Margaret Cho is out on 'Dancing with the Stars' while Michael Bolton comes back to sing
The results show on "Every Dance Must Tell a Story" Week opens with the judges requesting that The Situation and Karina repeat their dance from the previous night.
They once again perform the story of a man and a woman who, after stepping into a time machine, are unable to hear a Black Eyed Peas song playing, and decide to ignore the music altogether and foxtrot to an entirely different rhythm while waiting in line for a midnight showing of "Rocky Horror Picture Show."
On second viewing, we noticed how super-careful The Situation is moving around the floor, like a guy taking a drunk test by the side of the road. Show host Tom Bergeron notes they can now amortize the cost of the time machine.
Celebrities Audrina Patridge, Kyle Massey and Kurt Warner are brought up on stage with their partners. The director rolls footage of three entirely different competitors from the previous night. We love live TV. Audrina is declared safe. Kurt is safe. Kyle is in jeopardy. As if.
Michael Bolton will stand in for Susan Boyle. Talk about a story night! Will Bolton, who we last saw dancing off with the Dick Nixon Sore Loser Trophy one week earlier, throw another hissy fit, or go all sullen like we saw in his dance rehearsal pre-recorded bits last week? Why has Bolton returned to this painful place? What's his motivation? Does "Dancing" have some kind of contract that says if you go in the first two rounds they own you for the rest of the season?
But first, R&B singer Ne-Yo performs an homage to Michael Jackson, down to the white socks. But his moves are like Jackson slowed down to the speed of say, a celebrity contestant on "Dancing with the Stars."
One taped bit with former celebrity dancer Donny Osmond later, it's time for three more celebrities -- Rick Fox, Brandy and Jennifer Grey -- to be brought out on stage, clip packages of three other people to roll, and Jennifer to be declared safe to perform another week.
Then "Dancing" backstage host Brooke Burke declares Rick and his dance partner Cheryl Burke to be "in jeopardy," but they think they're safe and begin to hug while the audience applauds enthusiastically.
"In. JEOPARDY!" Brooke shouts.
They begin to realize their mistake.
"I thought you were taking that really well," Bergeron jokes.
Brandy is declared safe. Rick and Cheryl aren't in the clear yet.
Rick and Kyle - both in jeopardy -- chat with Burke, who mentions that Rick's dance partner had ripped open his shirt the previous night and look where it got him. Rick snaps back that it was a pleasant surprise to go home and have his "wardrobe malfunction there also."
"Actually, he took all the buttons off all his clothes," Kyle cracks.
"And that's our metaphor for the night," Bergeron jokes. Try coming up with a line like that on the fly, Mr. Emmy Winner for Best Reality Competition Series, Jeff Probst!
Then, because "Dancing," unlike "American Idol," has no Ford Music Video, this show serves up Mark Ballas vs. Val Chmerkovskiy.
In order to appreciate this dance-pro smackdown , you must go deep into the murky mindset that spawns "Dancing with the Stars" -- that weird backwater of the brain where "Edelweiss," the Black Eyed Peas, teacher-student seductions and clumsy jocks in dance shoes all collide. Make sense of that and you will begin to understand how one guy squeaking away at a violin while another guy strumming a guitar, before they take turns swinging around some high-kicking blondes, is a form of competition.
Michael Bolton performs and -- yes! -- he has figured out a way to stick it to "Dancing." He comes in ahead of the beat of the band. Or maybe this floor is just bad news for him rhythm-wise, no matter what he's doing. A couple beats later the band catches up. He's singing "Hallelujah," the tune Susan Boyle was going to sing on the show Tuesday until she went and canceled.
When Bolton's done, Bergeron interviews him, and the cooling off period has done Bolton some good. He's mellowed out and is getting a big hand from the audience and judges seems to buck him up, even if everybody knows it's pity applause. The director keeps a camera glued on Bruno, who'd savaged Bolton's second and final dance performance. Bruno has a smile frozen on his face.
"By the way, Michael's tour resumes tomorrow night in Altoona, Iowa!" Bergeron concludes enthusiastically -- a little too enthusiastically not be ironic, maybe. Is a night back on "Dancing with the Stars" less painful than a night in Altoona, Iowa, for Michael Bolton?
More celebrity dancers are brought out: Bristol Palin, The Situation, Florence Henderson, Margaret Cho. Bristol and Margaret are in jeopardy. They join the others in jeopardy. We all know where this is heading.
They're out of time. Cho's gotta go.
"I thought the judges were really hard on me, but I think you were hard on me because you could see that I am a dancer for real. And I thank you for that," Cho begins to gush. "I will take that with me forever."
She was, in fact, a very bad dancer, though Bergeron insists that it was such a surprise on the show to discover that "you were good out there." Then it's roll tape and it's all about the healing: We're reminded that when Cho started training she did not realize she was "going into therapy" as she confronted her childhood demon: the memory of when somebody told her "You're the fattest ballerina," and she quit dancing. That is until the need for a mid-career boost drove her back into her ballet flats.
The show concludes with a weeping Cho and her partner Louis Van Amstel dancing a few steps before being enveloped by the hugs of the other dancers.
Watch this week's results:
Also -- backstage at "Dancing With the Stars," week 3:
Lisa de Moraes
| October 6, 2010; 6:30 AM ET
Categories: Dancing With the Stars
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