play the electric guitar, and look smokin' hot into the camera, add a guitar solo at the end of the tune, and then dismiss the judges' first un-gushing comment in his direction. Randy likes his guitar work but Ellen calls him stiff. "We all got the memo -- the cougar's a fan," Kara says and then tells him he "took two steps backwards for me." "Did he not return your calls, darling?" coos Simon before agreeing with Kara's every word adding that Casey had "no grit" for that song. "More like sand," He said. "More like dirt," Kara adds. No Casey eye-sex for Kara tonight! "I definitely own this guitar," Casey assures Seabiscuit, in regards to his guitar-playing abilities.
Little Alex Lambert vomits before every football game and every 'Idol' performance, he tells us, but hasn't yet tonight so things are looking good, he tells Seabiscuit. He sings "Everbody Knows" and, as usual, charms the judges. "You know what I loved about your package?" Randy starts. The American Idol Decency Police put new batteries in their stun guns. Ellen likens Alex to a banana that ripened quickly by being put in a paper bag. The American Idol Decency Police set their stun guns at "Vibrate." Kara says he has "an incredible, record-able voice" and Simon thinks he's a million times better than last week but need to cut out all the talk about vomiting and develop killer instincts.
Last week, Todrick Hall said confidently he was going to package his dancing with his singing. The judges savaged him for dancing and singing and said his song interpretation was too off the charts. This week he stands very still and tries to put his own spin on a Tina Turner tune, "What's Love Got to Do With It?" Ultimately it's a bad song choice for him but this time the judges pan him for his interpretation and for NOT dancing. Todrick is bewildered. We are too.
Note to Jermaine Sellers: Here are some of the lyrics to "What's Going On":
There's too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There's far too many of you dying
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today
We don't need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some lovin' here today
When performing this song, do not try to sex it up -- particularly the bit about "there's far too many of you dying." Sadly, the only judge who notices is Kara who tells him he should have looked at "the meaning of the song" and the lyrics. Not that any of the other judges like his performance. Jermaine asks them what he should sing next week. Simon says he's not sure Jermaine is going to be on the show next week. Jermaine, who says he's a God-fearing guy, challenges Simon to go to church with him on Sunday. Simon agrees. We contemplate a career change.
Andrew Garcia demonstrates his skills as an over-weight break dancer. The judges continue to be disappointed that he doesn't sing Paula Abdul's "Straight Up" every week of the competition and after his performance of "You Give Me Something," we think they may be on to something.
Every week we forget that Aaron Kelly is still in this competition. Next week will be no exception after his performance of "My Girl" which played like some great high school production of a play that had "My Girl" in it called, maybe, "His Girl." Simon nicks him big time with a Justin Bieber reference. Then Seabiscuit asks Aaron if he's a fan of the teener pop star singer but just as Aaron starts to reply in the affirmative, Seabiscuit develops a conscience and saves the 16-year-old in the nick of time.
Tim Urban is the earnestest singer to ever appear on "American Idol." He sings "Whenever You Breathe Out, I Breathe In." Randy's new favorite word is "karaoke." Ellen the Generous says he's just good enough as a singer and cute enough as a guy that if he were an actor cast on "Glee" he'd be a huge star. "Girls would go crazy," she says. This is the most perceptive thing Ellen has ever said on the show. Simon demonstrates a girl going crazy over Tim by gushing that he listened to last week's criticism and has a great work ethic.
Lee Dewyze looks like he's about to faint as he sings "Lips of an Angel" and misses a lot of notes -- is he frightened out on stage without his guitar? He tells the judges he was "so nervous." The judges have decided, as have we, that he's going to win this competition because he most closely resembles David Cook and Kris Allen, so they lavish praise on his mediocre performance, including Simon, who advises him to stand up straight and insists he's still the best male singer this season.
Lisa de Moraes
March 3, 2010; 7:00 AM ET
Categories: "American Idol"
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