Didi out, Diddy sings on 'American Idol'
"American Idol" makes history Wednesday when R&B Week results night opens with The Most Egregious Product Placement in the History of TV: a mashup of footage from the new "Clash of the Titans" flick - Zeus's mortal son, perilous journey, must stop evil underworld, blah, blah, blah -- and footage from this season of the singing competition.
And speaking of the mythic past, the show's second-season winner, Ruben Studdard comes on stage to remind us of a time when Idol contestants had personalities and the show had a heart. The Velvet Teddy bear has lost a lot of weight -- he's a vegan now and works out every day. Ruben and his runner up, Clay Aiken - the Kris Allen and Adam Lambert of their day - are going on tour together this summer.
Show host Ryan Seacrest, having failed to make Idolette Didi Benami cry last night, is filled with pent up frustration. He tries to bait Idolette Andrew Garcia by reminding him the judges think he's a boring guy. "They don't really hang out with me," Andrew says, shrugging it off. Seabiscuit then drags Andrew's mama into the debate, asking her what she wants to say to her son about it all.
She tells him to be himself "cause Mama raised him right."
"She's so cute," Seabiscuit says, gnashing his teeth. Andrew is safe.
More egregious product placement for That Movie We Will No Longer Mention.
Time for our regular check-in with Lee Dewyze's psyche. Heaps of praise later, Lee nearly smiles. Progress! Lee is safe.
Casey James refuses to make a firm commitment to improve himself next week. So Seabiscuit stings him with one of his You're In the Bottom 3, by Which I Mean You're Safe fake-outs. Casey's safe.
Next, Seabiscuit is back to ragging on teenager Aaron Kelly about his age, this time on the basis that Aaron's too callow to sing a love song. Judge Simon Cowell won't play along: "It's not 'The Oprah Winfrey Show'," Simon sneers. "It's called 'American Idol' -- go back to the singing."
Seabiscuit says he's wants Simon to cough up some actual advice in return for all that money they're paying him to appear on the show. The two men spend a few moments swapping insults. It's as much fun as watching a couple whose marriages is on the rocks get into a loud argument at a restaurant. Anyway, Aaron's safe, though everyone's too uncomfortable to take notice.
Seabiscuit finally asks Siobhan Magnus and Katie Stevens to both stand.
"I'm not defeated!" Siobhab, wearing her lucky duct-tape boots -- good for her -- says in answer to the producers setting her up at the beginning of the show with video chosen to make her look weak.
Ryan loves the Katie Genre Debate: is she country, is she pop? He brings it up again in an effort to gin up another confrontation with Simon. When Katie is revealed to be in the Bottom 3, suddenly Seabiscuit is all back in Simon's face, accusing him of gloating over Katie landing in the week's Bottom 3 after not listening to his advice that she stick with country tunes. But this time, the director does us a huge favor and does not go into See Every Face Pore full-screen mode on Ryan as he tries to bully Simon.
"You are really getting on my nerves tonight," Simon says, but he's speaking for us all.
The producers realize they have not plugged That Movie in at least seven minutes. We go to break so they can fix that.
Look! Justin Bieber is in the audience! I don't see anybody dinging HIM for being 16, or asking if he's ever been in love.
Justin and Seabiscuit watch this week's mentor, Usher, sing to us:
Honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow,
Honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow.
Based on his coaching of the Idolettes this week, we know Usher's really feeling these lyrics, which explains the jump-rope dance steps interspersed with the Michael Jackson moves, if Michael had lived and grown old.
Didi is told to stand up. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Didi, stop talking and start crying -- you're in the Bottom 3!
Judge Ellen The Generous calls Idolette Michael Lynche "Tiny Mike" because he's so sensitive. Michael doesn't seem to like it much, and takes it out on Seabiscuit, picking him up by his neck and shaking him when Seabiscuit tries out one of his fake-outs on Mike. We all give silent thanks to Michael. He's safe.
"I'm fine -- don't worry. That scared me to death," Seabiscuit squeaks.
Crystal Bowersox is back to her comfort zone in a big wool hat and boots. After the past two weeks in which she asked Miley Cyrus to autograph her guitar, and then put on stilettos and a short tight dress, we were getting worried/over her. She's safe.
Judge Kara DioGuardi thinks the reason Idolette Tim Urban is always smiling is because he does not understand the harsh things the judges are saying to him about his performances. But Tim has a perfectly reasonable explanation for why he's smiling: he's on "American Idol." Tim smiles when told he's also in the Bottom 3.
Hey! It's P Puff Diddy Daddy -- only now he goes by Diddy Dirty Money. We think. It's hard to keep up with the Many Names of Diddy. Hey, Lee, see what the judges mean by swagger? Hey, Casey, see what they mean by owning the stage? Hey, Siobhan, see what they mean by hitting the high notes? Oh, OK, not that. P Puff Diddy Daddy encourages the Idolettes, acknowledging that he too "was nervous" getting up on that stage, too. Hear that, Didi?
Oh, too late. Didi has to sing for the save. You gave her the fewest votes this week. Simon says no dice on saving her after she sings, though she sounded gobs better than the previous night. Bye bye Didi. By Bye Diddy Daddy. Bye Bye Usher.
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