'American Idol' down to 5
"American Idol" opens Wednesday with host Ryan Seacrest announcing Shakira is going to sing a duet with Rascal Flatts tonight, which is great - we can't wait to hear Shakira sing after enjoying her mentoring of the Idolettes on Tuesday. Wait just a darned minute - Shakira, not Shania? Shakira and Her Undulating Hips performing during country-music week?
A full 33 million votes were cast Tuesday night, says Seabiscuit.
Before dueting with Shakira, Rascal Flatts will first perform a number sans Shakira. Rascal Flatts has the least dynamic ever front man, who keeps playing with his earpiece. Does it have call-waiting? It appears the group is subbing for the traditional Results Night Group Lip Sync.
Fortunately, however, the Ford music video has survived. And, in honor of it being country-music week in 'Idol,' it has a vampire theme. We always say that sucking the blood of young virgins and a fun driving experience go together like burger and fries.
The music video/car commercial has a wonderful storyline: the Idolettes are all vampires, except Michael Lynche who is way too beefy. So he plays the Mustang convertible owner who is driving a pizza, with extra garlic, over the river and through the woods on a dark and dreary night, which drives the Vampire Idolettes away - the garlic, that is, not the Mustang. Is this a metaphor for the judges having saved Michael from the viewers who wanted him gone a few weeks ago? Is Ford Motor Company suggesting we are vampires?
No time to think about that. It's time for a commercial for "Shrek: The Final Chapter" in which, Seabiscuit says, "I play a small but pivotal part.
Plenty of clips from the movie later, the Idolettes work with the actual director of "Shrek: The Final Chapter," to play at doing voiceovers for the movie. Michael plays Shrek, naturally. Then the Idolettes are herded off to watch the new "Shrek," which is a 3-D flick. We get to watch them watching a movie while wearing 3-D glasses. It makes for brilliant television. And, in a major upset to all of infomercial-dom, every single one of the Idolettes - loves the movie! Siobhan Magnus pronounces it the best 3-D movie she's ever seen.
In one of those incredible coincidence that always seem to be happening in Hollywood, Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas, voiceover stars of "Shrek: The Final Chapter," show up on the "Idol" stage at this moment to visit with their co-star Seabiscuit. He tells them it's the most emotional "Shrek" yet. In return, Diaz and Banderas tell Seabiscuit he's the best host in the world. Then there's a loud pop, and the "Idol" air is filled with the exploded fragments of Seabiscuit's over-swelled head.
Seabiscuit starts moving the Idolettes around on stage like chess pieces: First he sends Siobhan to one end of the stage, Aaron Kelly to the middle, and Michael to the other end. Lee DeWyze is sent over to Siobhan, Casey James joins Michael after judge Kara DioGuardi explains to Seabiscuit that she has always been a huge fan of Casey's singing talent since she had him strip off his shirt during the auditions. Crystal Bowersox is sent to stand with Aaron. Then Siobhan is told to move over with Michael and Casey, and Seabiscuit reveals they are this week's Bottom 3 vote getters.
Former 'Idol' winner Carrie Underwood shows up to introduce us to her warm-up act, Sons of Sylvia, who won Fox's failed 'Idol' spinoff, "The Next Great American Band" when they were masquerading as the Clark Brothers. At any rate, Sons of Sylvia nicely tie in the night's two themes - "country" and "vampire," with their sallow faces, black leather, and fiddle-playing lead.
Harry Connick Jr. is going to mentor next week's Top 5 Idolettes in the tunes of Frank Sinatra, Seabiscuit announces. This can only mean Ricky Martin will be performing on results night next week. Please, oh please let Michael be tossed off tonight so we don't have to listen to him club a Sinatra song to death, like a baby seal, with his chest thumping and over-emoting.
Seabiscuit is now seated in the audience next to, he says, a Kardashian. Didn't George Lopez show up in "Idol" last week to compete judge Ellen the Generous to a Kardashian which made less than no sense at the time? Is this show now doing Kardashian product placement on top of all the other product plugging?
Time for Lady Antebellum to perform, followed quickly by Shakira who, Seabiscuit says, has just arrived at the "Idol" set to sing that duet with Rascal Flatts. Shakira comes out playing a harmonica. We can't see the Idol judges but their outrage must be towering. "You have to decide what kind of artist you want to be - Latin hottie or harmonica playing country!" they want to shout at her.
Two dancers join her and they all start undulating and waving their long skirts around. Rascal Flatts's lead tries a little harmonizing with her - but as little as possible - while continuing to take calls on his earpiece.
After this ritual is over, Seabiscuit asks Shakira what advice she has for the Idolettes, and she says she's reminded of a quote from Teddy Roosevelt: "Keep your eyes on the stars but your feet on the ground." We recognize the quote, though we think the latter bit was: "...but remember to keep your feet on the ground" because it's one of the Roosevelt quotes you run into if when you visit Roosevelt Island in the Potomac, near Washington.
Roosevelt apparently made this comment at a prep school in Massachusetts, in 1904 during the school's Prize Day exercises. And now, every time you visit Roosevelt Island national memorial, you will think of Shakira and her undulating hips. You are welcome.
Seabiscuit announces that Michael will survive to club a Sinatra tune. Likewise Casey. Siobhan is out.
After re-singing that portion of "Think" that brought Siobhan so much praise from everyone, except judge Simon Cowell, early on in the live competition, she gives her family members in the audience a hug, which inspires Seabiscuit to order her to walk over to Simon and give him a hug. This makes perfect sense given that Simon has never praised a Siobhan performance since the live competition began.
Siobhan also hugs the other judges including Ellen who - in less than a second - makes it all about herself, with "see you tomorrow on my show!"
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April 29, 2010; 7:00 AM ET
Categories: "American Idol"
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