Keep your shirt on; 'American Idol' sends Lacey home
Time to whack the first of our "American Idol" Top 12! I love this part of the competition when we're all fresh and wide-eyed and non-cynical and know that even if a singer sports a mullet, if he's really, really talented, he's going to make it through to the next round of competition, and that some musically clueless guy whose shirtless photos are somehow making the rounds is not going to get through from week to week because of his practically perfect pecs, David Cassidy hair, and blue-eyed wonder-struck look.
But before we get started, let's talk about show host Ryan Seacrest and outgoing judge Simon Cowell.
On Tuesday night, after Simon gave his performance pointers to Idolette Mike Lynche -- nothing out of the ordinary -- and Seabiscuit asked him to elaborate and Simon declined, and Seabiscuit unbuttoned his bespoke suit jacket marched off stage and up to the judges' desk and invaded Simon's personal space, sneering, "I actually was trying to help him out a little, buddy -- you alright with that?" That made Simon push his chair back a yard or so and said "This is getting very uncomfortable. Please go back on the stage," later adding, "We can sort this out in my trailer afterwards if that's what you want to do."
So at the start of Wednesday's show, when Seabiscuit strolls over behind Simon's chair, Simon says "Do you want to get the eyeballing out of the way?"
"What's wrong?" Seabiscuit faux-wonders.
"Your aggressive behavior last night," Simon snaps.
"I just thought that, um, you needed to be a little more constructive with him," Seabiscuit offers weakly.
"Do you want my job?" asks Simon who is leaving the show at the end of this season.
"No, I'm comfortable with mine," Seabiscuit says limply.
"Good, because it felt like an audition," Simon snarks, adding, "Can we agree we don't cross the line? The eyeballing, the aggressive behavior?"
"No, I loved it -- stop staring at me," Seabiscuit says, trying for a joke and missing by about a mile.
We're friends, right?" Simon says.
"Of course?" Seabiscuit says tentatively, sensing a trick question.
"Just don't ever do that again," Simon snarls.
That extremely uncomfortable made-for-TV moment concluded, it's time for one of the Really Safe Rocker Dude winners of "American Idol" Past, aka David Cook, to perform a Rolling Stones tune and blah, blah, blah about his new album.
Then Seabiscuit explains the Judges Save card. This is important because there is a petition floating around with around 17,000 signatures -- including OMG Demi Moore! -- begging the judges to use their Save card to bring back Alex Lambert of the Bad Mullet. Seabiscuit wants to make very, very sure those 18,000 "Idol" viewers understand that the Judges Save only applies to Idolettes in the Top-12. Lambert, alas, did not make it to the Top-12. He is ineligible. So many rules to know for "American Idol" -- it's like prepping for your drivers license exam. .
And then, it's time for the first Ford Music Video starring The Idolettes.
When it's over, Seabiscuit asks Casey James to explain himself -- he wasn't in the video. Casey says, apologetically, that he had the flu. But Casey was there for -- the other Ford video! That's right, pooksters, this season we get two Ford videos for the price of one, no money down. In this one, the Idolettes custom detail Ford Fiestas and you can win one of them. Or just leave your car on the street in a neighborhood where a lot of tagging goes on and get the same effect.
Back to Seabiscuit, who points out the three Giant Martini Glasses of Shame into which will be seated the three Idolettes who got the fewest votes this week.
Paige Miles is the first to be sent to a Glass. This is unkind of you, voting viewers, given that she did a fantastic job with her Rolling Stones tune considering she had laryngitis. On the other hand, she was wearing that ridiculous jumpsuit.
Lee Dewyze is spared after nervously promising to work on his nerves.
Siobhan Magnus, who sadly was likened to Snooki's Pouffe this week by judge Ellen The Generous, is safe.
Little Aaron Kelly, who got this week's best American Idol Makeover, also is safe.
Andrew Garcia and Tim Urban are asked to stand. Andrew is safe, Tim who had performed a bouncy reggae version of the Stone's Misogyny Anthem, "Under My Thumb" is in the Bottom Three. Poor Tim is now hanging on by his pecs. They look great in those photos, BTW.
Before we go any further, we need a break to watch the performance of a blonde "pioneer" rocker chick in black leather, named Orianthi. Orianthi is safe. Oh wait, she's not competing.
Also safe is Didi Benami though, the previous night she had sung a lame "Playing with Fire" that was more like "Turning the Burner on Low to Warm the Soup." Crystal Bowersox is also declared safe, but only after assuring us that she doesn't like it when people put words in her mouth, like when the judges suggest she thinks she's got this thing sewn up. "I never thought that one second ... when I perform I do what's natural ... I'm not being arrogant -- none of this is easy."
"Wait until Barry Manilow night," Seabiscuit jokes.
Katie Stevens is asked to stand. Judge Kara DioGuardi tells her to become an R& B singer. Simon tells her to go "country." Ellen The Generous suggests mariachi. After they're through batting her around, Seabiscuit announces she is safe.
Ditto Michael Lynche, which means either Casey James or Lacey Brown gets the last Giant Martini Glass of Shame. Guess who's safe? The other guy who's taken his shirt off? What are the odds, really?
Seacrest promises to put one of the Bottom Three out of his/her misery. That one is Tim Urban. Tim once again performs his Faux Stagger of Disingenuous Disbelief. It never gets old.
That leaves Paige and Lacey. Paige is safe. Lacey must sing again, in hopes of convincing the judges to use their Judges' Save card to keep her in the competition. While she sings, the camera cuts to Randy and Simon who are clearly guffawing and harrumphing about something that has nothing to do with Lacey. At the end of the tune, Simon announces they have decided unanimously not to spare here. Court adjourned.
Lisa de Moraes
March 18, 2010; 7:00 AM ET
Categories: "American Idol"
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