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'American Idol': Miley and Jemi sing, Paige walks

Tonight will be the most dramatic elimination yet on "American Idol" this season. Tonight, the Idolette who got the fewest votes from viewers on Tuesday will spend the rest of his or her life knowing he or she came THIS close to going on the "American Idol" tour, which may or may not sell out in venues all across the country this summer.

Also, tonight we will see Joe Jonas for the first time on "American Idol" since he got a grown-up haircut and Demi Lovato decided they are "dating."

Paige Miles says goodbye to her 'Idol' dream. (Michael Becker -- Fox)

Why does a woman in the audience have blood running down her face and yet, seem so happy?

Show host Ryan Seacrest, dressed in another natty suit, gets things rolling by thanking America for voting Tuesday night. But again he neglects to tells us how many votes were cast, which means the numbers must be down. It's like a real estate agent taking out a full-page ad to let us know he just sold a house, but not telling us for how much.

Seabiscuit reminds us that the only thing that can save tonight's booted Idolette is The Judges' Save -- aka The Jennifer Hudson Save -- which must be unanimous, and expires once we get down to the Top 5 Idolettes in the competition.

Will the judges use The Jennifer Hudson Save tonight, Seabiscuit wonders. Is he out of his mind? Did he WATCH Tuesday's competition show? Did he hear Tim Urban? Andrew Garcia? Paige Miles?

Judge Randy Jackson came dressed tonight as a Creamsicle. Ellen The Generous is dressed as Peter O'Toole: The Lawrence of Arabia Years -- keffiyah, short blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, black eyeliner. Kara DioGuardi has found something from Paula Abdul's new QVC Gone Clubbing line, and Simon is dressed as Simon. Simon and Kara blow kisses at each other, frightening the children in the audience -- except, of course, that chick with the blood rushing down her face, who has way too much on her mind to notice this game of kissy-face.

Speaking of really bad song choices: Wham!'s "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" is really the right song choice absolutely never. And yet, the brain trust behind "American Idol" thinks it's this week's perfect Group Lip Sync tune. The Idolettes bust dance moves and lip-sync their hearts out. Except Crystal Bowersox; she lip-syncs and bustles about the stage.

After a break, Seabiscuit shows us what the Idolettes did over the weekend -- work for Ford Motor Company cutting a commercial! Only it's called a "music video" -- so it's art.
Seabiscuit loves it, and tells us we can win an "Idol'-inspired" Ford Fiesta.

Seabiscuit wants to talk to the Idolettes for a while. Casey James had an eye-opening experience this week, Seabiscuit says breathlessly. While rehearsing "Power of Love" Casey went into the second verse when he was supposed to go into the chorus!

And Siobhan Magnus's boss, who is in the audience, will not shave until she wins "American Idol," Seabiscuit marvels. Siobhan Boss will never shave, because she's not going to win. But he's already got so much hair we think maybe not shaving is not much of a hardship. Besides, it goes well with his plaid flannel shirt.

Hey! Siobhan Boss is sitting next to the chick with the blood running down her face! Hi, Girl with Blood Running Down Your Face! Why are you so happy when you are bleeding so profusely? Turns out, she's a Siobhan Magnus fan, as is the slightly less bloody-faced chick next to her. They call themselves The Siozombies!

Seabiscuit also reveals that little Katie Stevens's dad is across the street getting hammered during the results show, as he is every results show, because he thinks if he's there he will jinx it and he couldn't bear the look on Katie's face if that happens.

And how about Michael Lynche being allowed to go see his wife and newborn baby every day at some apartment in Los Angeles in which they're living with their dog, Seabiscuit marvels. Is it just me or does a Sarah Palin travelogue series suddenly sound riveting?

Finally, having been given the You've Frittered Away Enough Time signal by the "Idol" producers, Seabiscuit becomes all business, showing us the Giant Martini Glasses of Shame on the other side of the stage. He tells Siobhan to stand up. He asks her to defend The Siobhan Scream. She says she knows Simon hates it, but it appeals to the crowd and if that's what it takes to make it to the "American Idol" tour, it's a sacrifice she's willing to make. Seabiscuit tells her she's going to have to pack her bags -- this summer! 'Cause she's going on tour! Do you think Palin will show us how to skin a moose?

Seacrest tells Casey and Lee Dewyze to stand. Then he tells Tim Urban and Paige Miles to stand. Tim, secure in the Power of the Pecs (pictures of his hot ones have been making the rounds on the Web of late) denies his performance was lousy and says he'd do it all over again, including sliding on his heinie across stage. Paige, on the other hand, says modestly she got lost in her poor song choice this week and acknowledges it was not a good performance. Sadly, it's too late for all those little girls who voted for Tim to change their votes.

Seabiscuit asks Randy whether he thinks Paige or Tim will be in this week's Bottom Three. Randy, not realizing it's a trick question, picks Paige. He's right -- but Tim is in the Bottom Three as well. They cut to commercial with poor Casey and Lee still awaiting their fate. When we return, they are seated, safe and going on tour.

It's time for this week's mentor, singer/thespian Miley Cyrus, to perform the lead role from Wilkie Collins' early 19th-century mystery novel "Woman in White," while simultaneously plugging her new tune "When I Look at You. " Miley, wearing a beautiful white gown, has fled to some foggy bog, near The Grove we think, in order to hide from the evil Sir Percival, who wants to throw her back into the dank, dreary lunatic asylum lest she spill the beans to TMZ that his parents never tied the knot, which means his title and inheritance are not really his.

Miley's hair has miraculously grown about 8 inches, to gothic-mystery-novel-heroine length, since Tuesday night -- like a Chia Pet. And someone has carelessly left their baby grand piano in the foggy bog, on which Miley begins to play. She musters just enough strength to rise from the piano bench but not enough to keep her gimongous head from falling forward until her chin hits her chest. Up and down her head keeps flailing and just when you think she's got all that settled and her head firmly back in place, she starts to clutch at her breast, which means she's either overwrought with emotion or having a wardrobe malfunction. All in all, it's a riveting performance and the audience gives Miley what she insists is her very first standing ovation. She is overcome and confesses prettily to Seabiscuit that Simon frightens her.

Time to sell more Fords.

Aaron Kelly is told to stand and then is told to sit down because he's safe. Didi Benami is told to stand and begins to whine about how hard it is to hear the judges tell her one thing one week, and one thing the next week. Naturally, Seabiscuit turns to Ellen The Generous for answers. Ellen tells Didi she loves her. Simon says Didi has to pick the right songs and "be good."

"I can't hear you," Didi responds. Ooh snap!

Long after we've stopped caring what happens to her tonight, we're told Didi is safe.

Crystal Bowersox is reminded that Kara wants her to lose the guitar but Simon loves her guitar. "Who will you listen to?" Seabiscuit faux wonders.

"Me," Mama Sox says. She's safe.

That leaves only Katie Stevens and Andrew Garcia. Since Katie's only moderately bad and Andrew's very bad, we know Katie will round out the Bottom 3 this week. But only for about one minute before Seabiscuit sends her back to the Seats of Safety because Tim Urban and Paige Miles were even worse.

Time to sell tickets for Miley Cyrus's new movie "The Last Song." What the heck is Greg Kinnear doing in this treacle-fest? Didn't he used to be an actor?

Back from break, Seabiscuit brings out America's Hottest Non-Vampire Couple for the Tweener Set: Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato. Thus begins the "Make a Wave" competitive singing portion of the show. They each do their best to outshout the other, but we think Joe Jonas wins by a hair. Speaking of hair, this is the first time we've seen Joe on "American Idol" since he re-did his do.

After the tune, we can't remember what happens to Demi but she ceases to exist for us and it's only Joe on stage with Ryan and the bottom two vote getters, Paige and Tim. Seabiscuit reminds Joe he was a guest judge during 'Idol' auditions this season, when Tim Urban was sent through to Hollywood.

"How's it going, Tim?" Joe asks Tim, who, to recap, is seated in one of the Bottom 2 vote getters.

"Guess it's not going very well," Joe adds, philosophically.

An ad break or so later, it's finally time to reveal which of the Bottom 2 is not going to make it to the "American Idol" tour. It's Paige Miles. The Power of the Pecs has saved Tim Urban once again.

Seabiscuit starts to say she's going to now sing in hopes the judges will use the Jennifer Hudson Save.

It's not going to happen, Simon interrupts, noting that decision is "100 percent unanimous."

Never miss another "American Idol" after-show analysis. Text "IDOL"
to 98999 to have a link to Lisa de Moraes's blog post sent directly to
your phone.

By Lisa de Moraes  |  March 25, 2010; 7:00 AM ET
Categories:  "American Idol"  
Save & Share:  Send E-mail   Facebook   Twitter   Digg   Yahoo Buzz   StumbleUpon   Technorati   Google Buzz   Previous: Miley Cyrus gives back on 'American Idol'
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Lisa, I ran to read your idol analysis before Jeeves even had a chance to bring me my morning cup of tea. I don't watch the results shows anymore, except for flitting back during commercials for Modern Family. You were spot on today, I think I cracked a rib laughing so hard at your description of Miley's performance as THE WOMAN IN WHITE. I too noticed her weird head-stance, but I had noticed it the day before without the extra poundage of hair. Obviously her mother is not around enough to tell her to stand up straight. That's what I do to my teenage daughter and I'm sure she really appreciates it.
And what was with her sudden decision to go with hair-ography near the end of the song? I was holding my breath thinking the extra hair was going to be flung in one of the judges' faces. Rats, I was denied what would have made the show watch-able. Then I turned back to Modern Family so I didn't see Jemi perform.

I was sorry to see Paige go. Yes, she has been bad from start to finish, but I really like her for some reason -- she's so sweet, and I think she could have gotten better... whereas Tim Urban cannot get better, and he bores me to tears. Whenever I look at him I think that it should be mullet-boy up there instead of him.
Keep writing these Lisa -- you were really on today!


Posted by: tmeintermedia | March 25, 2010 7:24 AM | Report abuse

I always google "American Idol" after each showing, hopefully to see a summary of it. The only thing I have to say is that Ms. de Moraes obviously needs an attitude check. Some people enjoy the show and look up articles on it to get incite into the shows, not to make a big joke out of it. Seriously, either write something that is somewhat constructive or just write about a show that you actually feel has purpose, because your bitter attitude just shines right through here. Personally, I think it's pathetic.

Posted by: smmuscar | March 25, 2010 7:36 AM | Report abuse

I love your reviews, Lisa. Please disregard the previous poster who googles Idol; he's probably with the Chinese government.
At least Miley had on clothes; she looked AWFUL in that basketball uniform she wore in Tuesday's show. Someone should tell that child that showing skin does not make tomboys sexier, only colder.

Posted by: disposall | March 25, 2010 8:14 AM | Report abuse

My AI experience is not complete until I read Lisa's column. Now I'm ready to face my day!

Posted by: observer23 | March 25, 2010 8:31 AM | Report abuse

We watched Miley's overwrought performance with the sound muted - the earnest head flinging was hysterical. I'm sure she was giving us what is in her heart, blah blah blah.

Posted by: kirstenpaulson | March 25, 2010 8:32 AM | Report abuse

Ok, so we know the idols this year aren't great but wow that duet was beyond awful. And Miley's song was so poor, I actually left the room. Glad to see Paige is gone. I don't think she was going to improve. Let's see if we can get rid of Tim or Andy next. Now, as a previous poster wrote, "I'm ready to face my day".

Posted by: MrsKirby | March 25, 2010 9:05 AM | Report abuse

Here is a scary thought. Who is going to win the judge's save this year? Obviously, it is a matter of when, and not if. Fox isn't going to sacrifice one week from their highest rated show because the judges could not find somebody worthy.

Currently the top contenders are Crystal, Siobhan, and Michael. But we need to get to 5 contenders, as the last week it can be used is week 5. Who are the mid tier contenders? Aaron, Lee, and to a lessor extent, Casey and Didi. (Personally I would like to see Katie get her act together, but I am not counting on it) Are any of those worthy? Certainly not Jennifer Hudson/ Chris Daughtry worthy. Perhaps Matt Giraud worthy, which isn't saying much.

Posted by: niceshoes1 | March 25, 2010 9:27 AM | Report abuse

Uhh, smmuscar? Grab thee a dictionary and look up two words: (1) snark, by which you will find our lovely Pookie's picture because she is the goddess of snark and frankly makes the day of anyone over the age of 12 with her "we watch so you don't have to" account of the trainwreck that is AI, and (2) insight, because I'm pretty sure that's what you meant.
the Pookettes

Posted by: princessbuttercup | March 25, 2010 9:30 AM | Report abuse

Lisa, I just love your column!! Thanks for watching so I don't have to.

Posted by: thejuggler | March 25, 2010 9:37 AM | Report abuse

I always google "Wilkie Collins 19th century mystery novel 'Woman in White'" hopefully to see a summary of it. The only thing I have to say is that Ms. de Moraes obviously needs an attitude check. Some people enjoy Wilkie Collins and look up articles to get insight into the "Woman in White", not to make a big joke out of it.

Posted by: molsonmich | March 25, 2010 9:51 AM | Report abuse

Caught Idol for the first time this season, and enjoyed your snarky summary of it. I just wish there was a twist to make it more interesting, like they can kick the guest star off the show instead after a sing-off. They should have kicked Miley off the show instead of Paige.

Posted by: KevinAF | March 25, 2010 10:44 AM | Report abuse

I am proud to say that I never have watched AI, and never will, but I love Lisa's reports about it. After all, if we cannot laugh at Ryan Seabiscuit, whom can we laugh at? Or should it be "who".....?
And by the way- molsonmich-outstanding!

Posted by: justmike | March 25, 2010 10:47 AM | Report abuse

KevinAF - hahahahahahaha.

Posted by: MrsKirby | March 25, 2010 10:47 AM | Report abuse

Jeez, I just googled "Palin show us how to skin a moose" and I ended up here. Gosh, Ms. Moraes, you sound just like the rest of the liberal mainstream media and you could use an attitude check.

Posted by: GroovisMaximus61 | March 25, 2010 10:54 AM | Report abuse

very nice rebuttal princessbuttercup, one of my fav movies btw, the fab Pookie is awesome with her anaylasis. I must confess myself dissapointed though with others cause I like Andrew.

Posted by: sivwiz | March 25, 2010 11:39 AM | Report abuse

Lisa, aren't your TV Column commentators the best? Seriously, you guys are the most intelligent writers on the internet --you make my day.

It's all because of you, Lisa. What other WaPo writer would invoke Wilkie Collins or recall Bertie Wooster's "chewing the scenery" line from a few columns ago?

Posted by: tmeintermedia | March 25, 2010 11:52 AM | Report abuse

Miley's performance was AWFUL!! She has no voice, no talent! I am flabbergasted how that horrible voice of hers even gets through an actual concert! I was actually scared by her 'head banging' at the end, I thought she fell!! But actually it was ERRATIC headbanging moves... yikes.

Posted by: skins82 | March 25, 2010 12:11 PM | Report abuse

has there ever been a worse Idol top 10 than this crew. I can't imagine that the tour this summer will be a hit -- no special talents like the last couple of years and still some really weak ones left to eliminate even at this stage.

Posted by: hapster | March 25, 2010 12:17 PM | Report abuse

Bah, I was hoping that Tim would have gotten the axe last night so he could have been cattle prodded onto the Jonas tour bus to become the 4th brother. No matter, he has no doubt attracted the ever watchful eye of the Disney corporation and I suspect that a level 3 abduction team will be dispatched in an unmarked van to snatch him off the street in the near future. His fate is sealed...

Posted by: ozpunk | March 25, 2010 12:21 PM | Report abuse

Well your comments range from absurd to pithy which is, I'm sure what you're after.
Tim should have exited before Page as she would have been far more entertaining on tour. As for winning, though, it doesn't matter. They were both going to leave early as will Andrew and Katie. The later is really qite good. Aaron will leave early too, but like Katie, in spite of his youth, he is really good. Didi is outstanding but not an Idol Icon so she is doomed eventually.
The winner will be Crystal, Michael or She Of The Name That Matches Not the Spelling (the screamer)! Not sure why Casey won't win as he is a great singer/musician, cool, good looking etc. etc. The vibes just don't seem to be quite right yet though for him to win. Lee? A darkhorse slowly making his way toward the front of the pack!!
As for Miley. That's where I think you fell off the board. She is an incredibly savy, beautiful, intelligent, sexy kid. She sings with such heart and she knows her audience and how to entertain them without sleeze, without insulting their intelligence and she more than held her own as mentor with contestants compared to other, much older, great stars in the past. I hate it when news "analysts" feel they simply must berate and tear down individuals just so their by line will meet expectations when in fact there is a chance for them to acknowledge a serious moment to be influential by making positive statements about someone who truely offers good influence to today's kids; something which is sorely missing in most of those in the spotlight and in a position to do so.

Posted by: greenrodeo | March 25, 2010 12:46 PM | Report abuse

I got talked into going to an Idol concert a few years ago. After trekking through the mud and almost losing a shoe, we climbed to our seats which, I believe, were at the same elevation as K2.

I could basically hear nothing except the constant, hysterical screams of the tween girls comprising 80% of the audience. It was like a scene from Dante's Inferno. And during the only portion of the show I cared about, Elliot Yamin's "Moody's Mood for Love", the group of women sitting next to us began loudly gossiping about something inane, like stuff going on at their hair salon, so I didn't even get to hear Elliot. As I sat there like a caged animal, I made a silent vow NEVER to attend another Idol concert. As a final insult, my shoes were ruined after later trekking again through the mud to return to my friend's car.

My friend thought the concert was fantastic.

Based on this year's contestants, I'd imagine the decibel levels in the arenas of this year's tour will reach all-time highs. Run, do not walk, from those venues.

Posted by: ILoveToSinga | March 25, 2010 12:55 PM | Report abuse

Attitude check? Please. Anyone who can use the word "craptastic" in a sentence is my hero. Or heroine.

Posted by: thatviennaguy | March 25, 2010 1:21 PM | Report abuse

But, you see, smmuscar, AI is so replete with stinkiosity it's like the proverbial train wreck you just cannot take your eyes off of. And if you couldn't laugh right out loud [which these recaps always make me do], you'd just have to cry.

Now, Gentle Readers, please Google "stinkiosity".

Posted by: jqw3827 | March 25, 2010 1:47 PM | Report abuse

Keep up the good work, Lisa! Am in an AI "group" that shares your column religiously.

Posted by: seaduck2001 | March 25, 2010 2:37 PM | Report abuse

As completely horrible as Ms. Cyrus' performance was, I must give her credit for not lip syncing it. This was probably the first time I've ever actually heard her voice without auto-tune.

Now I know why she relies on it so heavily, but again, I do give her credit for actually singing. That was really, staggeringly bad. I mean, she wouldn't even make it to the judges in an audition city bad.

Posted by: VTDuffman | March 25, 2010 3:16 PM | Report abuse

At the very beginning of the show, the camera panned the crowd and found the two zombies.
I swear it only took a split second for us to go from WTF?? to "ohh, Siobhan fans!"

As for Siobhans Bear-Man Boss-Artist at the glassworks, dude hasn't likely shaved in 25 years. No biggie.

My hope actually is that Magnus does well enough and long enough in the show to prove her full range of originality, talent and potential - if they are as good as I believe them to be - she gets to Final 3, maybe Final 2 (Casey might catch on fire, be the man left at the end in the finals against the Annointed One - as females split votes 3 ways.)
But maybe it is best for Siobhan not win the thing. On top of her being sort of an anti-Idol producers would mourn winning the thing - it might be best for Magnus's career to not be the Idol winner but a runner-up who Everyone Knows was very good..Who can duck out of the limelight a year or two, hone their craft -- and resurface with recording, Broadway, or acting success that outshines the winner. Until last week she was a teen. And one that is still clearly developing performance skills.
(Yes, Adam Lambert, Crystal Bowersox are two performers much more polished - but
both in their late 20s as contestants. Adam deserved to make it to the Finals because he kept showing "More" each week.)

The thing everyone hates on Idol is seeing someone you think there is a lot more to, go home too soon. Alex Lambert for example. But I think everyone has seen all Paige or Tim Urban can do..

Posted by: ChrisFord1 | March 25, 2010 4:44 PM | Report abuse

"Seabiscuit starts to say she's going to now sing in hopes the judges will use the Jennifer Hudson Save.

It's not going to happen, Simon interrupts, noting that decision is "100 percent unanimous."

And then Paige goes on to sing really well and give the best performance she's given during this competition. Go figure.

Posted by: owingsmills | March 25, 2010 7:40 PM | Report abuse

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