'American Idol' Top 12 done in by Rolling Stones
It was Rolling Stones night on "American Idol." Be yourself, know who you are as an artist -- but surprise us and sound like you mean every word. Oh wait! It's Rolling Stones week! Three-chord songs with limited vocal range that never sound good performed by anybody but the Rolling Stones. Nevermind.
Michael Lynche sings "Miss You" while moving a lot around the stage. If a Transformer could bust some moves, that would be Michael. Judges Randy Jackson, Ellen DeGeneres and Kara DioGuardi all agree that Michael led off the night right. But Simon Cowell thinks his performance very corny and desperate. Show host Ryan Seacrest, who has finally figured out he's not the star of "American Idol" and is going down without Simon next season, walks to the podium and gets all up in the camera and Simon's face, insisting Simon say something constructive to Michael and making us so happy we do not have a 40-inch screen. "We can sort this out in your trailer afterwards," Simon snaps. Ryan scampers back to stand in Michael's shadow. Takeaway for Michael: Don't let Ryan draw you into a "My Bodyguard" thing, it's not gonna make you a star!
Didi Benami goes for hot and sultry with "Play with Fire," but her voice is too itty bitty so it's more like flicking a Bic. Great teeth, though. Randy thinks she's "on fire" -- gee, didn't see that coming at all. Ellen the Generous says the way Didi turned the word "Fire" into two syllables was "Gerr rate"! Kara likes that Didi got all "dark" but with a "sweetness in her voice." Simon praises her for beginning to show us the artist she is going to be. Takeaway for Didi: Be sweet, be dark, and keep on flossing!
Casey James brings back his electric guitar to let Cougar Kara know "It's all Over Now." Ellen The Generous tries out her first gay joke, noting that most women's hearts will start racing when they see him, "but for people like me -- blondes -- I thought it was fantastic." Big we're-so-cool-with-that laugh from the audience. Kara notes that last time he brought out his electric guitar, she had to nick him because he was trying to be a rocker. Now that she's gotten a second look, she's decided he "is a rocker" after all. She doesn't say it all gushy though; yes, the Casey/Kara thing is really over. Simon notes Casey looks great, sings well and plays the guitar well but he needs to take the stage and "just be a star." Seabiscuit tries to steal Ellen's moment with "I didn't realize you were -- a natural blonde." Hardy, har, har. Takeaway for Casey: Go with the whole gay-joke-bystander thing, it's working for you!
Lacey Brown keeps going weak in the knees every time she comes out on stage and sits down. This time while singing "Ruby Tuesday." Ellen the Generous notes her penchant for sitting on the edge of the stage and warns her never to go to the Grand Canyon. Ellen is starting to show us who she is as a judge -- the funny one. We thought she'd settle on that eventually but it's a relief to see her find her way. Simon says Lacey needs to stop performing like an actress. Which, loosely translated, means "Stand up for goodness sake!" Takeaway for Lacey: Bring a stool!
Andrew Garcia is only in the competition at this point because he's a cool dude. He sings "Gimme Shelter" but we know the judges are all thinking "Why can't you sound like when you did Paula Abdul's "Straight Up" during Hollywood Week?" Kara thinks he didn't connect with the song's anti-Vietnam-war lyrics. "What is he supposed to do -- come on stage with a tank?" Simon asks. In the heavily caveated world of 'Idol,' where a singer is compared to his last week's performance, his audition performance, other Idolette's performances and Susan Boyle, Simon is now grading on a curve and says Andrew "gave it 100 percent" in order to unch him along. Takeaway for Andrew: You will never make these judges happy. Next time, just do "Straight Up" and get it over with.
Katie Stevens, this year's Baby Beauty Pageant Idolette, tells Seabiscuit she has no option but to go old tonight since she's stuck singing a Stones tune. In answer to his question, she guesses correctly that Mick Jagger is the lead of the Rolling Stones. She's picked the tune "Wild Horses" because she always wanted a horse and the tune spoke to her. She is dressed for afternoon tea. Simon says it's the first time Katie has picked the right song for her but then goes all Randy Jackson on us as he talks about when he recorded this tune with Susan Boyle. Takeaway for Katie: For the rest of the competition, they're going to keep telling you to sing like your age, then keep sticking you with old people's songs. It's 'Idol.' Deal with it.
Tim Urban decides it would be a great idea to take his very last opportunity to sing on "American Idol" (if there's a god in heaven) to perform a reggae "hand me another spliff" version of "Under My Thumb." None of the judges like it, though they all, including Simon, applaud him for "doing something different." "It's quite a boring song anyway," Simon notes. Like we said -- grading on a curve. Tim tells Seabiscuit he was only worried about "having fun." Which is such a coincidence because we're only worried about having to hear him ever again. Takeaway for Tim: Don't worry, be happy.
Siobhan Magnus is from Cap Cod. Her very large family looks like a Where's Waldo picture. Her large family makes her house look like a Birkenstock showroom. Naturally she's going to sing the depression anthem "Paint it Black." In her version, it's an Andrew Lloyd Weber number, and she's at the opera, only she's lost both her glass slippers, but some mysterious man with half a face loans her his army boots. She lets out this piercing scream when she sees the gnarly side of his face and holds the note for an eternity. It's a brilliant interpretation. The judges take turns saying glowing things about her, including Kara, who has apparently been following our little blog because now she too is saying she's having Adam Lambert flashbacks. Simon notes a lot of people are going to love Siobhan's interpretation, but a lot are genuinely going to hate it which he says is great compared to being boring. Seabiscuit brings out Siobhan's mousy glasses and coerces her to put them on, totally ruining her fabulous look in some kind of weird Cinderella-step-sister power play. Takeaway for Siobhan: Seabiscuit is not your friend.
Lee Dewyze used to work in a paint store. Seabiscuit wonders if he knows what the color Snuggle Puss is. Seabiscuit is really selling it this episode! Lee sings "Beast of Burden." It's the usual Lee performance. Ellen the Generous likens it to a hospital gown -- it almost came together in the back. Kara says Lee is growing faster than anyone else in the show. Ellen is now making more sense than Kara. Simon calls it forgettable and orders Lee to stop thinking the other people are better than he is. Lee appears to be fighting tears. Takeaway for Lee: Just keep asking yourself "What would Dave Matthews do?" and you'll be OK.
Seabiscuit is now seen standing in the "American Idol" mosh pit, surrounded by nubile young girls. Seabiscuit -- still not the star of this show.
Paige Miles does a very old-fashioned performance of "Honky Tonk Woman," and her voice sounds the strongest it has in weeks, which is ironic since she's got laryngitis, which Ellen and Kara note but which is news to Simon. "Oh My God!" Simon gushes when they tell him about it. "Taking that into account -- you did great." Takeaway for Paige: Sleep with the window open at night.
Little Aaron Kelly picks "Angie" and it's a good choice for his vocal range. Ellen the Generous notes he's gotten an American Idol makeover and is now wearing his hair like hers. It shoulda been been Alex Lambert and his mullet getting that makeover! Waaaa! Randy likens him to Justin Timberlake. Really, Randy? "I beat you up good last week but you showed me tonight," Kara says coyly. Ick ick ick. Simon calls it "100 percent the right song." Takeaway for Aaron: You're no Justin Timberlake, pookie, but love the new hair.
Crystal Bowersox gives another of her extremely relaxed, always interesting performances -- this time to "You Can't Always Get What You Want." The judges take turns fawning over her until Simon, who notes she has been 100 percent the clear favorite -- Simon's all about 100 percent this week - but that she lost this round to Siobhan. Crystal shoots back that she does not think she is 100 percent the clear favorite to win this competition. "But thank you for saying so," she adds tartly, picking up a few thousand more votes. Takeaway for Crystal: Practice your mantra while the judges are blah, blah, blah-ing.
PHOTOS: See highlights from last night's show.
Lisa de Moraes
March 17, 2010; 7:08 AM ET
Categories: "American Idol"
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